Monday, February 28, 2011

Model Behavior

I love the way models pose in catalogs. It's always so... natural.








Yes, Officer. I understand that I've been placed under arrest for "Modeling While Under the Influence of an Ugly Mauve Shirt Tunic Thing", and yes, I understand my rights as you've read them to me.






They told me these beads were made of shell, so I'm listening to see if I can hear the ocean.







This bag is so large I can hardly hold it up.







I really need to pee. Can I be excused from the photo shoot?






I've got an itch right... about... here.






Really? Cuz I've got one right back here. We should totally start a club!






I hate you.






Just kidding, lol!






I have scoliosis.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock


Dear Alarm Clock:


I hate you.

That is all.


Sincerely,

Me

Friday, February 18, 2011

[CLOVER] Pawprints, shmawprints



When Mom bought these fancy cover thingies for all the pati-o furnichur, I was all, why in the world would furnichur need to wear Snuggies? She mentioned sumthing about protecting the furnichur from the wether, so I guess that's what they're for. Cuz I can't imagine any other possible use for those covers. Nope, can't think of a thing.




It wasn't me.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Questionable Decorating


Real people that don't live inside catalogs don't decorate like this. But wouldn't it be fun if they did???



Oh, dear. How are we ever going to camouflage this Airstream camper?

Wait! I've got it!

Perfect. Now no one will ever notice it...





Oh, honey, don't mind that huge crack in the wall. We can always hide under this gigantic pile of pillows if chunks of plaster start to fall off.





"F" stands for what. The FRICK.

Thisroomhassomuchgoingonmyhedmayasplode.

Oh, I forgot. This picture comes from the pages of the newest Hoarders Room Decor catalog.





Oh my stars. It's the Enchanted Forest of the Wrinkled Duvet Covers. Praise be.





My dearest darling,

I am writing this letter to tell you how intoxicating your love is. It is much like a summer breeze gently caressing the branches of a stooped willow tree. It is not at all unlike the way that one guy loved that one chick in The Notebook. Some might say our love is akin to a rushing flood and the world is a tiny beaver dam that the flood of our love is bursting through like so many twigs. O this love, I cannot contain - oh drat. I've gone and written on my bedsheets again. I've really got to stop writing love letters while I'm on Tylenol PM.






The matching gigantic boulder nightstand, dresser, and highboy really create a sense of harmony in this space. It was a good choice to move the bed into the shade, though, so as to avoid pesky afternoon nap sunburn. Now if you'll excuse me, the sun is setting, so I shall turn on my 14 bedside lamps and read for a bit.



More questionable decorating to come...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads


Two sizes-Regular and Hospital


Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.





And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.





AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)






Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"


Reminds me of these:


What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.




Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.





How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

[SNUGGLES] Pack-packs!


Wanna know wut my favorite thing is? I know you prolly does! It's my pack-pack! Mummy got them for us to wear wen we take her for a walk. She puts sum weight in them so we get a workout and we sheep good at night. Mummy always sez, "A tired pit bull is a happy pit bull," wutever that means. I do know that I'm ready for a good rub-down when we get home and that my tung hangs out real far and I smile lots. Mum sez the pack-packs give us a job to do. It's pretty cool to have a job to do. Cuz then I can bring home da bacons. And I like bacons a lot. We walk better wiff our pack-packs and don't try to pull so mush. We like to pull so mush so Mum can go MUSH! and then we pull her real good like one of them super hairy sled goggies. Also, Mum sez sumtimes I am "leech reactive" and my pack-pack makes me walk nicer on leech. I dunno what a leech is, but it sounds slimy. [Note: my sissy Clover just tole me that leeches suck.] All I know is that "Backpack Time" is my most favoritest time and I love when Mummy sez it's that Time!

I shud also prolly tell you that the first time we came home after we weared our pack-packs, Mummy noticed that the straps were "chafing" my big muscley chest. Since I like to flex and show off my chest for the laydees, I tole her we needed to do sumthing about this. So she buyed some neesox from The Targets and sewed them so they wud cover the straps. The straps feel mush better now and we look super cool, too. The sox is stripey and have skulls and crossbonez. I like my new sox cuz for one, any kind of bonez is good bonez. And for two, it makes me feel liek a pirate and that's cool cuz I awreddy has a eye patch! Anyways, if you decide to gets a pack-pack, make shure to tell your mummy to get some neesox. Yours don't hafta have pirate things. They cud have butterflys or pokadots or spayships or wutever!




Pls no paparotzis, thx.





Come on, let's go awreddy!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Snow Blizzard Ice Calamity of 2011


Take the snow, for example. Please.

As this crazy weather has gone on, we’ve begun to hear new weather terms on the news, which I suspect are just made up. A couple of them being “Thunder Sleet” and “Ground Blizzard”. Totally not real. So, being the helpful and awesome person that I am, here are some other dastardly weather phenomena you probably haven’t heard of, but might want to watch out for:

Slush Earthquakes

Hail Flurries

Snow Tornados

Icicle Storms

Snowdrift Tidal Waves

Cumulonimb-slush Clouds

Rainflakes


I'm sure there are other new weather thingies that could pose a threat; I just haven't made them up yet.

Two feet of snow


The other interesting thing that has developed is the media’s insistence that simply “The Blizzard and Snow and Such that is Currently Happening Here but Also Other Places” apparently doesn’t cut the mayo as a name for the blizzard and snow and such that is currently happening here but also other places, so they’ve taken to nicknaming the thing in order to give it a nicer or more menacing ring. For example, The Great Blizzard of 2011 or The Blizzard of the Century or The Blizzard of the New Millennium. My favorite from one of the local news stations is… wait for it… Winter Gone Wild! No, I'm not kidding. I guess the storm wasn’t satisfied with the destruction it has already caused, so now in an effort to get more attention, it has gotten with its college sorority sisters and allowed pervy men to video it and put the DVD’s on the internet. Have you no shame, Blizzard?

Some of the funnier names I’ve heard non-news people come up with include Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and my favorite, Snowlonoscopy. Inspired, I came up with a few of my own:

Catast-snow-phe

Freezing Reign (of Terror)

Snow Day Melee

Ice Crisis

Winter Massacre

Plague of Precipitation

Dev-ice-station

Bobcat-aclysm

Curse of the Flurries

De-snow shovel-bacle

Icicle-bacle

Frozen Pipes of Doom

The Great Drift Disaster

State of Emergensleet

Salt Truck Havoc

The Scourge of the Dripping Faucets

Fiasc-snow

Bane of the Tire Chains

Snow Woes

Blight of the Unique Snowflakes


Got any to add?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

[CLOVER] I got crabs!


bahahahahahahahaha


LOL, made ya look. I'm not that kind of girl! You should have already knowed that from my last post!

Okay so, my Uncle Jake is a children's worship pastor and he's always doing these super weird things to entertain the little peoples. Like this one time he had the little peoples play this gross game where they had to make two lines facing each other and then race to the middle to pick up a slimy, squishy octopus! Like, a real one! Uncle Jake is so totally weird! And awesome!

So, the other day he decided to do a illustrayshun for the little peoples with these two big ol' Dungarees Crabs. I didn't know crabs wore jeans! So anyways, he said he was gonna put the crabbies into a bucket to show how a single crab can crawl out of a bucket wiffout problems. But if there is more than one crab, they all pull each other down in an effort to be the first one out. I can identify, because I always have to beat Snuggles out the door to the back yard. And sometimes we look like the Three Stooges (or just two of them) when we get stuck in the doorway together. I think the illustrayshun with the crabs wearing jeans was about selfishness or about crabs being weird and stinky and gross or maybe crustacean fashion for 2011. Whatever. It had a point. I think.






I dare you to even TRY and catch me.



Here's a video of me checking out the crabs. I was very fascinated with how smelly they were. It made me want to roll around on them like I do when I find a worm in the grass.

video


Snuggles was not at all interested in the crabbies. Here's how he felt about them:


Get those things away from me.





If you ask me, he was acting a little crabby about the whole thing.