[SNUGGLES] And how was ur day, Mummy?

Pls to tell me all about it, k?

Retch-tables

As I mentioned a while back, my parents are staying with me whilst they build a new house. Now, I have to say... when it comes to all things foul-smelling, I thought pit bull farts were bad, but my friends, there is something much worse and far more nefarious, I must tell you. Mom and Dad eat a TON of vegetables. Like, vegetables coming out of their ears. In particular, beans, broccoli, and cauliflower. You may be thinking that I'm going somewhere else with this - maybe that parental farts are worse than pit bull farts. But thankfully, that's not the problem since they take Beano like it's their job.

Some slogans Beano rejected...

Beano: "So you don't smell like you pooped your pants."

Beano: "Ew, you're nasty."

The problem is the veggies themselves. Mom is constantly cooking some abominable smelling retch-tables in my kitchen, which then stink up the whole house. If rotten eggs had armpits and didn't wear deodorant, this is what it would smell like. It's like a diarrhea factory on fire. It's what it would smell like if poop had a bowel movement*. The worst of the lot is the batches of exceptionally malodorous kraut, broccoli, and cauliflower that Mom cooks to smithereens. And in particular, Cauliflower was my enemy numero uno until a new smelly veg moved in last week. I submit to you... the Brussels sprout. Mom has started roasting these things, or frying them, or just torturing them to death, or something. I don't know, whatever. The point is, the stench is so horrifyingly putrid. It's like a rotten cauliflower crawled up a Brussels sprout's butt and died. But before any of that happened, 43 pit bulls farted on a skunk and then the skunk got hit by the smelliest garbage truck in the world, which was incidentally being driven by hippies. The skunk unfortunately got stuck to the tire of the garbage truck like a piece of old chewing gum. Then the truck proceeded to drive into the cauliflower's butt. Really just a chain reaction of unfortunate, stinky events.

I think this may qualify as child abuse. Does anyone know of a hotline I can call or something?

*EDITOR'S NOTE: My brother, Jake, insisted on me giving him credit for this one since he came up with it. I don't mind doing that. He got his sense of humor from me anyway.

Word Verification

Sorry, folks. I know typing in those stupid gibberish words are annoying as all crap, but I'm getting spammed left and right, so I've added it. Sue me!*

*Please don't sue me. I'm getting out of debt and I'm on a budget right now.

And I don't like spam!

There's an App for that.

Apparently there's an App for everything.

I wonder if there's an App that helps you find out whether there's an App for something?

There should be.

Do it for them.

Georgia

Here is a partial list of the corporate sponsors for the Philadelphia Eagles:



Pepsi


Budweiser


Miller Lite


Heineken


Dunkin Donuts


Taco Bell


KFC


Papa John's


Lay's


Snapple

Jonny Justice

A complete list can be found here:


http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/corporatepartners.html

I, along with many others, have decided to boycott these companies until they drop their sponsorships. I have written letters to most of them letting them know I won't be supporting them and outlining, politely, my reasoning. A quick, easy and free way to write letters is via PlanetFeedback.com. They provide the addresses and mail the letters on your behalf... no stamps, no hassle. Feel free to follow suit. I know for me it will be a sacrifice to go without some of my favorite things, especially food, however, it is nothing compared to the sacrifice the dogs made.

Lucas

Reflections on Turning 30

Yes, ladies and germs, I am the big 3-0 today. I can hardly believe it. I'm not like a lot of people, who dread turning 30. I've actually looked forward to this. However, being 30 is not what I thought it would be. When I was younger, I always thought that by the time I turned 30 I would have arrived at the following:

-My first gray hair

-At least a wrinkle or two

-Marriage

-A stable career that I love

Well... these things have yet to happen. However, notwithstanding the last 2 items, I have had a great 30 years so far and hope to have at least 30 more!

Go me-e, it's mah birthday, go me-e it's mah birthday...

Informal Poll: Which collar should I get for Snuggles?

His current one is irritating his poor little skinsies. Which one of these should I get him to replace it?

This one, (the one on the bottom, with the 2 rows)?

This one?

Or this one?

And should I get him black or brown? I know he's black and white and black should "go" better but at the moment I'm leaning towards brown. It just looks nice on him, I think.

Here's a reminder of his adorability. Picture this cuteness in your head while you're deciding on your answers to the poll.

What a good-lookin' pooch.

Tweet, tweet, tweet...

Okay, so I said I wouldn't do it and here I went and did it. I set up a Twitter account. My future niece/nephew (still in the belleh for another few weeks or so) is already tweeting so I set up an account to keep up with his/her shenanigans. Guess I might as well do some "tweets" myself. I really don't get it yet so any of you out there in teh blogosphere that want to share some tips, lemme know! And hey, if you feel like follerin' me, go fer it! I had to pick the annoying username of HeatherCherryS because some jerk already took HeatherCherry! Even Heather_Cherry was taken. UGH! Anyhoo, get to following me and you'll have such explosively stimulating updates as these to look forward to:

@everyone Just picked my nose... dug out a really good one.

@everyone Stuck in traffic. It's boring. Almost as boring as this Tweet.

@everyone Dusting the furniture.

@everyone Watching paint dry. Neat!

Totally kidding, folks. I'm not going to be one of THOSE twittererererers. It will hopefully be insightful, interesting, obnoxious, funny or thought-provoking or I won't post it. Something like:

@everyone Thinking that it's time for Dippin' Dots to change their slogan from "The Ice Cream of the Future" to "The Ice Cream of 21 Years Ago".

In fact, gonna go tweet that right now.

Chau, homepeeps!

Appreciating teh Simple Things in Life

I like to stop and smells dah cloverz sumtyms.

Life is sooooooooo byootiful. Speshully when I get to run around all nekkid-like in dah back yard after my baff. Baffs are not byootiful, however.

[Other contributer note: Dang it! Why didn't this show up as a Snuggles post? He posted it, not me! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... annoying!]

Doga

My preggers sister-in-law goes to a yoga class on Monday nights, appropriately and cutely named "Mamaste." Last night she noticed they also offer a doggie yoga class. Apparently the class is only about 5 minutes long, though, cuz dogs only know 2 poses:

Downward Facing Dog and Upward Facing Dog.

ba-dum-bump

*rimshot*

I'll be here all week.

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.

All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.

Dating Jesus

I went to a Christian college many a moon ago and during my time there I bore witness to an abundance of girls that sorely disappointed the male population on campus by deciding not to date any of them and proudly declaring instead that they were "dating Jesus." It was quite the phenomenom, due in part to a book that had become very popular at the time. This particular book detailed the evils of dating and exhorted young women to eschew this foolhardy practice. And eschew, they did.

The problem with dating Jesus, as my brother and sister-in-law were discussing with me the other day, is that once you meet The One, then there's that sticky bit of breaking up with Jesus! And tell me... just how does one break up with the Almighty?

It’s not you, it’s me. OBviously, since you’re perfect and everything. Talk about holier-than-thou! As if I can even compete with that.

It’s just not working out, Jesus. Look, it’s just that… dude. You ever heard of a haircut and a shave? And seriously, do you have to ALWAYS wear mandals? It’s kind of embarrassing. Don't even get me started on that ratty old bathrobe of yours.

We can still be friends and hang out and stuff. I mean… that water to wine thing is a pretty cool party trick, right?

I really want to keep in touch, though. I mean, come on, I pretty much think you hung the moon. Come to think of it, you actually DID do that. So that’s cool… and stuff…

So… uh…

Text me?

So... how would you break up with Jesus?

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

I made up a new word.

I was calling Snuggles a fur-person, which then became "furson." I like it. I shall keep it.

One time I saw an Asian kid wearing bizarre clothing and his hair stuck out in all directions like an anime character and I was like, "Lookit that crazy Asian......... Crasian! HAHAHA!" Another time I was talking about the character of Kelly on The Office and how valley girl she is. Which led to "trendian." Because she's Indian. Dot, not feather. Jake and Christy can both attest to the genius that led to the creation of these awesome words.

And then long time ago my brother and I started saying the word "ginormous" and then suddenly it got all *popular* (finger quotes) and crap. How'd that happen?

Have you ever made up a fun word? How about a word that you heard later and you SWORE you invented it first?

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House


Dear Doc:

I have been eating these mini-bags of buttered popcorn from a box at the back of my pantry for weeks now. I just now saw that the bags are imprinted with the following: "Best by February 2009."

Am I going to die?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Heather

New from Hasbro

Here be an artist's rendering of the single Peony I pluck-ed from my garden today. Ain't she cute?

Nofe air that I have a neighbor with bajillions of them and she never even picks a single one to put in a lovely vaaaaaaaaaaaz. She just lets them get all big and heavy and droopy and then they just die like that. *sadness*

Desperate Plea for an Introduction... to... YOU!

This is my query: are you out there? Are you reading this blog? If you're not "following" me or haven't ever made a comment, wouldn't you please comment on this post? I'd like to know who's out there reading all anonymous-like and such. Or, as Mountain Muddah likes to say "blurking" (blog-lurking).

Pretty please?

Hi everybody! Happy Mother's Day to all ye mums out there. And most of all, Happy Mother's Day to my mom. I love you like I love cake! (Actually much, much more...)

Vintage Advertisements: Inappropriate Juice Drinks Edition

Here are some not-to-be-believed juice drink mixes from Pillbury's old line of Funny-Face Drinks.

I mean, wow. There's just not much to say here. Why does the Chinese Cherry have a bow on her single "hair"-stem? Are they supposed to be leaves? And what's up with the snaggleteeth? My favorite things on Injun Orange are his war paint and the little navel butt-chin.

Wisely, Pillbury eventually came out with new flavor names to replace these two and came up with Jolly Olly Orange and Choo-Choo Cherry.

Come on! That's terrible! Making fun of jolly people and trains?! Awful! And what about Loud-Mouth Lemon and Rootin'-Tootin' Rasberry? Some people just cannot control THE VOLUME OF THEIR VOICE! and others have embarrassing gas problems. They can't help it! Or Lefty Lemon? He was BORN that way! UGH! And I know my mom won't appreciate Freckle Face Strawberry, considering that she is entirely befrecked and also a natural strawberry blonde. I'm so disappointed in you, Pillsbury! What's next, huh? Um... like... "People Who Can Curl Their Tongues Tamarind"? "Pocked-Marked Pumelo?"

Thanks to Juicy Jules for the find!

An Open Letter to openletterblog.blogspot.com

An Open Letter to openletterblog.blogspot.com


Dear openletterblog.blogspot.com:

You were set up 4 years ago by this Sean Williams guy and there's been nothing done with you, save for a "test" post. Why do you exist? Just to taunt us? Since we didn't secure your domain name first? Not only that but your owner, Mr. Williams, also had to take up openlettersblog.blogspot.com, too? And do nothing with it either?

What gives?

Sincerely,

Heather

cc:

"Eric Simpson" at openletters.blogspot.com (one entry in 2001)
"Jason" at openletter.blogspot.com (not updated since 2002)

I Heart Legos

I have been thinking lately that I might like to drive a Honda Element. Did you know that the interior is waterproof so you can powerwash the inside?! And riding in it feels like you’re inside a roomy spaceship. And they have this cool tent thing that you can attach to the back end and go camping! OMG!

An Element does resemble a Lego car, though, and sadly, I don't look like this:

And I think it might be a requirement to have hands shaped like little C’s in order to grip the steering wheel. Also, your feet have to have little square-shaped holes in them.

I really do want one, though.

Any of you out there have one and wanna tell me how you like driving it?

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