'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

Two sizes-Regular and Hospital

Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.

And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)

Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"

Reminds me of these:

What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.

Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.

How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Enjoy!

“My, my, Susan, but you sure can thread a needle like a pro!”

“Why thank you, Donna. You should see me handle a ninja throwing star.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Allow us to present this famous complexion authority. A baby holding a stuffed bunny. That’s right. Trust all your skin needs to this baby holding a stuffed bunny and you’ll never go wrong.

Yes, I feel exactly the same way about my vacuum cleaner as I do about the military man I’m pining away for. Forget the diamond, sweetie. When you come back from the war let’s celebrate by getting me that beautiful, big, sparkly Premier Vacuum I’ve always wanted!

In order to use Colman’s Self-Rising Flour, you must first arm yourself with a large shield, robe yourself in flag finery, grab the nearest curly-haired bull. Oh, and don’t forget the centurion helmet.

In this ad Wesson claims that their product is...

PURE
Okay, good. Pure is good.

DELICIOUS
I like delicious things.

VEGETABLE
Great. I need to eat more vegetables.

FAT
Wait, what?






“Everyone’s Choice”… particularly if you are a musketeer. Or a pirate. Or Inigo Montoya.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Special Thanksgiving Edition

A Thanksgiving short story...

Gather 'round, kids, while I tell a story as old as the ages.

336 Thanksgivings ago a giant man ate all the pilgrims.

The End.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Here's hoping a giant dude doesn't eat you and yours this holiday.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Important Military Biscuit Campaign

After much cajoling from my tens of ones of fans, I have returned with more vintage ads... fresh out da oven and piping mad.

Come quickly, men. The biscuits, they are just around this bend. Courage, men!

I see them! I see the biscuits!

They can take our cookies. They can take our shortbread. Heck, even our scones! But they'll never take... our biscuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done, fellows. We procured the biscuits. Now let us have a celebratory smoke. Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

Just a reminder: be sure and purchase war bonds and biscuits to support our troops.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Part I Dunno

New vintage ads for your enjoyment.

"What are the wild waves saying?"

They're saying, "Shells can't talk, dummy!"

I think I'd look surprised and all screamy if my nose disappeared, too!

I don't think I'd like to play "Uncle Wiggily" with this guy. Wait, lemme check... nope, don't wanna play.

I just love ads that use Hitler propaganda to make a point.

Pepsi will help you torture your cat with Christmas decor. Yay!

I want you to look at the sled kid's face and then just imagine with me: he ate bran flakes right before zipping up into that snowsuit.

"Ice Cream for Health"?! Now THIS is a campaign I can get behind. Somebody get me one o' those colorful rubber bracelets to wear. Get me 3 of 'em.

Vintage Advertisements: Creepy Dudes, Clowns and Elves Edition

No, I do not want to play tennis with you and your parrot and your bottle of liquor. Maybe next time. Maybe never. I'll hafta think 'pon it. There. I thought 'pon it. No. No tennis with clowns. Or parrots. Or bottles of brandy. Okay, maybe parrots.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's hiLARious to blow people up, especially when they're not expecting it!

Oh. Dear. Sweet... In the name of all that is holy... I mean...

An entire ARMY OF CLOWNS?!?!?! I can think of, well, not much that is creepier than this. They will RAIN DOWN THE JOLLY ON YOU LIKE THE HELLFIRES OF SHEOL.

Okay this little baby dude is really freakin’ cute but honestly, if that lil' chubster popped out of my soup thermos it would freak me right the crap out. Too much like a jack-in-the-box. I never liked those. So… despite the endearing little poem, no, Campbell’s, I am not interested in what you’re selling, buck-o.

And speaking of things popping out of things… NO! I do not need that old Quaker dude suddenly appearing from inside my flowers, tryin’ to sell me his oatmeal! No, no, no, no…

Om-nom-nom-nom… how cute!

Wait…

Is that a…

Clown?!?!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHakdivfha$pligEaw&riXh!!!!!!

Sterling Stoves: “A Barrel of Fun!”

Looks more to me like a barrel of creepy baby clowns.

Why does Wrigley’s hire elves to put up their billboards? And do you suppose the elves have some sort of union?

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part I've Lost Count

More vintage silliness.

Fact: Not smoking Camels will instantly give you a gigantic screamy tiger head. Also, apparently, "Pleasure Helps Your Disposition." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Okay... um. Am I the only one creeped out by the fact that there are COWS in this ad for SAWS? Why? Why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyy the cows?!

*weeping*

*wailing*

*thrashing about wildly*

Yeah, ladies. Pipes r hott. Am I right or am I right? The dude looks like my uncle or something with that thing perched in his mouth. Well, not my uncle specifically, but someone's uncle. I'm willing to bet this guy lounges around the house in a silk robe and socks with garters.

"Neglect may lead to amputation--even death." You better take heed because if you get a cut on your neck, like this fella, and it gets infected they will have to amputate your head right off! And then where will you be, smarty-pants? Remember: Band-Aids save lives. And prevent decapitations.

A rare glimpse at an early precursor to the modern-day Wikipedia. Guaranteed to make your friends feel like total ignorant losers around you.

Be sure to wear your best suit, dress or striped boxer shorts while using equipment. Opera-length gloves, a monocle, stilletos and suspenders not required but strongly encouraged for best results.

Mute Monday Topic: Spirits