Vintage Advertisements: Creepy Dudes, Clowns and Elves Edition

No, I do not want to play tennis with you and your parrot and your bottle of liquor. Maybe next time. Maybe never. I'll hafta think 'pon it. There. I thought 'pon it. No. No tennis with clowns. Or parrots. Or bottles of brandy. Okay, maybe parrots.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's hiLARious to blow people up, especially when they're not expecting it!

Oh. Dear. Sweet... In the name of all that is holy... I mean...

An entire ARMY OF CLOWNS?!?!?! I can think of, well, not much that is creepier than this. They will RAIN DOWN THE JOLLY ON YOU LIKE THE HELLFIRES OF SHEOL.

Okay this little baby dude is really freakin’ cute but honestly, if that lil' chubster popped out of my soup thermos it would freak me right the crap out. Too much like a jack-in-the-box. I never liked those. So… despite the endearing little poem, no, Campbell’s, I am not interested in what you’re selling, buck-o.

And speaking of things popping out of things… NO! I do not need that old Quaker dude suddenly appearing from inside my flowers, tryin’ to sell me his oatmeal! No, no, no, no…

Om-nom-nom-nom… how cute!

Wait…

Is that a…

Clown?!?!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHakdivfha$pligEaw&riXh!!!!!!

Sterling Stoves: “A Barrel of Fun!”

Looks more to me like a barrel of creepy baby clowns.

Why does Wrigley’s hire elves to put up their billboards? And do you suppose the elves have some sort of union?

You are Cordially Invited... to a Fashion Snarcasm Session

From the "Oh crap, no!" Files.

Let's do this thing...

And the winner of this year's title for "Miss Zebra USA" is... this chick!

She looks completely bewildered by teh ugly.

Speaking of bewildered. Uhhhhh................. what?

This. Is not a dress. I repeat. This. Is not a dress. It's a bib.

The 80's called. They want their fugly dress back. STAT.

This one's called the "Tartan Puffball." More like crapball.

Okay, I'm just going to go on the record and say I DON'T LIKE TULIP DRESSES. It looks like this model is trying to smuggle a cardboard box under there.

No.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no I need a nap.

Look deeeeep into my rose. I will hypnotize you into thinking this isn't the butt ugliest dress you ever saw.

Looks like Laura Ashley ate my granny's couch and then vomited it back up onto this model.

Is this a jogging suit or a cocktail dress? Cuz honestly I really can't tell.

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you... to throw this dress into a dumpster.

Suddenly I have the urge to do some origami.

I really have no words for this one. Wait, strike that. Actually, I do. I didn't think that tulip dresses could get uglier, stupider or more trashbaggy looking.

This one is called the "Extreme Tulip Dress." Extreme for extremly abysmal.

Sweet sassafrass, the back view is even worse. What woman would want her butt to look this big? I mean there's stupid, and then there's this.

Do you think the hostess will mind if I wear my new bathing suit to the garden party?

A dress really ought not to have this many right angles.

Anyone need a dinner napkin?

This model looks like she got punched in the stomach just before the picture was taken. And she's trying to stay strong. It's cool. Just hooooold it together for the photo.

Speaking of, it seems like a lot of the models are post-tummy-punch with their weird poses. Check it out:

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In all fairness, I found some amazingly beautiful things on this particular site and will be posting them on a future "What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend." Check out Margo's site for the skinny on this meme. I think a lot of folks have been confused by my past postings because they think I DIDN'T LIKE the stuff I posted that I "didn't buy." On the contrary, I wanted ALL of those things. The point of the game is that you window shop for stuff you adore but instead of spending the money you save it by living vicariously and posting the items on your blog for all to see. And on those occassions when you actually DO purchase something you post it all the same so others can also live vicariously through you. Get it?

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

I made up a new word.

I was calling Snuggles a fur-person, which then became "furson." I like it. I shall keep it.

One time I saw an Asian kid wearing bizarre clothing and his hair stuck out in all directions like an anime character and I was like, "Lookit that crazy Asian......... Crasian! HAHAHA!" Another time I was talking about the character of Kelly on The Office and how valley girl she is. Which led to "trendian." Because she's Indian. Dot, not feather. Jake and Christy can both attest to the genius that led to the creation of these awesome words.

And then long time ago my brother and I started saying the word "ginormous" and then suddenly it got all *popular* (finger quotes) and crap. How'd that happen?

Have you ever made up a fun word? How about a word that you heard later and you SWORE you invented it first?

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

So my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sandwich cookies have a PEANUT ALLERGY WARNING on the box.

...

...

...

...

*cricket*

...

...

...

...

*cricket*

...

...

...

...

...

You mean to tell me that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have peanut butter in them? And that peanut butter has actual PEANUTS in it??? Whaaaaaaaaaaa? And the warning is right smack dab where you grab to open the package, like one last ditch effort to warn you. As if to say, "Hey dumbass, if you're allergic to this then don't eat it, k?"

Have we become so litigious that these warnings are really necessary? I mean if you have an allergy to peanuts and you think it's okay to eat a snack that HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT, then perhaps we should just let the laws of nature take over and weed you out of the herd anyway?

This just in. My carton of milk contains milk products. Also, that bushel of wheat I picked up down at the gen'ral store has wheat-y things in it.

An Open Letter to Rod Stewart

An Open Letter to Rod Stewart

Dear Mr. Stewart:

No, I do not want your body, nor do I think you are sexy. I’m just letting you know.

Thanks for your inquiry,

Heather

An Open Letter to Dust

An Open Letter to Dust


Dear Dust:

Where the heck do you come from? Seriously. What's your deal?

Thanks in advance for any information you might be able to provide,

Me





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What If They Were Dinosaurs?

FAIR WARNING: This post is probably gonna be really dumb. No, DEFINITELY dumb. You've been warned.

At times, I like to get all introspective and stuff. I start thinking about the important things in life and the great questions of our time. The other day was one such day. It was a lazy afternoon. Locusts were buzzing their spring songs. There was a light breeze, which carried upon it the scent of early honeysuckle blooms. The promise of summer whispered sweet nothings and I started to daydream. Naturally, as you can imagine, I began to think about what certain people would look like had they been dinosaurs.

For example...

Charlotte Bronte

Brontesaurus

Peggy Bundy

Pegosaurus

Carrot Top

Tricarrottops

Lex Luthor

Tyrannicalsaurus Lex

Tom Petty

Apettysaurus

Captain Kirk

Velocishatner

Related...

Is it just me or does Carrot Top resemble Fergie-Ferg a little too much?

Finkle and Einhorn - Einhorn and Finkle - Finkle and Einhorn - Einhorn and Finkle...

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Top Ten Songs I Never Want to Hear EVER Again... Please?

In no particular order:

1. “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by Meat Loaf



2. “You’re Beautiful” – James Blunt



3. “Macarena” by Los Del Rio *



4. “Love Story” by Taylor Swift



5. “Theme from the Greatest American Hero (Believe it or Not)” by Joey Scarbury



6. “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba



7. “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder



8. “YMCA” – Village People *



9. “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers

* Note: having annoying choreography that goes with your song can, in most instances, get you an automatic submission in this category.

Yeah, it's an eclectic list, covering several decades but hey, that's me. I'm eclectic. Eclectic is my middle name. Actually, Cherry is, hence the name of my blog and all that.

I didn't put a number 10, so... what song do you think belongs on this list?

A free t-shirt. I can die now.

I took my dad to an NBA game last night. I didn't take Mom because she hates the squickety-squeak-squeak-SQUIIIIIIIIIICK noises the players' sneakers make on the court. My mom cracks me up. She has the strangest pet peeves. If you don't believe me see my post on the Top Ten Things that Creep Her Out. In addition, she hates those Charles Schwab commercials with the freakishly realistic cartoon people. She can't stand "Old Lady Perfume." And she is deathly afeared of spiders. That last one is really weird, I know. Oh, also wreaths on car grills at Christmas time really annoy her. Aaaaaaand she thinks Beyonce is "just a big ol' nuthin'" (she likes to point this out every single time she sees her on TV. Without fail.) My mom is so awesome.

So Dad and I went on a father-daughter outing to the Thunder/Jazz game. It was fantastic because my boss gave us his tickets to use, so we were on like the 7th row. By the way, do you guys know how tall NBA players are? They're really tall. And the court looks surprisingly small up close. But maybe that's just cuz of the tall players dwarfing everything else.

During timeouts the obligatory launching of free t-shirts via compressed air-gun would begin and people would start frantically waving their arms to catch the attention of the Powers That Be... Givin' Out T-Shirts. Which brings me to my point. Why. On earth. Do people freak out so much over a dang t-shirt? Seemingly normal adults turn into crazed maniacs, tackling small children and senior citizens in order to get their chance.

What. Is the big frikkin' deal? They're always like quintuple XL anyway. I mean, I suppose you could stuff a blanket into one and use it as a duvet cover on your guest bed. Or perhaps reupholster a couch. I dunno. I just DON'T get it. Maybe it's just me.