Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts

Monday, June 29, 2009

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard


An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard


Dear "Home" Key:

How come you don't work? I have pressed you several times this morning yet here at work I remain. You suck.

Warmest regards,

Heather

P.S. Maybe I should invest in a Ruby Slippers Button.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire


I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.


All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.


Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dreaming with Lunesta

I have ADHD. Which sucks sometimes. Especially when it comes to trying to fall asleep when your mind won't shut its freakin' hole. But add to that the fact that I actually have a related sleep disorder, too. It's called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Basically, my body's internal clock is off by several hours. What that means is that my mind and body want to sleep around midnight or later and then wake up around 10 or 11 a.m. I also sleep "backwards." Most people fall asleep quickly at night, sleep deeply, and then spend the early morning hours slowly waking up. I'm the opposite. So for example, if I try to go to bed around 10 p.m. I will toss and turn for hours and slowly fall asleep after a long time (if at all!). Then I do my deepest sleeping and dreaming in the morning, just before having to get up for work. You know that feeling of abruptly being woken from a very deep dream sleep? You know how sort of shocking that feels to your system and how groggy you feel and very irritable? That's how I feel every morning if my body doesn't get to sleep until its preferred time.

HOWEVER, for the last oh, 6 months or so, I've been taking Lunesta. Oh Lunesta, how I do love thee. It has been a miracle for me. I take it and in 30 minutes I'm out like Seacrest. I sleep really well and wake up like a semi-normal person the next morning. The interesting thing, though, is that I have the most bizarre, detailed dreams that feel supremely real.

So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society (does anyone else remember that?), I give you my latest Lunesta dreams...

I frequently dream that I am back in high school and that I've forgotten my locker combination (and also its location) and that I've not been going to class and I suddenly am in class having to take a big test, not knowing the material whatsoever. I had that dream but this time my classes were quite interesting. I went to Math class wherein, for some reason, we were reading and being tested on children's books. I can't remember any of the book titles. Then there was English class, being taught by a German woman but we were studying Spanish. She liked to make class fun by passing out multiple bottles of pink nail polish for the girls to paint their nails in class. Don't worry about the boys. There were none in this class, apparently. The instructor also made madeleines on some sort of panini maker thing during class for us to eat.

Suddenly there was a tornado. No warning. Just that the building was picked up and then hurled back to the earth. Immediately my classroom became one of those college stadium-type lecture halls where the chairs are affixed and in descending rows like a theatre. Folks were rushing around helping the wounded. I helped pull some people out of where they were stuck between the seats. Also, curiously, I helped some pit bulls in danger of falling (?) out of the seats. Then I went and found my brother, who was on the other side of the school. We had a happy and relieved reunion and then I began to rap.

Then I was magically on the beach in L.A. It was crazy crowded and instead of sunning themselves on the sand, folks were all perched atop multiple tiny stilted buildings, sort of like lifeguard towers. My mom was there and we started talking to a guy with a Scottish accent. He was wearing an Irish football club shirt, though. Mom was all, "Are you from Ireland?" and I was all, "MOM! Can't you hear his accent? He's Scottish!" and then he and I had a good laugh at my mom's expense with high fives all around for good measure.

The End.


Por fin, I would like to say that Lunesta has been a God-send. Now, if I can just get rid of that damn green glowing butterfly that hovers around my night table...







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Saturday, April 25, 2009

What If They Were Dinosaurs?


FAIR WARNING: This post is probably gonna be really dumb. No, DEFINITELY dumb. You've been warned.






At times, I like to get all introspective and stuff. I start thinking about the important things in life and the great questions of our time. The other day was one such day. It was a lazy afternoon. Locusts were buzzing their spring songs. There was a light breeze, which carried upon it the scent of early honeysuckle blooms. The promise of summer whispered sweet nothings and I started to daydream. Naturally, as you can imagine, I began to think about what certain people would look like had they been dinosaurs.



For example...




Charlotte Bronte

Brontesaurus










Peggy Bundy

Pegosaurus








Carrot Top

Tricarrottops











Lex Luthor

Tyrannicalsaurus Lex









Tom Petty

Apettysaurus





Captain Kirk

Velocishatner








Related...

Is it just me or does Carrot Top resemble Fergie-Ferg a little too much?




Finkle and Einhorn - Einhorn and Finkle - Finkle and Einhorn - Einhorn and Finkle...










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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Announcement: Have you guys heard about this "library" thing?



Yeah, so I haven't been to the public liberry since high school. Which is sad. Because I love books. But I just usually buy them and add to my collection rather than checking something out. But thanks to my sister-in-law, Christy, I was reminded that libraries with unlimited free books still exist! (Thanks, Sis.)

Anyway, some of you know that last fall I went back to school to complete a degree in Spanish Translation and Interpretation. So I have to do this big project in one of my classes about gauchos. No... not the pants, dummy. The Argentine cowboys.


I stopped by the liberry to pick up some research materials on the way home from work and it was so exciting! I'm such. A. Dork! I forgot how great the library can be. So many cool books and I wanted to check so many out but knew I'd never have the time to read all of them in a 2-week period.

On the way out I picked up a brochure about library policies and found it pretty interesting. Here are some of the things you'll want to keep in mind the next time you're there:
  • No firearms or dangerous weapons (except MLS authorized security officers). That would be "Metropolitan Library System" authorized security officers. No. Way. They have armed library 5-0? Do they carry guns, do you think? Or tasers? Or large staplers?

  • No disruptions such as loud talking, screaming, crying, banging on computer keyboards, etc. Sheesh. Sounds like a psych ward, not a library.
  • No communicable diseases, contagious illnesses, lice or other body or article infestation. Don't be bringin' yer dang cooties in this here liberry. Seriously, though. Body infestation? *gross*

  • No using restrooms for bathing, shampooing or doing laundry. Really? How do you explain the convenient travel-size soaps, complimentary shower cap and tiny bottles of shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one? Hmmmmmm?

  • No entering the library barefoot, without a shirt, with wet clothes, offensive body odor or personal hygiene. What do you expect if you won't let me use the bathroom to take a flea bath or do my wet laundry? I mean, be reasonable.

  • No entering unauthorized workspaces, docks or back alleys. Okay, that sounds kinda shady. Back alleys? Docks? I'm here to get books, not hide a dead body for the mob.

  • No bringing items that take up an excessive amount of space. Crap. I guess I'll have to leave my iPod Shuffle at home.

  • No prolonged or chronic sleeping or lying down. Is Chronic Lying Down an actual condition? What about Chronic Bending Over? Or Chronic Sitting Cross-Legged? Chronic Yoga Posing?

I'm going back tomorrow to check out a copy of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. and this month's Highlights magazine. I wonder if they have back issues of Cat Fancy...

I'll peruse the card catalog after I finish my load of whites.