From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.

All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.

Dating Jesus

I went to a Christian college many a moon ago and during my time there I bore witness to an abundance of girls that sorely disappointed the male population on campus by deciding not to date any of them and proudly declaring instead that they were "dating Jesus." It was quite the phenomenom, due in part to a book that had become very popular at the time. This particular book detailed the evils of dating and exhorted young women to eschew this foolhardy practice. And eschew, they did.

The problem with dating Jesus, as my brother and sister-in-law were discussing with me the other day, is that once you meet The One, then there's that sticky bit of breaking up with Jesus! And tell me... just how does one break up with the Almighty?

It’s not you, it’s me. OBviously, since you’re perfect and everything. Talk about holier-than-thou! As if I can even compete with that.

It’s just not working out, Jesus. Look, it’s just that… dude. You ever heard of a haircut and a shave? And seriously, do you have to ALWAYS wear mandals? It’s kind of embarrassing. Don't even get me started on that ratty old bathrobe of yours.

We can still be friends and hang out and stuff. I mean… that water to wine thing is a pretty cool party trick, right?

I really want to keep in touch, though. I mean, come on, I pretty much think you hung the moon. Come to think of it, you actually DID do that. So that’s cool… and stuff…

So… uh…

Text me?

So... how would you break up with Jesus?

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

Deep Thoughts, by Dan Liebert

THE GAME OF HORSESHOES
The game of horseshoes is actually very aerobic if you leave the horses in them.

COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
I think Colonial Williamsburg would seem way more authentic if, when the tourist bus arrived, all those people in Colonial costumes ran away screaming in terror.

MY LIVING WILL
I no longer wish to go on living if I should lose control of my body functions or if my mind is in a vegetative state or if I have that "old-man smell."

WOLF-CHILD
If you're a wolf-child raised by wolves and a professor finds you and adopts you, I think your wolf parents should still have visitation rights, at least on weekends and wolf holidays.

A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY

If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face."

MERRY-GO-ROUND
Do you ever feel like your life's going nowhere and you're on a merry-go-round just going around and around? Isn't that cool? I love that feeling.

NO "DOORMAT" FOR ME
I don't want a woman to be a "doormat" for me. I want a woman to be like one of those rubber pads you put under rugs to keep them from slipping. I really respect those.

STUDENT DAYS
I remember my student days, when a foam mattress on the floor was my bed, and bricks and boards were my shelves, and my school books were just empty cereal boxes made to look like school books.

A GOOD LESSON
When college kids wantonly tear down a goalpost after a football game, they should be forced to go to a forest and watch a tree grow for 40 years and maybe they'll think twice about doing that again.

RELATIONSHIPS
She believes the key to relationships is "trust," whereas I've always felt the most important thing in a relationship is me.

HOME DEPOT NIGHTMARE

I had a nightmare that I found the woman of my dreams but she was on a top shelf at Home Depot and I couldn't find anyone to get her down. I finally found a guy in an orange vest, but by the time he came back with a ladder she was an old lady.

FAMILY
A family is like the fingers of a hand: each finger is weak but together they can make a fist to beat up other families who don't know the "fist trick."

TORNADO
A really amazing, totally unbelievable tornado would be one that roared through a town and cleaned all the useless junk out of garages and sheds and arranged the rest of the stuff neatly on shelves.

Check out McSweeney's for more funny stuff I wish I had written.

What I'm NOT Buying This Weekend

Margo, over at Life in the Short Lane, came up with a great idea for those of us for whom shopping is a dangerous and tantalizing drug. It's a way to save money while sort of living vicariously through your computer. At first I thought it might be kinda fun but I didn't imagine it would placate my cravings the way it has and become total retail therapy. It really is fun! Try it! OMG just do it. Totally, like. And stuff.

So here goes for my first installment...

(Click to make the pictures bigger. Thanks to Shawn, I think I've finally figured out how to format them that way.)

Outfit No. 1

Outfit No. 2

There... I feel better now.

(A little.)

Press Button, Get Bacon

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. Sue me. I've been busy with other super important-y things. And stuff. Aaaaaaaaanyhoo, Mom was berating me (okay, not so much berating me as emailing me and politely asking) about the lack of new topic-age, so here's something to placate her...

A picture of a hand dryer that looks like a bacon dispenser:

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it totally looks like bacon!

(Check out thesneeze.com if you never have.)

Um... what else...

LOST this season is so totally rocking my dome. I'm loving it like McDonald's.

Er... um...

OMG, it's Snuggles in his new sweater!

Don't judge. He actually likes wearing it!

That's all I got for now, sports fans. Back soon with more mind-blowing blog topics that will intrigue you, titillate you and possibly cause you to burp or have heartburn (worst case scenario.)