Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dating Jesus



I went to a Christian college many a moon ago and during my time there I bore witness to an abundance of girls that sorely disappointed the male population on campus by deciding not to date any of them and proudly declaring instead that they were "dating Jesus." It was quite the phenomenom, due in part to a book that had become very popular at the time. This particular book detailed the evils of dating and exhorted young women to eschew this foolhardy practice. And eschew, they did.

The problem with dating Jesus, as my brother and sister-in-law were discussing with me the other day, is that once you meet The One, then there's that sticky bit of breaking up with Jesus! And tell me... just how does one break up with the Almighty?


It’s not you, it’s me. OBviously, since you’re perfect and everything. Talk about holier-than-thou! As if I can even compete with that.

It’s just not working out, Jesus. Look, it’s just that… dude. You ever heard of a haircut and a shave? And seriously, do you have to ALWAYS wear mandals? It’s kind of embarrassing. Don't even get me started on that ratty old bathrobe of yours.

We can still be friends and hang out and stuff. I mean… that water to wine thing is a pretty cool party trick, right?

I really want to keep in touch, though. I mean, come on, I pretty much think you hung the moon. Come to think of it, you actually DID do that. So that’s cool… and stuff…

So… uh…

Text me?



So... how would you break up with Jesus?

14 comments:

obladi oblada said...

hmm...not sure I would make fun of the mandals and the hair. Don't think I would go the whole "dating Jesus" route in the first place, awesome as He is.

Dave said...

Being a member of the Jewish persuasion and a member of the heterosexual persuasion, I would have to answer with a definitive N/A.

Julia D said...

hah! I totally think you should put this up on the open letters blog! Too funny!

Funnyrunner said...

Yeah, uh... for crying out loud. Do you think you could finish those shelves you were building for me instead of healing blind people?

pamokc said...

"I love you more as a friend"

Eric said...

Tell him that lately you've been finding Peter more attractive...

PS - The Walsh account of finding the real resting place of Peter is kind of interesting if anyone is into archaeology.

Hairball said...

How could one ever settle for a mere mortal after dating Jesus? *confused*

Milk River Madman said...

What a great post. I agree with Julia that this should be an open letter. A "Dear Jesus" letter? Yes, you could do this quite well.

Shawn said...

Girl 1: Sooo, who ya datin'?

Girl 2: Oh, just a guy named Jesus.

Girl 1: Uh, Jesus? You mean...Jesus??

Girl 2: Mmm-hmm. That's the one.

Girl 1: My BOYFRIEND, Jesus??

Girl 2: Oh no you didn't, you whore of Babylon!

CATFIGHT EXPLOSION!!

brookeamanda said...

How about the classic, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you." Works every time!

Heather Cherry said...

O/O: But He's so hott.

Dave: Shalom, my friend.

Jules: Hm, might jest hafta do that. :)

Runner: LMAO! He really is a procrastinator. I mean, where are His priORities???

Pam: Nice! Or maybe, "I love you more like a savior than a boyfriend."

Eric: That article was so cool! I'm such an archeology nerd. Thanks for the link!

Harbls: Hm... you've got a point there...

Madman: Thanks! I'm thinking about doing just that.

Shawn: Oh no thou didst not! Who you callin' a Babylonian, you JEZEBEL!!!!

Brooke: Yes, that's a good one.

Nikkie said...

keep datin' Jesus....don't ya think?

Margo said...

I never broke up with Jesus. Getting to practice polygamy as a Christian female is a well guarded secret :) How was your vacation?

Lola said...

I'm really sorry, I think you can do better and I want you to be free to meet your special someone.