Friday, March 26, 2010

Martha Stewart Facts

I’m sure most of you have already heard all of the Chuck Norris Facts before. Some of my favorites include:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Sadly, it will never happen because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin; just another fist behind his beard.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

In addition, there are now other assorted and sundry "facts" to be enjoyed upon the internets, such as Michael Bay Facts:

Instead of working out, Michael Bay blows up houses and runs away from them in slow motion.

Michael Bay once made an explosion so big, it never went out. We now call it "The Sun".

Michael Bay once paid for his meal... in slow motion.

Michael Bay has 2 speeds:
Slow Motion and On Fire.

Michael Bay dreams in CGI.

In light of these new developments in the fake fact-generating industry, I decided I should gather a list of facts for a more unlikely target: Martha Stewart.

Here we go...

Martha Stewart Facts

Martha Stewart does not organize her closets. She stares the clutter down until it sorts itself into perfectly categorized and labeled bins and baskets. Then she makes a soufflé to celebrate the victory.

Martha Stewart once roundhouse-kicked a rosebush in the face and it instantly turned into an orange tree.

Martha Stewart was not born. She constructed herself out of papier-mâché. Also, she is filled with candy. For the children.

Martha Stewart once fought off 70 ninjas with only a set of lemon madeleine-nunchucks. Then she served the nunchucks to guests at a dinner party with a lovely brown sugar and pear reduction.

Martha Stewart didn’t go to prison. The prison went to her.

Martha Stewart does not use non-stick spray to coat her bundt pan… she sweats into the pan. Also, her sweat smells like a lavender sachet. Also, she uses her sweat to
make lavender sachets.

Martha Stewart once created a working radio using only a paper clip, a stick of Juicy Fruit Gum, and a dust bunny. No wait, that was MacGyver.

Martha Stewart once defused a bomb using only a doily, a single cupcake sprinkle, and a professional bomb squad. True story.

Martha Stewart crocheted a hole in order to escape prison. She held off the guards with a loaded hot glue gun for a short time but the authorities eventually caught her as she had unknowingly left a trail of glitter.

So... what Martha Stewart facts have you uncovered in your search for the truth?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

Dear Agent Bauer:

What's up with that ridiculous loud whispering-repeating-everything thing? When you're sitting at the dinner table and you need the mashed potatoes from the other side of the table, do you do this?

[loud whisper] "Please pass the mashed potatoes. I repeat... please pass the mashed potatoes!

[then crazy gravelly yell] "Son-of-a-bitch! I spilled the gravy. Chloe, I need you on com! Send a chopper to my location with more gravy. I'm sending my GPS coordinates to your screen."

Also when are you going to figure out... there's always a mole working for the bad guy! I mean come on! How many seasons of the same plot devices and you haven't nailed this down yet?

Seriously, though, with nothing but love for ya,



Dear Fox Network:

There are only so many terrorist and kidnapping plots that one man can foil whilst going "dark" but then eventually being commended by the President before it gets kiiiiiinda boring. I officially cancelled "24" from my DVR. No hard feelings, k? It's been a good run, really it has.



P.S. I understand censorship and the need to keep things clean for primetime television and everything, but seriously... Jack Bauer is routinely tortured, almost dies, and basically loses or alienates everyone in his life while in the course of saving the country/world from impending doom. Do you honestly expect me to believe that the strongest language he uses is "Dammit!" or "Son-of-a-bitch!"? If I was an undercover drug runner hooked on heroin torturing the love of my life shortly after finding out the other love of my life was a Moley McMolerson and I had a nuclear warhead following me around like that little thundercloud follows Daffy Duck, I'd probably at least utter some of these: #@*****$@#!!! or oidthadfgxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!1 or even asdfsemicolon!!!!! I'm just sayin'...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


This video has changed my life.

Do you hear me?


My life.

P.S. I have been AWOL because I am busy house-hunting and packing stuff in anticipation of selling my house.