Friday, March 26, 2010

Martha Stewart Facts

I’m sure most of you have already heard all of the Chuck Norris Facts before. Some of my favorites include:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Sadly, it will never happen because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin; just another fist behind his beard.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

In addition, there are now other assorted and sundry "facts" to be enjoyed upon the internets, such as Michael Bay Facts:

Instead of working out, Michael Bay blows up houses and runs away from them in slow motion.

Michael Bay once made an explosion so big, it never went out. We now call it "The Sun".

Michael Bay once paid for his meal... in slow motion.

Michael Bay has 2 speeds:
Slow Motion and On Fire.

Michael Bay dreams in CGI.

In light of these new developments in the fake fact-generating industry, I decided I should gather a list of facts for a more unlikely target: Martha Stewart.

Here we go...

Martha Stewart Facts

Martha Stewart does not organize her closets. She stares the clutter down until it sorts itself into perfectly categorized and labeled bins and baskets. Then she makes a soufflé to celebrate the victory.

Martha Stewart once roundhouse-kicked a rosebush in the face and it instantly turned into an orange tree.

Martha Stewart was not born. She constructed herself out of papier-mâché. Also, she is filled with candy. For the children.

Martha Stewart once fought off 70 ninjas with only a set of lemon madeleine-nunchucks. Then she served the nunchucks to guests at a dinner party with a lovely brown sugar and pear reduction.

Martha Stewart didn’t go to prison. The prison went to her.

Martha Stewart does not use non-stick spray to coat her bundt pan… she sweats into the pan. Also, her sweat smells like a lavender sachet. Also, she uses her sweat to
make lavender sachets.

Martha Stewart once created a working radio using only a paper clip, a stick of Juicy Fruit Gum, and a dust bunny. No wait, that was MacGyver.

Martha Stewart once defused a bomb using only a doily, a single cupcake sprinkle, and a professional bomb squad. True story.

Martha Stewart crocheted a hole in order to escape prison. She held off the guards with a loaded hot glue gun for a short time but the authorities eventually caught her as she had unknowingly left a trail of glitter.

So... what Martha Stewart facts have you uncovered in your search for the truth?


Eric said...

When about to buy something in a department store, you don't ask if the brand *is* Martha Stewart, you ask if it isn't.

Martha Stewart has lived in New England for hundreds of years, she once taught Dolley Madison how to make baked goods.

Martha Stewart is not an inside trader, everyone else is an 'outside' trader.

obladi oblada said...

Mar-Stew is Bad A$$

Anonymous said...

Martha Stewart taught her cat to say "Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect".

Anonymous said... this supposed to be a joke? its kind of rude and disrespectful...why would you waste a whole page on insulting someone just because you wanted to...people nowadays are just so obnoxious.

Heather Cherry said...

Anon: yes, it is supposed to be a joke. Satire. This wasn't about insulting anyone.If you don't find the humor in it, then feel free not to read my blog. I reserve the right be obnoxious on my own blog, by the way.