Sunday, April 8, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
- For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
- Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
- Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
- A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
- The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
- The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
- Maybe this?
- The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
- The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
- The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
- Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
- That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
- A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
- A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
- Rasputin's beard.*
- Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
- A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
- A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.
Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.
So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.
*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Almost two years ago, some other bloggers and I decided to start a blog together where we could post all of our open letters. We've decided to open it up for submissions and if your letter is good enough, we might post it on The Open Letters Blog. Head on over to today's post to read more.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Some slogans Beano rejected...
*EDITOR'S NOTE: My brother, Jake, insisted on me giving him credit for this one since he came up with it. I don't mind doing that. He got his sense of humor from me anyway.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
An Open Letter to the State of Arizona
What the crap? Why are you exempt from Daylight Saving Time? That is so unfair, State of Arizona. I, for one, am not a happy camper. This business of springing forward, falling back, hopping sideways, and skipping in circles is getting a little frigging old. And I will be hating my alarm clock with that little bit of extra fervor come Sunday. But you, Arizona? You’ll be happy as a clam, secure in the knowledge that 8 AM is still 8 AM and all is right with the world. Except for the part of the world that is springing forward! Lame!
Totally jealous of you,
Monday, March 7, 2011
Come on, you know you wanna do this to your house.
"For all your button dish needs."