Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

  • For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.

  • Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.

  • Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.

  • A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.

  • The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.

  • The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.

  • Maybe this?

  • The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.

  • The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.

  • The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.

  • Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.

  • That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.

  • A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)

  • A bucket of chum past its expiration date.

  • Rasputin's beard.*

  • Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.

  • A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.

  • A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.


Eric said...

Um, a four day old egg salad and gorgonzola cheese sandwich floating in the sceptic tank of a slaughter house, in August (northern hemisphere)?

Heather Cherry said...

Okay, that's good.

I mean bad.

You know what I mean.

Brooke Amanda said...

Damn, Heather, I think you already covered it all:)

Shawn said...

Ugh, seafood counter at the grocery store already beats Brussels sprouts, even without the nuclear bit thrown in.

If you've ever had occasion to take a whiff of the inside of a dead elephant's trunk...well, it's horrid. Kind of like the black juice that seeps out of a really old potato mixed with sour tongue scrapings. But with just the faintest hint of cherry, mysteriously enough.

nikkie said...

i could tell you a little story about C-Diff, but as a nurse, that could possibly be a HIPPA violation.

i'll refrain.

yep, you may have covered it all.

KC said...

Sewage that has been piped under the front porch and left to pile up there for about a year. In Southern Louisiana, in July. With some dead fish that a hurricane left there as garnish.