Monday, March 14, 2011

Retch-tables



As I mentioned a while back, my parents are staying with me whilst they build a new house. Now, I have to say... when it comes to all things foul-smelling, I thought pit bull farts were bad, but my friends, there is something much worse and far more nefarious, I must tell you. Mom and Dad eat a TON of vegetables. Like, vegetables coming out of their ears. In particular, beans, broccoli, and cauliflower. You may be thinking that I'm going somewhere else with this - maybe that parental farts are worse than pit bull farts. But thankfully, that's not the problem since they take Beano like it's their job.


Some slogans Beano rejected...

Beano: "So you don't smell like you pooped your pants."

Beano: "Ew, you're nasty."



The problem is the veggies themselves. Mom is constantly cooking some abominable smelling retch-tables in my kitchen, which then stink up the whole house. If rotten eggs had armpits and didn't wear deodorant, this is what it would smell like. It's like a diarrhea factory on fire. It's what it would smell like if poop had a bowel movement*. The worst of the lot is the batches of exceptionally malodorous kraut, broccoli, and cauliflower that Mom cooks to smithereens. And in particular, Cauliflower was my enemy numero uno until a new smelly veg moved in last week. I submit to you... the Brussels sprout. Mom has started roasting these things, or frying them, or just torturing them to death, or something. I don't know, whatever. The point is, the stench is so horrifyingly putrid. It's like a rotten cauliflower crawled up a Brussels sprout's butt and died. But before any of that happened, 43 pit bulls farted on a skunk and then the skunk got hit by the smelliest garbage truck in the world, which was incidentally being driven by hippies. The skunk unfortunately got stuck to the tire of the garbage truck like a piece of old chewing gum. Then the truck proceeded to drive into the cauliflower's butt. Really just a chain reaction of unfortunate, stinky events.

I think this may qualify as child abuse. Does anyone know of a hotline I can call or something?


*EDITOR'S NOTE: My brother, Jake, insisted on me giving him credit for this one since he came up with it. I don't mind doing that. He got his sense of humor from me anyway.

7 comments:

obladi oblada said...

I'm with u on the brussels sprouts.. They do stink but I do eat them. I didn't know cauliflower had butts....I learn spool much from you!

Heather Cherry said...

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle. At least, according to G.I. Joe.

The Solipsist said...

You lie! NOBODY eats brussels sprouts!

Sarah and Chris said...

EEEEWWW those smell disgusting. I have a thing where I do not like smelling the food I have cooked after I eat it. Like when I leave and come back hours later and my house smells like what I last cooked........ick! So I cook with the back door open, weather permitting and light a candle or burn my scentsy to deal with it. Good luck!!

Heather Cherry said...

@Solipsist - Would that it were a lie! Alas, 'tis true.

@Sarah - The worst is when I WAKE UP TO THE SMELL because Mom has gotten up at the butt crack of dawn to start cooking. In fact, it's what dawn's butt crack would smell like if dawn was a dirty hobo!

Madge said...

I was laughing so hard I had to read your post to my co-worker. She just told me it made her hungry for Deviled Eggs.

Heather Cherry said...

Nooooooooooo!!! Tell her to save her family the anguish of having to smell that nastiness!