Friday, June 26, 2009

Worst Blind Dates Ever

As I get older and singler, everyone and their hamster wants to set me up with their grandpa's brother's greatnephew's neighbor's friend's clone grown from a petri dish. Goes with the territory.

Here are my two worst blind dates ever, which also happen to be my only two blind dates ever. And people wonder why I don't want to go on any more of them???

Blind Date 1: Guy admits to having a personality disorder, asks me how much I weigh (!) and tells me how he used to tell his ex-girlfriend she needed to lose about 10 pounds. "No, no, but she liked it when I told her that. She needed the motivation, see?" He also spent the bulk of his time talking about his ex and how wonderful she was, how beautiful her eyes were and the pet names she called him.

Blind Date 2: Guy tells me freely that he loves to frequent gay bars and drag shows "just for fun." Then he chastises me for not having ever experienced it myself. Dude, are you serious??? YOU DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THIS ON A FIRST DATE. Or a second, or a third...

Blind Date 3: Not!

What was YOUR worst date, blind date or first date?


TROLL Y2K said...

I won "manager of the year" and a trip to the famous La Costa resort in Calipornia. There, pseudo-scientists at the spa "custom-blend" you some shampoo after "scientifically" studying your head.

Took my bottle back home. Washed hair with it. Went out on date at a beachfront bar-and-grille. And...

Every sand bee within a 2 mile radius became greatly aroused by my head and swarmed upon me to attempt to eat it.

Something in that shampoo would be GOLD to beekeepers. Should have thought of that at the time!

Eric said...

One of my guy friends set me up with RedHairGirl. At first, she seemed pleasant enough, but of course the description from my friend had been enhanced a bit. Then, she started talking about what apparently motivated her entire life, nonstop, on a first date. Twirling, and teaching twirling to her students, and going to twirling competitions, twirling scoring and judging, and twirling outfits, and... zzzzz
No joking or exaggeration, for two hours straight, she sounded like Bubba Gump talking about shrimp or something.

I tried to change the subject several times, but it was like the last hole on a minature golf course, always going back to ...

I am a reaaally good listener, but as first dates go never ever just drone about one topic... Please...

And then her follow up call the next day, she actually managed to work in a twirling reference. Gahh!!!

Then there was a different blind date incident in a film theatre, but I won't talk about that here.

Jeff said...

Why do I have a feeling that some blind dates wind up like that scene in Silence of the Lambs, with the girl in in the basement and the guy lowering a bottle of lotion to her in a basket. See, that just doesn't seem like a great date to me. Call me a sensitive guy, I guess.

Nikkie said...

No blind dates for me. Yikes, scary!

Whitney G said...

No blind dates, but I routinely embarrassed myself on dates. Now I'm married, so it doesn't matter how often I fall down or run into glass doors (and my husband always checks to make sure I'm OK before he commences laughing at me), but on a first date, that's not the best impression to make.

Shawn said...

My worst dates were inevitably on account of me, so I reserve the right to remain silent.

Heather Cherry said...

Troll: I would have had a hissy fit worthy of... I dunno... somethin'. I don't do bees, man.

Eric: I like how you gave RedHairGirl a username.

Jeff: It puts the lotion on its hands or it gets the hose again.

Nikkie: Me neither, anymore!

Whitney: Married people. Lucky! [Napoleon Dynamite voice]

Shawn: Amanda, give up the dirt. ;)

Wendy said...

I had a classic blind date moment when I tried to politely decline the guy's advances saying, "Oh, I think that's something we might regret..." and he said, "But that's what regrets are for..." Love that line, didn't love the guy.

Another one I was on -- the guy was sweet but nervous and ended up knocking a ketchup bottle end over end across the room where it exploded when it hit the flagstone floor. The room went silent and everyone stared.

That was definitely my last blind date.

Mom said...

I think of your two, I might choose the drag queen guy! LOL.

Strangely, I've never had a bad. Bad boyfriends, but dates overall were OK.

Lidian said...

It wasn't a blind date, but I went on a date once in Philadelphia that consisted of looking at the Schuykill River for awhile. Just, you know, looking. And then he gave me a ride home which was nice but he was just learning to use a stick shift and it was not going all that well. That was fun.

Dave said...

I don't remember many of my dates, let alone the blind ones. I bet my dates wished they could say the same thing.

VE said...

Alas...I've never been blind so I can't contribute...I'll bet Stevie Wonder has some real whopper stories though...

moi said...

Dude arrived for our date one hour late (I only remained at the bar because some friends showed up), told me it was because he had had a severe allergy attack and had to wait for his father to wire the funds to the pharmacy (!!) so he could get his meds. I told him, well, you really should go home, then. He insisted on staying for a beer and dinner. Which I ended up paying for. Apparently, the restaurant wouldn't allow daddy to pay over the phone with a credit card.

brookeamanda said...

Just read the entire contents of my posts in the "dating" category. The older you get, the more brutal it gets trying to find a guy who isn't a complete freakshow!

obladi oblada said...

Wow, those were some wierdos HC, I wouldnt be so jazzed to go on another either. I have never been on a blind date, is that wierd?

Heather Cherry said...

Wendy: Wow, guys actually use lines like that? And not just on T.V.???

Mom: I didn't choose either of them, heh.

Liddy: "Just, you know, looking." That's hilarious!

Dave: Aw, come on. Give yerself a little credit, Davio!

VE: Nicely done! LOL.

Moi: Wow. You totally beat me.

Brooke: True that.

O/O: No, it's awesome!

Nan-Nan said...

Worst blind date ever: It was 1976 and I was a senior in high school and was set up with "the perfect guy" named Eric, who hung out with my BFF's new boyfriend, wore the foulest cologne (Jovan Musk Oil- GAG me!). We were sitting at dinner and he talked about his job and his own he liked to party and go to clubs...I thought this guy is weird and he looks awfully mature....turned out he was divorced and 30 years old, I was 17!!! I made him take me home right then. What a perv! Told my folks all about it. You could imagine my gun-toting father's reaction.....Eric the Perv actually called the next day to see if he could take me out again. I told him to come on over and ask my daddy that face to face, then all he heard was me laughing as I hung up on him.

BEST blind date ever: My brother, your Uncle Ken" set me up with honestly "THE WORLD'S MOST PERFECT GUY", named Steve, your dad, and I married him 32 years ago.

JerseyGirl said...

A comment to Shawn:



Anonymous said...

I used to be a flight attendant, and one of my best f/a friends told me about this fantastic single pilot that she wanted to set me up with.

After arguing with her forever about not doing blind dates, I finally agreed. She kept telling me what a "great guy" he was... that should have been a clue.

I arrived at the restaurant at the appointed time, and walked into the bar area. His brilliant orange hair was visible at fifty paces, and as I got closer I could see three empty beer bottles sitting in front of him. (!!!)

We sat down to eat, at which point he ordered another beer (!!!) and said he wasn't hungry, but I could go ahead. (This date was supposed to be for DINNER and a movie...)

While I uncomfortably ate alone, he downed a few more beers (!!!) and repeatedly called me "girly girl" (a death sentence offense, peeps) while boring the tears out of me with some sports gab.

He actually thought I was going to get in his car after he'd had six (or 7?) beers, but I said no thanks - I'd meet him at the movie theater in my own car.

The movie didn't go much better. He picked the movie, and then spent the entire two hours ridiculing the male protagonist of the story.

I was never so glad for an evening to end in my life! I wanted to wring my girlfriend's neck for that horror-show of her making!