Tuesday, May 26, 2009

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

10 comments:

Funnyrunner said...

lol. If any of the 1st 10 things happened in my 16-year-old marriage it would spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I'd be like: "what the heck's the matter with you?! Go be normal and let me finish my bath in peace!"

Eric said...

Hahahaha!!! Lifestyles of the Romantically Retarded!!!

The second part is funny, the first part is just insane...

shopgirl101 said...

I don't know if I would want to meet anyone who would actually take the first list seriously and do those things. CHEESY!

Margo said...

barf! If Sparkles father ever tried any of this, I'd be sure either aliens had taken over his body or he was a trickin' me.

Jeff said...

I'm trying to decide which of the first ten is the worst. Probably the one about the pizza. If you cut it into the shape of a heart, that's less pizza. Bad idea.

I have actually tried #1 before, but I got it backwards and put the towel in the tub and my girlfriend in the dryer. Try talking your way out of that one.

obladi oblada said...

LOL-Most of the firt list items would provoke my husband into making a "buck tooth" face at me, and call me "edna pedna".

The second list was awesome! Clever lad.

Dave said...

Plant a tree NOW after 18 years of marriage. I'll be dead before it's big enough for us to reminisce under. Is that why my wife printed out only that part of your post???

Shawn said...

Hmm, I think #3 of the original list is kind of cute.

Lidian said...

That first list puts me into the most unromantic, gag-me-with-a-spoon laughing mood you can imagine. Snorting with laughter, how's that for romantic?

I like your friend Patrick's list a lot. I had similar thoughts about the swing set and the umbrella-free walk in the rain.

JerseyGirl said...

replace the heart in #8 with a superman symbol, and i'm in.

-a.