Deep Thoughts, by Dan Liebert

THE GAME OF HORSESHOES
The game of horseshoes is actually very aerobic if you leave the horses in them.

COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
I think Colonial Williamsburg would seem way more authentic if, when the tourist bus arrived, all those people in Colonial costumes ran away screaming in terror.

MY LIVING WILL
I no longer wish to go on living if I should lose control of my body functions or if my mind is in a vegetative state or if I have that "old-man smell."

WOLF-CHILD
If you're a wolf-child raised by wolves and a professor finds you and adopts you, I think your wolf parents should still have visitation rights, at least on weekends and wolf holidays.

A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY

If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face."

MERRY-GO-ROUND
Do you ever feel like your life's going nowhere and you're on a merry-go-round just going around and around? Isn't that cool? I love that feeling.

NO "DOORMAT" FOR ME
I don't want a woman to be a "doormat" for me. I want a woman to be like one of those rubber pads you put under rugs to keep them from slipping. I really respect those.

STUDENT DAYS
I remember my student days, when a foam mattress on the floor was my bed, and bricks and boards were my shelves, and my school books were just empty cereal boxes made to look like school books.

A GOOD LESSON
When college kids wantonly tear down a goalpost after a football game, they should be forced to go to a forest and watch a tree grow for 40 years and maybe they'll think twice about doing that again.

RELATIONSHIPS
She believes the key to relationships is "trust," whereas I've always felt the most important thing in a relationship is me.

HOME DEPOT NIGHTMARE

I had a nightmare that I found the woman of my dreams but she was on a top shelf at Home Depot and I couldn't find anyone to get her down. I finally found a guy in an orange vest, but by the time he came back with a ladder she was an old lady.

FAMILY
A family is like the fingers of a hand: each finger is weak but together they can make a fist to beat up other families who don't know the "fist trick."

TORNADO
A really amazing, totally unbelievable tornado would be one that roared through a town and cleaned all the useless junk out of garages and sheds and arranged the rest of the stuff neatly on shelves.

Check out McSweeney's for more funny stuff I wish I had written.