Fun with Catalogs in the Bathroom at My Office

Catalog copy can be fun to read. Maybe it reminds me of the J. Peterman stuff from Seinfeld. I don’t know. But there is some really ridiculous copy floating around out there. I found this catalog at work. It’s like a fancy-shmancy catalog of décor and gadget-y things for really nice houses. There are some interesting things to be read and seen in there. For example:

“Hey, kids! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s put on our church clothes and go out to the backyard and roast marshmallows!”

“Daddy, I’m cold.”

“Shake it off, honey. Shake it off.”

Check out the dull look in this guy’s eyes. What he’s thinking: I could stay awake, just to hear you breathin’… don’t wanna close my eyeeeeeeeeeees, don’t wanna faaaaaaaall asleep cuz I miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thaaa-aaang!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I got you a fan! Can I have your Jag when you die?

“Others are mere angel hair compared to the World’s Thickest Noodle.” Well, hardy-har-har. This is the World’s Dumbest Product to Apply a Superlative To.

European Beanbags: Hip outdoor seating.” Paradoxically, it’s the squareness that makes them hip. And European.

“The drama of fire complemented by the soothing sound of water. Our sculptural masterpiece pays tribute to two earthen elements in one self-contained piéce de résistance.” More like piéce de cráp.






It looks like this guy is wearing a long white nightshirt. He doesn’t know whether to enjoy the hammock with his wife or declare “Bah, humbug.” Hey buddy, say hullo to Jacob Marley for me. Really bad photo composition on this one, methinks.

“We set out to create the greatest beverage tub on Earth—behold the impressive result.” Well, congratu-freakin-lations. But maybe you didn’t get the memo. It’s a BEVERAGE TUB.

Oh no? You didn't get the memo either? It’s a FAKE ARTICHOKE. Not a Ming Dynasty vase.

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Quick note: for the next week I'll be on vacation with my family at the beach. Suck it - bwahahahaha! Just kidding. Anyhoo, I'll probably be a bit absent from the blerg but I'm setting up some posts to auto-publish while I'm frolicking in the sand. You know, to please the unwashed masses.

Miss me bunches! XOXO!

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

So my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sandwich cookies have a PEANUT ALLERGY WARNING on the box.

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*cricket*

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You mean to tell me that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have peanut butter in them? And that peanut butter has actual PEANUTS in it??? Whaaaaaaaaaaa? And the warning is right smack dab where you grab to open the package, like one last ditch effort to warn you. As if to say, "Hey dumbass, if you're allergic to this then don't eat it, k?"

Have we become so litigious that these warnings are really necessary? I mean if you have an allergy to peanuts and you think it's okay to eat a snack that HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT, then perhaps we should just let the laws of nature take over and weed you out of the herd anyway?

This just in. My carton of milk contains milk products. Also, that bushel of wheat I picked up down at the gen'ral store has wheat-y things in it.

Vintage Advertisements: Inappropriate Juice Drinks Edition

Here are some not-to-be-believed juice drink mixes from Pillbury's old line of Funny-Face Drinks.

I mean, wow. There's just not much to say here. Why does the Chinese Cherry have a bow on her single "hair"-stem? Are they supposed to be leaves? And what's up with the snaggleteeth? My favorite things on Injun Orange are his war paint and the little navel butt-chin.

Wisely, Pillbury eventually came out with new flavor names to replace these two and came up with Jolly Olly Orange and Choo-Choo Cherry.

Come on! That's terrible! Making fun of jolly people and trains?! Awful! And what about Loud-Mouth Lemon and Rootin'-Tootin' Rasberry? Some people just cannot control THE VOLUME OF THEIR VOICE! and others have embarrassing gas problems. They can't help it! Or Lefty Lemon? He was BORN that way! UGH! And I know my mom won't appreciate Freckle Face Strawberry, considering that she is entirely befrecked and also a natural strawberry blonde. I'm so disappointed in you, Pillsbury! What's next, huh? Um... like... "People Who Can Curl Their Tongues Tamarind"? "Pocked-Marked Pumelo?"

Thanks to Juicy Jules for the find!

Pet Ometer

I got a free pedometer at a health fair at work.

The instructions that came with said gizmo included the following bit of ridiculosity:

“NOTE: This is a mechanical device and requires no batterios.”

Made in China.

Shocking!

So… Batterios. Is that like Spaghettios? Or Cheerios?

I know I would love a big bowl of whole grain Batterios for breakfast.

Mmmmmmmmmm… metal-y.

Superfluous Cozies

You’ve probably heard of a tea cozy or a toaster cozy before. Simply put, cozies are clothing for inanimate objects and things that aren’t people. And now there’s all sorts of them out there. Cell phone cozies, iPod cozies, coffee cup sleeve cozies and on and on.

Check out these sillypants cozies…

Radio Cozy

Rock Band Drum Head Covers




Bonsai Tree Trunk Leg Warmers



Muggy Mitten




Fashionable Flower Pot Wrap




Apple Cozy




Key Hats




Tree Sweater




Cane Cozy




Lil’ Ping-Pong Ball Nommer Dude




Little French Headphone Berets
(Now I want to see eety-beety ones for iPod earbuds!)




Snail Shell Cozies




Lip Balm Cozy




Easter Egg Bunnies




More Eggy Coziness




Fancy French Press Coffee Thingie Cozy




Tea Bag Tote




Grenade Cozy

Laptop Cardigan

Guinea Pig Sleeping Bag




Apple Sweater and Snack Bar Sock
(I actually freaking love this.)




Cup Coats
(Lookit!)




Holy carp, so adorable!

What can I say? I’m a bit nutty about clothing made for fruit.


And to be honest, though a lot of these items are goofy and/or unnecessary, I have to admit that I find the majority to be utterly darling.

Dumbest Product Ideas Ever

May as well start the new year off with a little levity. Enjoy these little treasures gleaned from the outer reaches of the netherwebs. Just try not to go into convulsions.

• Banana Guard - The website states: "Bananas may go in your bag in perfect condition but most often they emerge looking like they've done fifteen rounds against a middle-weight boxer with a fruit problem. Fortunately for us, this problem was solved by a brilliant Canadian. Keeping nature's funky shape, size and colour, the designers have made a sturdy case. Be the envy of battered banana eaters everywhere when you pull this out from your bag. Features:
  *The Banana Guard is made from durable plastic with a sturdy locking mechanism
  *Small perforations to facilitate ventilation preventing premature ripening
  *Made in Canada"

Yes, only a dirty Canadian could come up with an idea this stupid.

P.S. Um... it's really creepy looking. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

• Flair Hair - visor with fake hair attached.

No. Just... no.

• Chest Hair Toupee - for those men who are still lacking that manly confidence, even after donning the aforementioned super-cool hairy visor.

Awww... it's heart-shaped!

• Secure Outdoor Cat Run - This is basically the hamster ball given a makeover. Its purpose? To torture your cat. You pretty much toss your cat into the Mesh Tunnel of Death and watch him frolick the day away, right? Probably not, but I bet you'll get some laughs out of watching Mr. Flufferkins trying to escape in a fit of kitty rage.

I love how the owner in this particular photo has placed a ball outside the thing, pretty much guaranteed to piss the cat off.

• Nose Aerobics - "The only sport you play on your face!" Rejected slogan: "Guaranteed to get you picked last in dodgeball!"

Get this. They're sold out. SOLD OUT, PEOPLE. What is this world coming to?

• Rejuvenique - Electrocution Mask of Terror. Basically you strap this thing on and it electrocutes your face... you know... to improve your complexion and stuff. It actually comes with what they call "toning gel" that must be put on all contact points. Um... hello? Sounds like the conducting gel they use on those shock paddle thingies at the hospital. Can you say "red flag"???

You, too, can look like Hannibal Lector, The Phantom of the Opera, or Jason from Friday the 13th. Take your pick! The possibilities are endless!

Hand Phone

Some friends and I were discussing Hand Phones the other day. You know, you're telling a story about how you were on the phone with so-and-so and inevitably, your hand goes up to your face, pinky and thumb jutting out, pantomiming the invisible phone?

Why do we do this?

First of all, I've never seen any phone shaped that bizarrely and secondly... well, there is no second point. But I do think it would be really cool to come out with a phone that looks like a hand. I would totally buy one. But then again, after watching Juno I totally want a hamburger phone, too, if for no other reason that to be able to say things like, "Nothin'... oh, just talkin' on m'hamburger phone here." That would rock dome.

So anyway, guess what I happened upon, out there in the vastness of the worldwide interwebs?

This!

Wired blog calls it, "Possibly the Worst Cellphone Concept Ever". I call it, "Possibly... No... No... ABSOLUTELY and IRREFUTABLY the Awesomest Cellphone Concept Ever!"

Actually, if I'm being truthful, this next one has been my favorite for a long time and I've always had the itch to buy one:

I can imagine the looks I would get strolling through the mall, talking on one of these retro handsets, while the actual cell phone is cleverly concealed in my purse. Genius!

Here are a few other gems I came across:

You, too, can be Zach Morris.

The only thing better than talking on a hamburger is talking on a banana. 100% fact.

Wow. Really? Because sticking your finger in your other ear to keep the noise out... yeah, that would look really ridiculous, right?