Model Behavior

I love the way models pose in catalogs. It's always so... natural.

Yes, Officer. I understand that I've been placed under arrest for "Modeling While Under the Influence of an Ugly Mauve Shirt Tunic Thing", and yes, I understand my rights as you've read them to me.

They told me these beads were made of shell, so I'm listening to see if I can hear the ocean.

This bag is so large I can hardly hold it up.

I really need to pee. Can I be excused from the photo shoot?

I've got an itch right... about... here.

Really? Cuz I've got one right back here. We should totally start a club!

I hate you.

Just kidding, lol!

I have scoliosis.

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

Two sizes-Regular and Hospital

Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.

And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)

Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"

Reminds me of these:

What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.

Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.

How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.

Martha Stewart Facts

I’m sure most of you have already heard all of the Chuck Norris Facts before. Some of my favorites include:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Sadly, it will never happen because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin; just another fist behind his beard.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

In addition, there are now other assorted and sundry "facts" to be enjoyed upon the internets, such as Michael Bay Facts:

Instead of working out, Michael Bay blows up houses and runs away from them in slow motion.

Michael Bay once made an explosion so big, it never went out. We now call it "The Sun".

Michael Bay once paid for his meal... in slow motion.

Michael Bay has 2 speeds: Slow Motion and On Fire.

Michael Bay dreams in CGI.

In light of these new developments in the fake fact-generating industry, I decided I should gather a list of facts for a more unlikely target: Martha Stewart.

Here we go...

Martha Stewart Facts

Martha Stewart does not organize her closets. She stares the clutter down until it sorts itself into perfectly categorized and labeled bins and baskets. Then she makes a soufflé to celebrate the victory.

Martha Stewart once roundhouse-kicked a rosebush in the face and it instantly turned into an orange tree.



Martha Stewart was not born. She constructed herself out of papier-mâché. Also, she is filled with candy. For the children.

Martha Stewart once fought off 70 ninjas with only a set of lemon madeleine-nunchucks. Then she served the nunchucks to guests at a dinner party with a lovely brown sugar and pear reduction.



Martha Stewart didn’t go to prison. The prison went to her.

Martha Stewart does not use non-stick spray to coat her bundt pan… she sweats into the pan. Also, her sweat smells like a lavender sachet. Also, she uses her sweat to make lavender sachets.

Martha Stewart once created a working radio using only a paper clip, a stick of Juicy Fruit Gum, and a dust bunny. No wait, that was MacGyver.



Martha Stewart once defused a bomb using only a doily, a single cupcake sprinkle, and a professional bomb squad. True story.

Martha Stewart crocheted a hole in order to escape prison. She held off the guards with a loaded hot glue gun for a short time but the authorities eventually caught her as she had unknowingly left a trail of glitter.




So... what Martha Stewart facts have you uncovered in your search for the truth?

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Enjoy!

“My, my, Susan, but you sure can thread a needle like a pro!”

“Why thank you, Donna. You should see me handle a ninja throwing star.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Allow us to present this famous complexion authority. A baby holding a stuffed bunny. That’s right. Trust all your skin needs to this baby holding a stuffed bunny and you’ll never go wrong.

Yes, I feel exactly the same way about my vacuum cleaner as I do about the military man I’m pining away for. Forget the diamond, sweetie. When you come back from the war let’s celebrate by getting me that beautiful, big, sparkly Premier Vacuum I’ve always wanted!

In order to use Colman’s Self-Rising Flour, you must first arm yourself with a large shield, robe yourself in flag finery, grab the nearest curly-haired bull. Oh, and don’t forget the centurion helmet.

In this ad Wesson claims that their product is...

PURE
Okay, good. Pure is good.

DELICIOUS
I like delicious things.

VEGETABLE
Great. I need to eat more vegetables.

FAT
Wait, what?






“Everyone’s Choice”… particularly if you are a musketeer. Or a pirate. Or Inigo Montoya.

That's IT!

I’m growing my hair back out… OFFICIALLY.

Today I stopped by Wendy’s to pick up a salad (I’m on a diet, people!) and as I paid and got my food the woman working there said to me, “Thank you, sir.”

...

...

...


Sir?

SIR?!?!

I mean, I know I have short hair but in my defense I was wearing large hoop earrings, makeup, high heels, boobs. You know, stuff like that.

Not.

Cool.

So… now I’m off to shave my mustache and drown my sorrows in chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone.

Half-Moon Manicure

I want to get a couple more people to take the pit bull identification test before I post the answers and more info. So until then I'll just post this picture of my cute new half-moon manicure. (No, it's not black, it's dark navy.)

This vintage style is coming back in vogue but it used to be the way ladies painted their nails all the time back in the day. Sort of like a French or American Manicure except that the moons in addition to the tips were left white. It was considered a bit on the edge to paint the entire nail like we're used to now. Your girlie historical fact for the day!

Sorry, fellas. Here's some, uh... stuff for you.

Doga

My preggers sister-in-law goes to a yoga class on Monday nights, appropriately and cutely named "Mamaste." Last night she noticed they also offer a doggie yoga class. Apparently the class is only about 5 minutes long, though, cuz dogs only know 2 poses:

Downward Facing Dog and Upward Facing Dog.

ba-dum-bump

*rimshot*

I'll be here all week.

You are Cordially Invited... to a Fashion Snarcasm Session

From the "Oh crap, no!" Files.

Let's do this thing...

And the winner of this year's title for "Miss Zebra USA" is... this chick!

She looks completely bewildered by teh ugly.

Speaking of bewildered. Uhhhhh................. what?

This. Is not a dress. I repeat. This. Is not a dress. It's a bib.

The 80's called. They want their fugly dress back. STAT.

This one's called the "Tartan Puffball." More like crapball.

Okay, I'm just going to go on the record and say I DON'T LIKE TULIP DRESSES. It looks like this model is trying to smuggle a cardboard box under there.

No.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no I need a nap.

Look deeeeep into my rose. I will hypnotize you into thinking this isn't the butt ugliest dress you ever saw.

Looks like Laura Ashley ate my granny's couch and then vomited it back up onto this model.

Is this a jogging suit or a cocktail dress? Cuz honestly I really can't tell.

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you... to throw this dress into a dumpster.

Suddenly I have the urge to do some origami.

I really have no words for this one. Wait, strike that. Actually, I do. I didn't think that tulip dresses could get uglier, stupider or more trashbaggy looking.

This one is called the "Extreme Tulip Dress." Extreme for extremly abysmal.

Sweet sassafrass, the back view is even worse. What woman would want her butt to look this big? I mean there's stupid, and then there's this.

Do you think the hostess will mind if I wear my new bathing suit to the garden party?

A dress really ought not to have this many right angles.

Anyone need a dinner napkin?

This model looks like she got punched in the stomach just before the picture was taken. And she's trying to stay strong. It's cool. Just hooooold it together for the photo.

Speaking of, it seems like a lot of the models are post-tummy-punch with their weird poses. Check it out:

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In all fairness, I found some amazingly beautiful things on this particular site and will be posting them on a future "What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend." Check out Margo's site for the skinny on this meme. I think a lot of folks have been confused by my past postings because they think I DIDN'T LIKE the stuff I posted that I "didn't buy." On the contrary, I wanted ALL of those things. The point of the game is that you window shop for stuff you adore but instead of spending the money you save it by living vicariously and posting the items on your blog for all to see. And on those occassions when you actually DO purchase something you post it all the same so others can also live vicariously through you. Get it?