Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part IV

More insanity...

This ad claims that "In ancient times, people did not say 'How do you do?' They said, 'How are your bowels?'" I'm sure that's completely historically accurate. And I love the picture of the two Bible-Times lookin' dudes chatting in the desert, presumably about their bowels.

"What up, Balthazar? How are your bowels, homes?"

"Dude, Zephaniabbakukaphebosheth! My bowels are actin' a foo. I got a mad case of diarrhea. What are your bowels up to these days, bro?"

"Not much my man, cuz I be constipated. Straight up, G."

I'm not sure why I imagine them speaking in such an urban fashion. I dunno. That's just how my imagination rolls.

Hey, here's a fun experiment. Next time you come back to work on a Monday, instead of the old tried and true, and admittedly boring, "How was your weekend?" impress your coworkers with your knowledge of ancient history by asking them how their bowels are. Let me know how it goes.

Wow. Just... wow.

They were sure to note that "everything is priced the same as 'regular clothes'". So come on, fatties! We won't penalize you for having to use yards and yards and yards and yards and YARDS of extra fabric for your ginormous fatty clothes. Why? Because we care.

Come on, tiny nekkid babies... help me make this Jell-O or you're fired! From... Jell-O... making... duties. Hey! I mean it, tiny nekkid babies! Get to work. And stop being so jolly.

Another gem from our friends at Jell-O. For those who can't read the tiny/fuzzy print, the ad starts out, "Show the new girl just once what can be done with Jell-O and then you will always be sure of one fine dish for dinner. She may spoil everything else, but she will make a fine dessert of Jell-O." I don't know what "new girl" means, but I'm guessing it's referring to a maid/cook/indentured servant/hobo being kept in the basement. Apparently Tilly is as dumb as a bag of hammers. And her boss lady is a grade-A shrew. Jeez, Jell-O... condescending much? I'm never eating you again!

(Until the next time I get sick with a sore throat... or if all my teeth fall out someday).

Oh, sure. All dudes sit around shooting the breeze in their underpants. And WOOL?! Wool underwear? What? I mean... just... no.

This is just wrong on so many levels. Note that he "even likes lollipops." Isn't that just darling? Also, "Live delivery guaranteed." That right, folks. No dead monkey deliveries here. We don't play around. Exploitation, yes. Death, no.

That is all for now.

An Open Letter to the Skanky Guy

An Open Letter to the Skanky Guy

Dear Skanky Guy Who Pulled up Next to Me at a Red Light the Other Day and Said, “What Kind of Car is That?” to Which I Replied, “A Smart Car,” and Then You Asked, “Do You Plug it in?” and I Answered, “No, I Wind it up With a Gigantic Key,” While Pantomiming the Winding of a Gigantic Invisible Key, and You Were All, “Really?” and I Was Like, “No.” And Then You Asked, "Can I Drive It?" and to Your Great Surprise I Was Like, "No!" And Then When You Saw Snuggles in the Passenger Seat, You Queried, “Is That a Pit?” and When I Answered, “Yes,” You Said, “Oh. That’s Tight.” And Then You Were Like, “Are You Single?” and I Was Like, “No.” and You Were All, “Oh. Okay. Have a Nice Evening, Then”:

Don’t. Don’t do that.

Sincerely,

Me

Wow.

My head is about to explode right now. I have just read this article on Fox Sports and I want to bawl my eyes out and punch something really hard... all at the same time. [edit: actually, I read the article last week and have been composing, rewriting and adding to this post ever since.]

V*ck (yes, a 4-letter word) may actually be released from prison as early as May, only to be "confined" within his own home. He would be on house arrest but hey, no worries! The good Newz for him is that funding and running a dogfighting ring doesn't require leaving the house. Lucky guy. So instead of the original halfway house plan, he'll be languishing in torment within his own "cozy" quarter-million-dollar, 3,500-square-foot crib, complete with awful, awful swimming pool. The reasoning for this? The halfway house is out of space!!!

The idea that this could all come about so soon was upsetting enough before I got to... the Comments section under the article itself. I am in complete and utter disbelief at the level of cruelty and ignorance displayed by many of the posters on the board there.

Soapbox time. I need to vent before I spontaneously combust.



Some of the comments that upset me the most were along the same lines as the following:

• V*ck did his time. Leave him alone. Actually, no. He didn't. Or hasn't. The whole point of the article is that he'll probably be released early. Nevermind the fact that the time he did serve was for his financial involvement in the operation. The punishment wasn't even for the torture and murder of animals.


• Everyone deserves a second chance. He's a great football player. Let him back into the NFL. If those corrupt CEO's that stole everyone's money can get away with their "golden parachutes" why can't V*ck play? Blah, blah, blah, ridiculous nonsensical crap... First of all, look around... who on earth is saying those CEO guys got what they deserved?! And I'll give you a shiny new nickel if you can find any one person in America who thinks they should be given back their previous jobs... ever! Do you think that if they did prison time (whatever amount is "fair") that once they're released people will be clamoring for them to be once again gainfully employed as CEO's at some Fortune 500 company? "H" no! MOST folks who come out of prison have a difficult time rebuilding their lives, starting over again and finding new jobs, especially in the white collar world. I have a very close friend who was, in a past life, an inmate. He worked very hard in school after being released and now has a very comfortable job in the corporate world. I am very proud of him and he deserves to be where he is. But V*ck doesn't have to be a star QB to be given a "second chance." Perhaps his second chance is mopping floors or salting French Fries or clipping hedges. Why does it have to be another round of fame and fortune in order to be considered a "second chance"???


• Other athletes have done far worse things and didn't get punished this harshly. How come Michael Phelps can get away with hitting the bong? Really? Really, you're going to compare the murder and torture of innocent creatures to smoking some weed? I'm not condoning what Phelps has done and neither is a lot of the media. The guy is being completely blasted for the indiscretion and besides, the incident is so fresh that we still don't know what's going to ultimately happen with Phelps' career, endorsements, etc., as the thing progresses. Also, does anyone remember a fella named Pete Rose? He got banned for life from baseball because he gambled. Gambled. Again, not condoning, but come on, people. There is no comparison here. AND DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED on the cretins commenting that athletes like A-Rod deserve being banned for steroids, however, V*ck is being unfairly treated. Hooooooooooooooly crap.


• He's just being made an example because he's famous. No one else gets punishment this harsh for dogfighting. Everyone's just picking on V*ck because he's high-profile. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! And are you sure about that? Have you been following the case of Jerry Southern? The DA says he could face a 350-year sentence Or the recent bust in North Carolina? Or any of the other dogfighting busts ever? Doubt it! This is likely the only one you've ever really heard about or paid attention to and that's because V*ck is, yes, famous. But that doesn't mean that other non-famous dogmen aren't routinely punished. Ed Faron (North Carolina) was sentenced to 8 to 10 months' prison time for 14 felony dogfighting counts. Compare to Vick's sentence of 23 months after pleading guilty to only 1 count of sponsoring fights, which carries a maximum sentence of 5 years.

• They're just dogs. Okay, this type of comment doesn't even deserve a response. It's just total jackassery, to put it mildly.


• Calm down! It's not like he murdered someone or beat his wife. No, he beat the dogs entrusted to his charge and who had no choice in the matter. He murdered dogs who trusted him despite his cruelty.

• PETA. How many comments did I read that said things like "PETA sucks! Leave V*ck alone! Those nutcases over at PETA can shove it!" I'd like to know why anyone is even bringing PETA's name into this conversation? Did you happen to know that PETA called for the mass euthanasia of every single dog confiscated from this bust? Did you know that PETA thinks all pit bulls should be killed? Are you aware that PETA considers having a pet ("companion animal") tantamount to slavery?

• He should have to pay half of his future NFL salary to PETA. So they can use the money to call for the euthanasia of every other pit bull on the planet?

By the by, I was at a PetsMart during Christmas time getting Snuggles' picture taken with Santa. He (Snuggles) was wearing his V*ck Sucks t-shirt and a lady came up and said, "Oh, let me see his shirt... now what does that say? 'V*ck'? Who's that? What's that mean?" I said, "Michael V*ck? The football player that killed all those dogs?" Her response, "Oh... well, I don't follow football." Apparently you also don't follow the news and you also make your residence beneath a rock.

This just in...

Froggy Version 2.0 is offline.

I bought a brand spankin' new Froggy just like the old Froggy (though Froggy 1.0 will never be truly replaced in our minds). Within 5 minutes after returning from PetsMart I was setting up my laptop for some studying and I looked over and lo and behold that little turkey-fart had put a hole into Froggy's head... AGAIN.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, the dog-walker starts this afternoon.

Heh.

This is why I need to hire a dog-walker...

And now, let us all pause for a moment of silence, to mourn the tragic and sudden death of Froggy. I came home tonight to find that he had... wait for it... *croaked* after being lobotomized by Snuggles. Poor Froggy. He was a gentleman of a frog. Perhaps a bit (ahem) *stuffy* at times, yes. But he lived a good life, albeit short.

Witness, if you can stomach it, the carnage...

Yahweh be praised, Sheepy was mercifully unharmed in the bloodbath. Although, for quite some time now he has been mysteriously missing both ears. I like to refer to him by his Spanish nom de plume, "La Oveja Sin Orejas," just cuz it sounds so poetic and rhyme-y and stuff.

Methinks it's time to hire a dog-walker to come and take the Burgle-Bean for a long walk on the days that I have class. Ya think?

Rachele and Snuggles Sittin' in a Tree...

Those who know me well know I lost my heart in Perú last summer on a mission trip. I brought home a new outlook on life, unforgettable experiences and lifelong friends. My best friend from Lima, Rachele, came to visit a couple weeks ago. She stayed in my ridiculous pink guest room and we had the best time.

Rach

(A.K.A. Rachele Alesandra Franchini Cueva)

Here we are, sitting on the giant shoe at City Bites. You know... the giant shoe that has a sign on it that basically says, "Don't Sit on the Giant Shoe!" Not to worry, the guy working there said it was okay. Probably because Rachele was hot and had a cute accent. :o) Just guessing. BTW, the only thing cooler than regular-sized Chuck Taylors is a giant Chuck. And the only thing cooler than a giant Chuck is a giant Peanut Butter Swirl cookie from City Bites. But only because it can be eaten and a giant Chuck cannot. Well, I suppose it could but, um... ew.

Peruvians are some of the most loving and genuinely dear people I've ever had the pleasure of being around. While Rachele is like a sister to me, I have not yet been able to meet her family. Still, they sent with her the most lovely gifts for our family. I can't wait to meet them in person because I already love them. If you want to learn the true meaning of AGAPE love (I've got that on the brain since it was the topic of yesterday's sermon), go to Perú. What I see in Rachele and the other peruanos I met last summer is what Jesus talks about when He says to come to Him like a little child. In these precious, precious people I see such a childlike wonder and innocence. It's almost too hard to describe what I mean by that. But those who got to meet Rach while she was here--my family--and friends, can attest to it.

At the Melting Pot

One really cool thing that I got to witness while Rach was here was her warming to Snuggles. If you can even believe it, "pit bulls" have an even worse reputation in Perú than they do in the U.S. Hard to imagine, I know. When Rach first arrived I'm pretty sure she was scared of Snuggles. I could see it in her body language. He would jump up to greet her (I know - I'm still working on that with him) and she would go completely rigid, turn away and sort duck away from him. And when I told her he was a pit bull, she was astonished. And a little freaked out, I think. She said, "I can't wait to tell all my friends at home that I was around an actual pit bull!" When she told a friend at home that she was staying with a pit bull, he said, "I'm scared! He's gonna eat me!" I hated that Rachele was nervous around Snugs and I was hoping against hope that he could prove himself to her and show her what "pit bulls" are really like.

Well, I got my wish and Snuggles got a new BFF! By the end of the week, Snuggles was cuddling up next to or on top off Rach all the time. She got a cold while she was visiting and napped a lot on the couch. She told me that Snuggles could tell she didn't feel well and that he laid down with her and took care of her while I was at work. He even started to obey her commands in Spanish! It was adorable.

Here are some pictures of my best buddies, shortly before Rachele's departure from OKC.

The night before Rachele's flight was to take off for Lima, I was hanging out in her room while she packed her things. It was then that I witnessed the most precious, adorable, REDONK thing ever! Snuggles brought in his squeaky bone. He gently placed it into her suitcase. He nosed it into the middle and left it there. He left the room. He came back with his sheep. He put his sheep in the suitcase. He left and returned again, this time with his froggy. He put the froggy in the suitcase. One at a time, he brought in his favorite toys and left them in Rachele's suitcase. I was just in awe of the whole thing. I regret so much not getting it on video! But I was just so caught up watching him play out this cute little drama that I didn't even think of it until he was finished.

Mr. Pouty McPouterson

The day Rachele got home she sent me an email asking me to tell everyone how much she enjoyed the visit, how much she loves them all and how much she will miss them. Then she specifically asked me to give many "besos y cariños" to Snuggles (love and kisses). She said she missed him so much she wanted to cry. She has posted her pictures with him on her Facebook saying how she loves him and misses him so very much and talks about how he is the most caring and loving pit bull in all of existence!

I can't say I'm surprised Mr. WigglyPants won yet another person over.

I had a friend mention this weekend, "Hey, did you know that some people want to like, ban pit bulls or something? Like, they want to pass laws against them and stuff. Crazy, huh?"

Yep... yep, it is...

P.D. A mi hermanita, Rachele... muchos besitos y abrazos de Snuggles y de mí. Te extraño muchísimo, Sis.

Snuggles is famous!

Ch-ch-ch-check it out!

(you thought I was gonna say "Ch-Ch-Ch-CHIA!" didn't you? Ha ha, you were wrong...)

So Snuggles is starting to make me feel a bit inadequate about how much more popular and cool he is than me. Consider the following Exhibits...

First off, he is in the Spay Day Online Pet Photo Contest for the cutest pet so please go vote for him!

Here's his entry:

Snuggles

My person: Heather, OKLAHOMA CITY, OK, United States

Nickname: Snugglebug, Snuggies, Snugs, Buggy, Burgle-Bean

Favorite thing to do: Why, to snuggle, of course!

Most endearing bad habit: Moaning like a moo-cow when we go for car rides.

I fell in love with his goofy ears the instant I saw him on Petfinder. And he's so incredibly loving and cuddly despite having been an abuse/neglect rescue case. He's the world around which I revolve.

My Charity: Volunteers for Animal Welfare, Inc. (Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, United States)

Click here to vote for Snuggles!

Proceeds from the voting ($5= 5 votes , $10 = 10 votes, $25 = 25 votes, and seriously, do I need to go on explaining this to you, dummy?) go 100% to the local Oklahoma organization Volunteers for Animal Welfare, Inc. They provide low-cost spay/neuter and vaccination services to needy Okies.

4 out of 5 dentists agree that Snuggles is adorable and the 5th dentist was recently fitted with cement shoes and is currently vacationing at the bottom of Lake Hefner... so, uh... I'm not trying to threaten anyone, but uh... well, yeah I am. So... go vote for Snugglebug! Or else I'll have to commence poking you with a soft cushion! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA...


Exhibit B: head over to my friend Nancy's awesome new website The Pit Bull Princess and get a load of my Snuggies on the front page REPRESENT-IN! Besides Snuggles, there are some other really cute things on the site, like the vintage advertisement-inspired pibble posters:



And lastly, I ran across some Snuggles posts on the Best Friends site of Forever Friends, the awesome rescue group I went through to adopt Snuggles from Petfinder. They even gave my blerg a shout-out:

"Snuggles Gets A Great Home, And A New Mom Who Can Blog, Or Is That Brag?"

These two feature Snugs in his yellow raincoat with little yellow duckies:

"Snuggles in his ducky raincoat"

"2009 Adoption statistics for FFHS"

Sigh... I am SO PROUD!

Hed. Asplode. From too much cuteness!

Instructions for chasing all your blues away:

Step 1: bottle feed a puppy.

The end.

Several weeks ago a gal named Carrie found a litter of 5 pibble puppies in a shed on her property. Momma was nowhere to be found and the babies' eyes hadn't even opened yet. Carrie contacted Forever Friends Humane Society and after a lot of scrambling around by a group of folks, the pups were rescued. Two stayed here with my friend Sabrina and three went to Missouri with my friend Lillian. Both of these women have bottle fed puppies before so they were eager to take on the challenge.

So a couple weekends ago Brina let Mom and me come over to visit her 2 babies. Words cannot express the extreme cuteness. We even got to bottle feed them ourselves. Holy crab. Just. The best thing. EVER! Tiny puppies whining and grunting and crawling around like little army men with milk mustaches and goatees.

I mean.

Just.

What.

I can die now.

And the puppy breath... oooooooh, the puppy breath. Did I mention the puppy breath? I was kissing one of the pubbies goodbye and he started biting my nose and I almost had a seizure from the complete and utter adorability of it all.

Here are some pics of the visit. On your mark... get set... be jealous!!!

Pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-TINIEST BURP EVER!

Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say "goodbye" 'til it be morrow...

(taken with my mom's iPhone - that's why these 2 pixes are iBlurry)

Here are a couple of short video clips I took, too.

Can you even believe the itty-bitty growlage? ACK!

Sigh...

Lilly sent me some pics of the other three babies this week, too. Here they are, being ridiculously adorable, making out and playing with the rest of their puppy play group.

Thanks, ladies! Brina and Lil, you two are my heroines (the girl version of "heroes"... not the kind you have to detox from. Although, truth be told, I may have to check myself into puppy rehab after this.)

Press Button, Get Bacon

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. Sue me. I've been busy with other super important-y things. And stuff. Aaaaaaaaanyhoo, Mom was berating me (okay, not so much berating me as emailing me and politely asking) about the lack of new topic-age, so here's something to placate her...

A picture of a hand dryer that looks like a bacon dispenser:

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it totally looks like bacon!

(Check out thesneeze.com if you never have.)

Um... what else...

LOST this season is so totally rocking my dome. I'm loving it like McDonald's.

Er... um...

OMG, it's Snuggles in his new sweater!

Don't judge. He actually likes wearing it!

That's all I got for now, sports fans. Back soon with more mind-blowing blog topics that will intrigue you, titillate you and possibly cause you to burp or have heartburn (worst case scenario.)

Dumbest Product Ideas Ever

May as well start the new year off with a little levity. Enjoy these little treasures gleaned from the outer reaches of the netherwebs. Just try not to go into convulsions.

• Banana Guard - The website states: "Bananas may go in your bag in perfect condition but most often they emerge looking like they've done fifteen rounds against a middle-weight boxer with a fruit problem. Fortunately for us, this problem was solved by a brilliant Canadian. Keeping nature's funky shape, size and colour, the designers have made a sturdy case. Be the envy of battered banana eaters everywhere when you pull this out from your bag. Features:
  *The Banana Guard is made from durable plastic with a sturdy locking mechanism
  *Small perforations to facilitate ventilation preventing premature ripening
  *Made in Canada"

Yes, only a dirty Canadian could come up with an idea this stupid.

P.S. Um... it's really creepy looking. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

• Flair Hair - visor with fake hair attached.

No. Just... no.

• Chest Hair Toupee - for those men who are still lacking that manly confidence, even after donning the aforementioned super-cool hairy visor.

Awww... it's heart-shaped!

• Secure Outdoor Cat Run - This is basically the hamster ball given a makeover. Its purpose? To torture your cat. You pretty much toss your cat into the Mesh Tunnel of Death and watch him frolick the day away, right? Probably not, but I bet you'll get some laughs out of watching Mr. Flufferkins trying to escape in a fit of kitty rage.

I love how the owner in this particular photo has placed a ball outside the thing, pretty much guaranteed to piss the cat off.

• Nose Aerobics - "The only sport you play on your face!" Rejected slogan: "Guaranteed to get you picked last in dodgeball!"

Get this. They're sold out. SOLD OUT, PEOPLE. What is this world coming to?

• Rejuvenique - Electrocution Mask of Terror. Basically you strap this thing on and it electrocutes your face... you know... to improve your complexion and stuff. It actually comes with what they call "toning gel" that must be put on all contact points. Um... hello? Sounds like the conducting gel they use on those shock paddle thingies at the hospital. Can you say "red flag"???

You, too, can look like Hannibal Lector, The Phantom of the Opera, or Jason from Friday the 13th. Take your pick! The possibilities are endless!