Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:
- For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
- Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
- Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
- A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
- The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
- The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
- Maybe this?
- The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
- The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
- The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
- Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
- That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
- A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
- A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
- Rasputin's beard.*
- Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
- A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
- A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.
Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.
So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.
*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.
