What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

• For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
  
  
• Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
  
  
• A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
  
  
• The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
  
  
• The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
  
  
• Maybe this?
  
  
  
  
• The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
  
  
• The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
  
  
• The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
  
  
  
  
• Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
  
  
• That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
  
  
  
• A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
  
  
• A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
  
  
  
• Rasputin's beard.*
  
  
  
  
• Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
  
  
  
  
• A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
  
  
  
• A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.

[CLOVER] Yes, we are HOTT. So what?

So, fun fact... Snugs and I were out walking our Mommy this week and not one, but TWO times, we got stopped by ridiculous peeps with an even more REE-DIK-YOO-LUSS query. No, dummies, we will not have sex with your doggies! Look, I know me and my little bro are super fine, as well as highly sought-after for photo shoots, not to mention all that and a bag of dog biscuits, BUT that doesn't give you the right to proposition us in the middle of da streetses! Ew. As if. We are NOT that kind of gal/guy. You, a random stranger, calling out, "-ey! Are those boys or girls? Cuz I got a girl pit and we're lookin' to breed her. You wanna breed yours?" is not going to get you far with our Mum. She is not pimping us out! Besides, we got no special partses left anyways.

Dummies.

Srsly.

*RME*

We only has eyes for each other

Martha Stewart Facts

I’m sure most of you have already heard all of the Chuck Norris Facts before. Some of my favorites include:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Sadly, it will never happen because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin; just another fist behind his beard.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

In addition, there are now other assorted and sundry "facts" to be enjoyed upon the internets, such as Michael Bay Facts:

Instead of working out, Michael Bay blows up houses and runs away from them in slow motion.

Michael Bay once made an explosion so big, it never went out. We now call it "The Sun".

Michael Bay once paid for his meal... in slow motion.

Michael Bay has 2 speeds: Slow Motion and On Fire.

Michael Bay dreams in CGI.

In light of these new developments in the fake fact-generating industry, I decided I should gather a list of facts for a more unlikely target: Martha Stewart.

Here we go...

Martha Stewart Facts

Martha Stewart does not organize her closets. She stares the clutter down until it sorts itself into perfectly categorized and labeled bins and baskets. Then she makes a soufflé to celebrate the victory.

Martha Stewart once roundhouse-kicked a rosebush in the face and it instantly turned into an orange tree.



Martha Stewart was not born. She constructed herself out of papier-mâché. Also, she is filled with candy. For the children.

Martha Stewart once fought off 70 ninjas with only a set of lemon madeleine-nunchucks. Then she served the nunchucks to guests at a dinner party with a lovely brown sugar and pear reduction.



Martha Stewart didn’t go to prison. The prison went to her.

Martha Stewart does not use non-stick spray to coat her bundt pan… she sweats into the pan. Also, her sweat smells like a lavender sachet. Also, she uses her sweat to make lavender sachets.

Martha Stewart once created a working radio using only a paper clip, a stick of Juicy Fruit Gum, and a dust bunny. No wait, that was MacGyver.



Martha Stewart once defused a bomb using only a doily, a single cupcake sprinkle, and a professional bomb squad. True story.

Martha Stewart crocheted a hole in order to escape prison. She held off the guards with a loaded hot glue gun for a short time but the authorities eventually caught her as she had unknowingly left a trail of glitter.




So... what Martha Stewart facts have you uncovered in your search for the truth?