What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

• For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
  
  
• Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
  
  
• A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
  
  
• The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
  
  
• The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
  
  
• Maybe this?
  
  
  
  
• The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
  
  
• The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
  
  
• The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
  
  
  
  
• Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
  
  
• That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
  
  
  
• A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
  
  
• A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
  
  
  
• Rasputin's beard.*
  
  
  
  
• Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
  
  
  
  
• A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
  
  
  
• A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.

Do it for them.

Georgia

Here is a partial list of the corporate sponsors for the Philadelphia Eagles:



Pepsi


Budweiser


Miller Lite


Heineken


Dunkin Donuts


Taco Bell


KFC


Papa John's


Lay's


Snapple

Jonny Justice

A complete list can be found here:


http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/corporatepartners.html

I, along with many others, have decided to boycott these companies until they drop their sponsorships. I have written letters to most of them letting them know I won't be supporting them and outlining, politely, my reasoning. A quick, easy and free way to write letters is via PlanetFeedback.com. They provide the addresses and mail the letters on your behalf... no stamps, no hassle. Feel free to follow suit. I know for me it will be a sacrifice to go without some of my favorite things, especially food, however, it is nothing compared to the sacrifice the dogs made.

Lucas

Mute Monday Topic: Secretariat

A free t-shirt. I can die now.

I took my dad to an NBA game last night. I didn't take Mom because she hates the squickety-squeak-squeak-SQUIIIIIIIIIICK noises the players' sneakers make on the court. My mom cracks me up. She has the strangest pet peeves. If you don't believe me see my post on the Top Ten Things that Creep Her Out. In addition, she hates those Charles Schwab commercials with the freakishly realistic cartoon people. She can't stand "Old Lady Perfume." And she is deathly afeared of spiders. That last one is really weird, I know. Oh, also wreaths on car grills at Christmas time really annoy her. Aaaaaaand she thinks Beyonce is "just a big ol' nuthin'" (she likes to point this out every single time she sees her on TV. Without fail.) My mom is so awesome.

So Dad and I went on a father-daughter outing to the Thunder/Jazz game. It was fantastic because my boss gave us his tickets to use, so we were on like the 7th row. By the way, do you guys know how tall NBA players are? They're really tall. And the court looks surprisingly small up close. But maybe that's just cuz of the tall players dwarfing everything else.

During timeouts the obligatory launching of free t-shirts via compressed air-gun would begin and people would start frantically waving their arms to catch the attention of the Powers That Be... Givin' Out T-Shirts. Which brings me to my point. Why. On earth. Do people freak out so much over a dang t-shirt? Seemingly normal adults turn into crazed maniacs, tackling small children and senior citizens in order to get their chance.

What. Is the big frikkin' deal? They're always like quintuple XL anyway. I mean, I suppose you could stuff a blanket into one and use it as a duvet cover on your guest bed. Or perhaps reupholster a couch. I dunno. I just DON'T get it. Maybe it's just me.