He is risen!

HAPPY EASTER!

What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

• For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
  
  
• Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
  
  
• A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
  
  
• The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
  
  
• The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
  
  
• Maybe this?
  
  
  
  
• The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
  
  
• The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
  
  
• The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
  
  
  
  
• Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
  
  
• That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
  
  
  
• A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
  
  
• A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
  
  
  
• Rasputin's beard.*
  
  
  
  
• Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
  
  
  
  
• A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
  
  
  
• A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

Two sizes-Regular and Hospital

Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.

And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)

Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"

Reminds me of these:

What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.

Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.

How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.

Happy Easter!

I Can Has Cheezburger

I Has a Hotdog

LOL Manuscripts!

LOL Manuscripts!

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Special Thanksgiving Edition

A Thanksgiving short story...

Gather 'round, kids, while I tell a story as old as the ages.

336 Thanksgivings ago a giant man ate all the pilgrims.

The End.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Here's hoping a giant dude doesn't eat you and yours this holiday.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Important Military Biscuit Campaign

After much cajoling from my tens of ones of fans, I have returned with more vintage ads... fresh out da oven and piping mad.

Come quickly, men. The biscuits, they are just around this bend. Courage, men!

I see them! I see the biscuits!

They can take our cookies. They can take our shortbread. Heck, even our scones! But they'll never take... our biscuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done, fellows. We procured the biscuits. Now let us have a celebratory smoke. Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

Just a reminder: be sure and purchase war bonds and biscuits to support our troops.

Top Ten Things I Collected as a Kid

I grew up in the 80's. It was a happy time to be a kid. We had great toys and the freedom to go outside and play without fear of the boogeyman. Here are some of the things I collected when I was little:

Lightning bugs

Photo credit: Jamie Harmon, uberphoto.com

Troll dolls

Lisa Frank stickers

Clover flowers to make daisy chains

Friendship pins

Barbies

Those plastic charm necklaces with the whistle, roller skate, baby bottle, abacus, etc.

Jelly bracelets

Cool rocks

Candy

(I literally collected it. I had a makeup case full of my favorite candy. But much of the time I refused to eat it. Why? Because then I wouldn’t have it any longer. To eat.)

What did you collect when you were little? What generation do you think had the best childhood?

Mute Monday Topic: Spirits