More Questionable Decor

Come on, you know you wanna do this to your house.

Honey, I know you want to mount your latest kill on the wall, but can't we compromise and just put one antler on the coffee table? Fair enough?

Yes, I know what you're thinking: I've always wanted a chair that allowed me to poop without having to get up from my seat and walk into the actual bathroom. Well then you need...

The Poop Chair (patent pending)

"With convenient poop hole in the back."

Poop Chair 2000: for those with more contemporary taste in poop chairs.

I know what you're thinking: I've always wanted a footstool that looked like a clove of garlic with the top chopped off. Today is your lucky day, my friend.

In the wild, baby tables huddle underneath the mommy table for warmth and protection.

What's that? You say you don't need a soap dish? Well, how about a button dish? Surely you need a button dish.

Button Dish (patent denied)

"For all your button dish needs."

Shriveled Egyptian mummies make a whimsical statement in this otherwise stark room. Now, let's talk about what shrunken heads can do for your kitchen...

Model Behavior

I love the way models pose in catalogs. It's always so... natural.

Yes, Officer. I understand that I've been placed under arrest for "Modeling While Under the Influence of an Ugly Mauve Shirt Tunic Thing", and yes, I understand my rights as you've read them to me.

They told me these beads were made of shell, so I'm listening to see if I can hear the ocean.

This bag is so large I can hardly hold it up.

I really need to pee. Can I be excused from the photo shoot?

I've got an itch right... about... here.

Really? Cuz I've got one right back here. We should totally start a club!

I hate you.

Just kidding, lol!

I have scoliosis.

Questionable Decorating

Real people that don't live inside catalogs don't decorate like this. But wouldn't it be fun if they did???

Oh, dear. How are we ever going to camouflage this Airstream camper?

Wait! I've got it!

Perfect. Now no one will ever notice it...

Oh, honey, don't mind that huge crack in the wall. We can always hide under this gigantic pile of pillows if chunks of plaster start to fall off.

"F" stands for what. The FRICK.

Thisroomhassomuchgoingonmyhedmayasplode.

Oh, I forgot. This picture comes from the pages of the newest Hoarders Room Decor catalog.

Oh my stars. It's the Enchanted Forest of the Wrinkled Duvet Covers. Praise be.

My dearest darling,

I am writing this letter to tell you how intoxicating your love is. It is much like a summer breeze gently caressing the branches of a stooped willow tree. It is not at all unlike the way that one guy loved that one chick in The Notebook. Some might say our love is akin to a rushing flood and the world is a tiny beaver dam that the flood of our love is bursting through like so many twigs. O this love, I cannot contain - oh drat. I've gone and written on my bedsheets again. I've really got to stop writing love letters while I'm on Tylenol PM.

The matching gigantic boulder nightstand, dresser, and highboy really create a sense of harmony in this space. It was a good choice to move the bed into the shade, though, so as to avoid pesky afternoon nap sunburn. Now if you'll excuse me, the sun is setting, so I shall turn on my 14 bedside lamps and read for a bit.

More questionable decorating to come...

Snow Blizzard Ice Calamity of 2011

Take the snow, for example. Please.

As this crazy weather has gone on, we’ve begun to hear new weather terms on the news, which I suspect are just made up. A couple of them being “Thunder Sleet” and “Ground Blizzard”. Totally not real. So, being the helpful and awesome person that I am, here are some other dastardly weather phenomena you probably haven’t heard of, but might want to watch out for:

Slush Earthquakes

Hail Flurries

Snow Tornados

Icicle Storms

Snowdrift Tidal Waves

Cumulonimb-slush Clouds

Rainflakes

I'm sure there are other new weather thingies that could pose a threat; I just haven't made them up yet.

Two feet of snow

The other interesting thing that has developed is the media’s insistence that simply “The Blizzard and Snow and Such that is Currently Happening Here but Also Other Places” apparently doesn’t cut the mayo as a name for the blizzard and snow and such that is currently happening here but also other places, so they’ve taken to nicknaming the thing in order to give it a nicer or more menacing ring. For example, The Great Blizzard of 2011 or The Blizzard of the Century or The Blizzard of the New Millennium. My favorite from one of the local news stations is… wait for it… Winter Gone Wild! No, I'm not kidding. I guess the storm wasn’t satisfied with the destruction it has already caused, so now in an effort to get more attention, it has gotten with its college sorority sisters and allowed pervy men to video it and put the DVD’s on the internet. Have you no shame, Blizzard?

Some of the funnier names I’ve heard non-news people come up with include Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and my favorite, Snowlonoscopy. Inspired, I came up with a few of my own:

Catast-snow-phe

Freezing Reign (of Terror)

Snow Day Melee

Ice Crisis

Winter Massacre

Plague of Precipitation

Dev-ice-station

Bobcat-aclysm

Curse of the Flurries

De-snow shovel-bacle

Icicle-bacle

Frozen Pipes of Doom

The Great Drift Disaster

State of Emergensleet

Salt Truck Havoc

The Scourge of the Dripping Faucets

Fiasc-snow

Bane of the Tire Chains

Snow Woes

Blight of the Unique Snowflakes


Got any to add?

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

It's time for the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of vacuum cleaners, whirlpools, black holes, straws, siphons, and Nickelback.

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You guys suck.

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The end.

"Giantest Nom Ever" Caption Contest Winners

First of all, my apologies for the long blog hiatus. I'm sure you've all cried buckets of tears over my absence and the vacuous vacuumy vacuum it no doubt caused. My bad.

Anyhoo, here is the long overdue winner of the "Giantest Nom Ever" caption contest...

Winner: Nan-Nan, with, "AAAccckkk!!! Thank GOD for the HEIMLICH MANEUVER!!!!"

And Runner-Up: Eric, with, "Bill Johnson discovers X-TREME SPELUNKING."

Caption This Thursday: Giantest Nom Ever

Top Ten Things I Collected as a Kid

I grew up in the 80's. It was a happy time to be a kid. We had great toys and the freedom to go outside and play without fear of the boogeyman. Here are some of the things I collected when I was little:

Lightning bugs

Photo credit: Jamie Harmon, uberphoto.com

Troll dolls

Lisa Frank stickers

Clover flowers to make daisy chains

Friendship pins

Barbies

Those plastic charm necklaces with the whistle, roller skate, baby bottle, abacus, etc.

Jelly bracelets

Cool rocks

Candy

(I literally collected it. I had a makeup case full of my favorite candy. But much of the time I refused to eat it. Why? Because then I wouldn’t have it any longer. To eat.)

What did you collect when you were little? What generation do you think had the best childhood?

Appreciating teh Simple Things in Life

I like to stop and smells dah cloverz sumtyms.

Life is sooooooooo byootiful. Speshully when I get to run around all nekkid-like in dah back yard after my baff. Baffs are not byootiful, however.

[Other contributer note: Dang it! Why didn't this show up as a Snuggles post? He posted it, not me! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... annoying!]

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.

All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

Beach update: yep, as anticipated, it's awesome here. We've been pigging out on gelato, sweet tea, seafood (not me, ick!), chocolate, fruity drinks and ice cream.

And I miss Snuggles like the deserts miss the rain. It's the first time I've been away from him for more than 8 hours or so. :o(

He did send me a text this morning, though. It said eiakkd;gjabdukjgficnmke. Cuz his paws are really big.

Yea for cool, rad and awesome mammatus clouds!

I walked out of my house last night and saw this:

They're called mammatus clouds and they're my favorite and also fairly rare. Read more about them here.