The Open Letters Blog

Almost two years ago, some other bloggers and I decided to start a blog together where we could post all of our open letters. We've decided to open it up for submissions and if your letter is good enough, we might post it on The Open Letters Blog. Head on over to today's post to read more.

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of...

... Wiener Dogs!

Look at you, wiener dogs. You're so short. Yet so long at the same time. How does that even work? What's the deal with those tiny legs? Did someone chop them OFF while you're weren't looking? Pay a little more attention, wiener dogs. I mean, really.

You're so little but you think you're big and brave. For crap's sake, you fight badgers! Haven't you heard? Dooooooood... those things are, just totally... mean, evil little critters!

Why would you go up against these guys, huh? Come on. You have nothing to prove, wiener dogs. So quit showing off, srsly.

And what's with this nonsense? You dress up in ridiculous Mexican outfits? Tiny hats? What did I say about showing off?

Oh, hardy-har-har. A hotdog bun bed. How ironic and adorable. NOT!*

*Except it totally, totally is.

My little buddy, Deuce. Yep, my mom totally made that bun-bed up there.

Visit Carmen's blog for other weenie hijinks.

The Deveel... he hath taken my soul.

Well, friends. I finally caved. I'm on Facebook. *hangs head in shame*

Since the inception of FB I have literally loathed it and swore I would never EVER join. I was known to regularly refer to MySpace and FB as "the devil". Then again, I used to think blogging was weird and Twitter was stupid. So there you go. I'm so evolved!

Anyhoo, you are all in luck because you can now be my friend on Facebook! OMG.

I fully expect you all to be throwing sheeps at me in short order.

Search heathercherryseaton

Check out the Clothing Swap Blog!

If you've never been over to check out my other OTHER blog, run by my buddy Moi and me, please come over and see what you've been missing. Here's some of the latest offerings up for swap:

And here's some swaps you already missed out on...

SWAPPED!:

Come on over and have a look-see...

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.

All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

Vintage Advertisements: Inappropriate Juice Drinks Edition

Here are some not-to-be-believed juice drink mixes from Pillbury's old line of Funny-Face Drinks.

I mean, wow. There's just not much to say here. Why does the Chinese Cherry have a bow on her single "hair"-stem? Are they supposed to be leaves? And what's up with the snaggleteeth? My favorite things on Injun Orange are his war paint and the little navel butt-chin.

Wisely, Pillbury eventually came out with new flavor names to replace these two and came up with Jolly Olly Orange and Choo-Choo Cherry.

Come on! That's terrible! Making fun of jolly people and trains?! Awful! And what about Loud-Mouth Lemon and Rootin'-Tootin' Rasberry? Some people just cannot control THE VOLUME OF THEIR VOICE! and others have embarrassing gas problems. They can't help it! Or Lefty Lemon? He was BORN that way! UGH! And I know my mom won't appreciate Freckle Face Strawberry, considering that she is entirely befrecked and also a natural strawberry blonde. I'm so disappointed in you, Pillsbury! What's next, huh? Um... like... "People Who Can Curl Their Tongues Tamarind"? "Pocked-Marked Pumelo?"

Thanks to Juicy Jules for the find!

Another New Blog

Okay, so disclaimer: I never thought I'd be one of those people with 23 different blogs.

Disclaimer over. I have another new blog! Check out The Clothing Swap Blog. My fashionably fabulous friend Moi over at Bite the Apple suggested the idea and we figured, hey, what the heck. Why not do it together?

It's a great place to score fun FREE items like this pair of vintage rhinestone cat-eye glasses:

Or these peep-toe leopard shoes:

So hop on over... check it out! And rummage through your closets at home for some gems that might need a new home.

Check out the new blog!

I have a new blog along with some of my funniest and favoritest blogger friends. Julia D. from Homemade Hilarity (credit is due her for coming up with the idea), Shawn from The Shark Tank, Brooke from Brooke Amanda, and I (from HERE!) have decided to post all of our Open Letters to a new joint blog, The Open Letters Blog. So go check it out! Don't delay! This offer won't last long! Operators are standing by!

But wait! If you act now you will also get a free tube of Mighty Mend-It and a lifetime supply of Sham-Wows!

My newest Open Letter, "An Open Letter to Rod Stewart" is there.

Don't miss out on the funny from some seriously funny people.

An Open Letter to Nickelback

An Open Letter to Nickelback



Dear Nickelback:

Please do us all a favor and stopping making what doesn't even bear a passing resemblance to music. No, seriously.

With greatest appreciation,

Everyone in the World

NOTE: Funny story... I had this post in my drafts and just hadn't posted it yet when I came across another blogger's Open Letter to Nickelback! Check out Shawn's awesome version at The Shark Tank.

Vote for Me at Humor Blogs!

River's Sister, Emma

This is Liz's other baby girl, Emma.

Here's Emma's story, too...

From Liz:

I have been a lifelong dog owner, and after I married my husband, we lived in apartments that were too tiny to keep a dog of the size I wanted. Finally, in 2003 we moved to a house with a yard. I had been doing research on dog breeds for 5 years, and had come to the conclusion that I wanted an American Pit Bull Terrier. Their wonderful personalities, which combine equal parts nobility and goofiness, attracted me, as well as their "underdog" plight and the fact that they're so commonly misunderstood and misrepresented. I found out that a local dog trainer was also a very responsible pit bull breeder, and I contacted her to see if she had any adult dogs. She introduced me to Emma, the finest dog and most loving canine companion I've ever known. Emma was adopted out as a purebreed puppy from show stock, but was abused in her first placement, having been confined to a puppy-sized crate almost exclusively for the first 6 months of her life. When the breeder found out about the owner's irresponsibility, she took Emma back and rehabilitated her. Emma had rampant skin infections from lying in her own excrement and urine, and was bloody from elbows to paws after trying to dig out of her crate. Emma was nearly 2 when I adopted her, and she's been my constant companion ever since. She embodies all the best of the APBT: loyalty, gentleness, playfulness and a capacity for love that humbles everyone she meets. She transformed my husband, who had been attacked by a dog (German Shepherd) when he was a child, into a lifelong dog lover.

Mute Monday Topic: Outrage

[Warning: Graphic Images]

River's Story

Tomorrow's Mute Monday post, the subject of which is "Outrage," will feature photos of my friend Liz's pit bull, River. I wanted to give you her story and the happy ending complete with pictures before I post the "mute" portion. You'll see why. Tomorrow's photos will likely render you speechless, apropos of Mute Monday, and I promise you that you'll want to know there was a happily ever after. So here goes...

From Liz:

My husband and I were looking for another dog in early 2006 when we stumbled upon River's story. We had been the proud and happy owners of Emma, a rescued American Pit Bull Terrier, for nearly 3 years, and had grown to love the "Pibble" personality: equal parts goofball and steadfast friend and companion. Emma loves other dogs, and has no dog-aggressiveness, so we wanted another APBT.

I was cruising PetFinder.com when I saw a listing for a dog at a nearby shelter who had "special needs." My husband is an ordained minister, and I'm a clinical social worker who frequently works with "special needs" people, so I wondered what a "special needs" dog would be. I clicked on her profile and saw the photos of River, taken when she was first rescued in June 2005.

River was found chained to a street sign in Wilmington, North Carolina. She had been doused with gasoline or another accelerant and set on fire. When the good Samaritan who found her brought her to the animal hospital, she was a bloody mess, missing most of the fur and skin from her face and one side of her body. She was underweight and terrified, but showed no aggressiveness to the staff who tended her painful injuries. The Norman P. Wiggle Home for Wayward Dogs, a privately-owned no-kill shelter in the area, raised funds to pay for the surgeries River needed. After one eye was removed and her wounds healed sufficiently, River was sent to her temporary home. There she was re-socialized and given basic obedience and housetraining.

River's first two home placements didn't work out—she's a skilled escape artist, and can easily jump 4-foot fences. As soon as I read her story, I spoke with my husband, and Adrian and I scheduled an appointment to meet River. After socializing with our other dog, Emma, ensuring that they got on well with no dominance struggles, River came home with us.

River and Emma bring joy to the lives of everyone they meet. They have both completed beginning and intermediate obedience courses; my husband and I believe it is essential that River and Emma be good ambassadors of their breed. River shows a special intuitiveness toward people: when my husband and I return from a long day of emotionally exhausting work, she rests her head on our legs and gives us that one-eyed look that just melts us. "You're not alone," she seems to say; "I love you, and we're going to be okay." In my work with survivors of abuse and neglect, I use River's story to illustrate that our success in the painful process of working our way through woundedness lies in our ability to continue loving ourselves and others despite our pain. River's unconditional and enthusiastic acceptance of every new person and experience is the best testimony to the true nature of the American Pit Bull Terrier: no abuse, no matter how horrific, has the power to destroy their ability to love.

Please note: Tomorrow's post will have a graphic image warning. If you are squeamish, proceed with caution.

What I'm NOT Buying This Weekend

Margo, over at Life in the Short Lane, came up with a great idea for those of us for whom shopping is a dangerous and tantalizing drug. It's a way to save money while sort of living vicariously through your computer. At first I thought it might be kinda fun but I didn't imagine it would placate my cravings the way it has and become total retail therapy. It really is fun! Try it! OMG just do it. Totally, like. And stuff.

So here goes for my first installment...

(Click to make the pictures bigger. Thanks to Shawn, I think I've finally figured out how to format them that way.)

Outfit No. 1

Outfit No. 2

There... I feel better now.

(A little.)

My Quartet

Three of my friends and I formed a quartet last year. This was our first time to sing together as a group. The entire song is a cappella.

We are learning a new song now and will be singing it this Palm Sunday.

Happy Birthday, Emma!

These are for you!

I has awardz!

I guess I'm pretty cool cuz I was just given not one but two awards by fellow bloggers, both of whom are freakin' fabulous themselves!

First off, Jules gave me her Homemade Hilarity Seal of Awesomeness Award. Look at this thing. Not only does it have a hand going all, like, "OK" but more importantly it has a rainbow AND a unicorn on it. I mean. Just. Wow!

And then Obladi gave me this lemonade stand thingie, which I guess means... I'm really good at peddling beverages on the side of the road? YEA FOR ME!

The instructions for the lemonade stand award are now as follows:

1. Copy the above logo and put it on blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs that show attitude and/or gratitude (those who add sweetness to life and/or inspire you by making lemonade.)
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on a post.
5. Nominate your favorites and link to this blog.

So, without further ado, here are some of my favoritest bloggies, most of which lean more towards the "attitude" side:

• The Shark Tank: Shawn is so funny he makes me want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. Plus, he likes to write "open letters", too.


• Kitchen Retro and The Virtual Dime Museum: Lidian is a kindred spirit who shares my affinity for vintage ads and ephemera.


• Homemade Hilarity: Aforementioned Julia D. posts horrible crapfts for all to enjoy. And by "enjoy" I mean make fun of.


• Effew Penguin: Fair warning for anyone easily offended by strong language. Indeed, there is a "curse word" right there in the name of the blog. But if you can get past all that, this blog will make you lawl. With the ridiculous concept of telling off cute animals for being so cute, it doesn't get much funnier or ridiculous... er.


• Bite the Apple: Moi's snarky fashion critiques and bully breed advocacy make her one of my faves.


• Jake & Christy: You know I gotta plug my brother and his wife's blog, right?


• J.B. vs. Stuff 3000: Funny stuff.


• BAD RAP Blog and Vick Dog Blog: Pibble rescue involved in a lot of high-profile busts, including the Vick dogs. The Vicktory Dogs themselves blog about their new lives on the VDB.


• Ideas from the Edge: My friend Conan the Barbie is one of the funniest people I know and she's a fantastic writer, too.


• The Troll Report: Chef Troll decides on a theme each week for Mute Monday.

I'd really like to thank all of the little people along the way that made these awards possible. And I'd like to thank the Academy. Wait! Don't play the music yet! I still have people to thank...

For Obladi and Carmen

This post is for a friend and fellow dachshund enthusiast who blogs over at "From 0 to 3 in 90 days" and at "Carmen-Wiener Princess." So if you're not her, you can feel free to bypass this. Then again, if you like doxies, then let me introduce you to my parents' weenie dog Deuce. He's a bit rotund and quite loveable and squeezable and squishable and soft.

This is him when he was a tiny bitty baby.

This is his hotdog bun bed. My mom made it for him!

And here he is, doing what he does best. Basking in a rectangle of window sunshine.

Rachele and Snuggles Sittin' in a Tree...

Those who know me well know I lost my heart in Perú last summer on a mission trip. I brought home a new outlook on life, unforgettable experiences and lifelong friends. My best friend from Lima, Rachele, came to visit a couple weeks ago. She stayed in my ridiculous pink guest room and we had the best time.

Rach

(A.K.A. Rachele Alesandra Franchini Cueva)

Here we are, sitting on the giant shoe at City Bites. You know... the giant shoe that has a sign on it that basically says, "Don't Sit on the Giant Shoe!" Not to worry, the guy working there said it was okay. Probably because Rachele was hot and had a cute accent. :o) Just guessing. BTW, the only thing cooler than regular-sized Chuck Taylors is a giant Chuck. And the only thing cooler than a giant Chuck is a giant Peanut Butter Swirl cookie from City Bites. But only because it can be eaten and a giant Chuck cannot. Well, I suppose it could but, um... ew.

Peruvians are some of the most loving and genuinely dear people I've ever had the pleasure of being around. While Rachele is like a sister to me, I have not yet been able to meet her family. Still, they sent with her the most lovely gifts for our family. I can't wait to meet them in person because I already love them. If you want to learn the true meaning of AGAPE love (I've got that on the brain since it was the topic of yesterday's sermon), go to Perú. What I see in Rachele and the other peruanos I met last summer is what Jesus talks about when He says to come to Him like a little child. In these precious, precious people I see such a childlike wonder and innocence. It's almost too hard to describe what I mean by that. But those who got to meet Rach while she was here--my family--and friends, can attest to it.

At the Melting Pot

One really cool thing that I got to witness while Rach was here was her warming to Snuggles. If you can even believe it, "pit bulls" have an even worse reputation in Perú than they do in the U.S. Hard to imagine, I know. When Rach first arrived I'm pretty sure she was scared of Snuggles. I could see it in her body language. He would jump up to greet her (I know - I'm still working on that with him) and she would go completely rigid, turn away and sort duck away from him. And when I told her he was a pit bull, she was astonished. And a little freaked out, I think. She said, "I can't wait to tell all my friends at home that I was around an actual pit bull!" When she told a friend at home that she was staying with a pit bull, he said, "I'm scared! He's gonna eat me!" I hated that Rachele was nervous around Snugs and I was hoping against hope that he could prove himself to her and show her what "pit bulls" are really like.

Well, I got my wish and Snuggles got a new BFF! By the end of the week, Snuggles was cuddling up next to or on top off Rach all the time. She got a cold while she was visiting and napped a lot on the couch. She told me that Snuggles could tell she didn't feel well and that he laid down with her and took care of her while I was at work. He even started to obey her commands in Spanish! It was adorable.

Here are some pictures of my best buddies, shortly before Rachele's departure from OKC.

The night before Rachele's flight was to take off for Lima, I was hanging out in her room while she packed her things. It was then that I witnessed the most precious, adorable, REDONK thing ever! Snuggles brought in his squeaky bone. He gently placed it into her suitcase. He nosed it into the middle and left it there. He left the room. He came back with his sheep. He put his sheep in the suitcase. He left and returned again, this time with his froggy. He put the froggy in the suitcase. One at a time, he brought in his favorite toys and left them in Rachele's suitcase. I was just in awe of the whole thing. I regret so much not getting it on video! But I was just so caught up watching him play out this cute little drama that I didn't even think of it until he was finished.

Mr. Pouty McPouterson

The day Rachele got home she sent me an email asking me to tell everyone how much she enjoyed the visit, how much she loves them all and how much she will miss them. Then she specifically asked me to give many "besos y cariños" to Snuggles (love and kisses). She said she missed him so much she wanted to cry. She has posted her pictures with him on her Facebook saying how she loves him and misses him so very much and talks about how he is the most caring and loving pit bull in all of existence!

I can't say I'm surprised Mr. WigglyPants won yet another person over.

I had a friend mention this weekend, "Hey, did you know that some people want to like, ban pit bulls or something? Like, they want to pass laws against them and stuff. Crazy, huh?"

Yep... yep, it is...

P.D. A mi hermanita, Rachele... muchos besitos y abrazos de Snuggles y de mí. Te extraño muchísimo, Sis.