An Open Letter to My Dogs

An Open Letter to My Dogs

Dear Snuggles and Clover:

Good gravy, what in the world did you two eat? Are you even aware that your farts can penetrate Kevlar? The next time I need to sandblast something I'll just bottle some of your abominable flatulence. You have a permanent fog hovering around you like Pigpen from Peanuts. I no longer have any nose hair. Your farts can peel varnish and dissolve acid. True story, I once saw a pit bull fart make Chuck Norris cry. The smell is so bad my eyes are watering and my nose is running. And by "my nose is running" I mean, like, my nose literally jumped off my face and ran away in fear and revulsion. It went into the Witness Protection Program and now I'll never find it. The fallout is truly heinous. The blast radius is the width of a city block. I now have a new theory for what killed off the dinosaurs.

With nothing but love for you (but not your gas),

Heather

Our bad.

What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

• For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
  
  
• Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
  
  
• A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
  
  
• The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
  
  
• The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
  
  
• Maybe this?
  
  
  
  
• The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
  
  
• The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
  
  
• The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
  
  
  
  
• Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
  
  
• That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
  
  
  
• A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
  
  
• A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
  
  
  
• Rasputin's beard.*
  
  
  
  
• Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
  
  
  
  
• A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
  
  
  
• A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.

Retch-tables

As I mentioned a while back, my parents are staying with me whilst they build a new house. Now, I have to say... when it comes to all things foul-smelling, I thought pit bull farts were bad, but my friends, there is something much worse and far more nefarious, I must tell you. Mom and Dad eat a TON of vegetables. Like, vegetables coming out of their ears. In particular, beans, broccoli, and cauliflower. You may be thinking that I'm going somewhere else with this - maybe that parental farts are worse than pit bull farts. But thankfully, that's not the problem since they take Beano like it's their job.

Some slogans Beano rejected...

Beano: "So you don't smell like you pooped your pants."

Beano: "Ew, you're nasty."

The problem is the veggies themselves. Mom is constantly cooking some abominable smelling retch-tables in my kitchen, which then stink up the whole house. If rotten eggs had armpits and didn't wear deodorant, this is what it would smell like. It's like a diarrhea factory on fire. It's what it would smell like if poop had a bowel movement*. The worst of the lot is the batches of exceptionally malodorous kraut, broccoli, and cauliflower that Mom cooks to smithereens. And in particular, Cauliflower was my enemy numero uno until a new smelly veg moved in last week. I submit to you... the Brussels sprout. Mom has started roasting these things, or frying them, or just torturing them to death, or something. I don't know, whatever. The point is, the stench is so horrifyingly putrid. It's like a rotten cauliflower crawled up a Brussels sprout's butt and died. But before any of that happened, 43 pit bulls farted on a skunk and then the skunk got hit by the smelliest garbage truck in the world, which was incidentally being driven by hippies. The skunk unfortunately got stuck to the tire of the garbage truck like a piece of old chewing gum. Then the truck proceeded to drive into the cauliflower's butt. Really just a chain reaction of unfortunate, stinky events.

I think this may qualify as child abuse. Does anyone know of a hotline I can call or something?

*EDITOR'S NOTE: My brother, Jake, insisted on me giving him credit for this one since he came up with it. I don't mind doing that. He got his sense of humor from me anyway.

Word Verification

Sorry, folks. I know typing in those stupid gibberish words are annoying as all crap, but I'm getting spammed left and right, so I've added it. Sue me!*

*Please don't sue me. I'm getting out of debt and I'm on a budget right now.

And I don't like spam!

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

Two sizes-Regular and Hospital

Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.

And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)

Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"

Reminds me of these:

What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.

Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.

How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Enjoy!

“My, my, Susan, but you sure can thread a needle like a pro!”

“Why thank you, Donna. You should see me handle a ninja throwing star.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Allow us to present this famous complexion authority. A baby holding a stuffed bunny. That’s right. Trust all your skin needs to this baby holding a stuffed bunny and you’ll never go wrong.

Yes, I feel exactly the same way about my vacuum cleaner as I do about the military man I’m pining away for. Forget the diamond, sweetie. When you come back from the war let’s celebrate by getting me that beautiful, big, sparkly Premier Vacuum I’ve always wanted!

In order to use Colman’s Self-Rising Flour, you must first arm yourself with a large shield, robe yourself in flag finery, grab the nearest curly-haired bull. Oh, and don’t forget the centurion helmet.

In this ad Wesson claims that their product is...

PURE
Okay, good. Pure is good.

DELICIOUS
I like delicious things.

VEGETABLE
Great. I need to eat more vegetables.

FAT
Wait, what?






“Everyone’s Choice”… particularly if you are a musketeer. Or a pirate. Or Inigo Montoya.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Important Military Biscuit Campaign

After much cajoling from my tens of ones of fans, I have returned with more vintage ads... fresh out da oven and piping mad.

Come quickly, men. The biscuits, they are just around this bend. Courage, men!

I see them! I see the biscuits!

They can take our cookies. They can take our shortbread. Heck, even our scones! But they'll never take... our biscuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done, fellows. We procured the biscuits. Now let us have a celebratory smoke. Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

Just a reminder: be sure and purchase war bonds and biscuits to support our troops.

Do it for them.

Georgia

Here is a partial list of the corporate sponsors for the Philadelphia Eagles:



Pepsi


Budweiser


Miller Lite


Heineken


Dunkin Donuts


Taco Bell


KFC


Papa John's


Lay's


Snapple

Jonny Justice

A complete list can be found here:


http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/corporatepartners.html

I, along with many others, have decided to boycott these companies until they drop their sponsorships. I have written letters to most of them letting them know I won't be supporting them and outlining, politely, my reasoning. A quick, easy and free way to write letters is via PlanetFeedback.com. They provide the addresses and mail the letters on your behalf... no stamps, no hassle. Feel free to follow suit. I know for me it will be a sacrifice to go without some of my favorite things, especially food, however, it is nothing compared to the sacrifice the dogs made.

Lucas

Welcome to the first edition of the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

Welcome to the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of... ROAST!

Look at you, roast, there in the oven. All... roasty and stuff. Just lying there, stewing in your own juices like some sort of disgusting creep. Covered in foil like some sixth-grader's science project. Keeping company with carrots and onions and potatoes. You should be hanging out with steaks and baby back ribs and cheeseburgers and stuff. Weirdo.

And you know what? Having said your name over and over now, it sounds and looks weird.

Roast.

Roast.

It's a weird word. Just look at it.

Roast.

Ugh. Gross.

And what? You couldn't come up with a better name for yourself? "Roast." It's like calling yourself "Grilled" or "Fried." Actually, that's assuming your name is Roast-ED. So really it's like calling yourself "Grill" or "Fry." Fries, heh.

Hey French Fries, what's YOUR deal?..........................

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Part I Dunno

New vintage ads for your enjoyment.

"What are the wild waves saying?"

They're saying, "Shells can't talk, dummy!"

I think I'd look surprised and all screamy if my nose disappeared, too!

I don't think I'd like to play "Uncle Wiggily" with this guy. Wait, lemme check... nope, don't wanna play.

I just love ads that use Hitler propaganda to make a point.

Pepsi will help you torture your cat with Christmas decor. Yay!

I want you to look at the sled kid's face and then just imagine with me: he ate bran flakes right before zipping up into that snowsuit.

"Ice Cream for Health"?! Now THIS is a campaign I can get behind. Somebody get me one o' those colorful rubber bracelets to wear. Get me 3 of 'em.

Bent Objects

Today I wanted to spotlight an artist that I just stumbled across recently. This guy Terry makes the most darling and kooky art out of found objects and wire and bits of things. Check his blog out and meantime, here are a few of my favorites from his collection:

Now tell me those weren't more fun than a pail of puppies? Trick question - NOTHING'S better than a pail of puppies.