Awesome Vintage Advertisements, The Insanity Continues

A brand spankin' new load of crazy.

Proceed with caution. Ur hed may asplode.

"Make Shell Lamps, Shell Jewelry and Novelties." You may also send for the following free instructional booklets in our series:

"The Art of Macrame: Owls, Plant-Holders and Other Assorted Crap Projects No One Will Ever Want, Ever"

"How to Sell Your Tacky Junk Art at Flea Markets and Garage Sales"

"The Joy of Puff-Painting"

"Become a Crazy Cat Lady in 9 Easy Steps"

[this ad is dedicated to Julia D. ]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. And that is all I have to say about that.






What kind of dumbass keeps a handy bottle of poison in the medicine chest, right next to the cough syrup?

"If a Jelly Fish Could Slap a Rat in the Face," it would probably majorly piss the rat off and the rat would retaliate by gnawing off one of the jellyfish's tentacles. And then the jellyfish would sting the rat's mouth. Then the rat would be all, "Kung-fu chop, sucka!" and the jellyfish would get him back by lighting his tail on fire. The the rat would dress up as a girl jellyfish in order to distract the rat so he could drop a safe on his head. It would probably devolve from there into an all out Itchy & Scratchy-esque bloodbath.

Wait, what were we trying to sell, again?

"No Risk of Any Kind" - other than the risk of being mistaken for the Pope and being expected to absolve sins and say stuff in Latin and other Pope-y things the Pope does.

Also, this Pope guy seems to have a second strange earlobe underneath his regular earlobe. Ew.

My eyes! MY EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYES!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Oh, the exsquisite revulsion.

I'll be okay. I promise. Just give me a few... lifetimes.

Vote for Me at Humor Blogs!

An Open Letter to LOST

An Open Letter to LOST

Dear Favoritest Show Ever:

It really isn't necessary for you to do a recap show every 3 weeks. Please air more actual episodes. Thanks in advance.

All my love,

Heather

Vote for Me at Humor Blogs!

Pet Ometer

I got a free pedometer at a health fair at work.

The instructions that came with said gizmo included the following bit of ridiculosity:

“NOTE: This is a mechanical device and requires no batterios.”

Made in China.

Shocking!

So… Batterios. Is that like Spaghettios? Or Cheerios?

I know I would love a big bowl of whole grain Batterios for breakfast.

Mmmmmmmmmm… metal-y.

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know


Dear Jerks:

As you can see from the email reprinted below, I’m gonna be rich, bee-yotches! I’ve already quit my job and I’m moving to Fiji! Catch all you suckas on the flip-flop!

In closing I would like to say... I am WAY too good for you. I really do mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Love always,

Heather

------------------------------------------------------------

From: DR MOSES AJIBADE (drmoses.ajibade@yahoo.com)

Sent: Wed 5:20 AM



Dear Friend,

I am using this opportunity to thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the Cheque out of the company to someone else who was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness you showed at the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $843,000,00 ( EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

I have authorized the finance house where I deposited my money to issue you international certified bank draft cash able at your bank. I do know you might be seeing the compensation as to small compared to the total sum pursued for but you just have to bear with it for the German doctor whom assisted in the fund transfer made a lot of expenses.

Meanwhile be inform that cost of shipment and the insurance coverage of certified cashier check are at your expenses which we have bargain with the courier company to make less expensive for you to be able to get your parcel without any form of delay.


You are to contact the financial controller of FIRST FINANCIAL BANK PLC via email or via phone which is below.

CONTACT Mr ADETUNJI PETERS WITH YOUR PRESENT INFORMATIONS IF DIFFRENT FROM THE OTHER SO HE CAN ATTEND TO YOU ASAP.
BELOW ARE HIS CONTACT INFO.

TELEPHONE NUMBER: +234-70-23192278
EMAIL:adetunjipeters@gmail.com

At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which myself and my new partner are having at hand.
Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart.

Contact Mr ADETUNJI PETERS now .
Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Best Regards
DR MOSES AJIBADE



*******************************

Vote for Me at Humor Blogs!

Top Ten Failed Ideas for New Television Series

You may remember that there was a writers’ strike last year, which crippled the entertainment industry for months. As a result, many less-than-stellar new shows were considered for pilots. Here’s the short list of those that didn’t quite make the cut.

Top Ten Failed Ideas for New Television Series:

• Saved By the Bell: The Retirement Home Years
  
  
• Hell’s Angels’ Kitchen - Burly bikers display their softer sides by showing off their cookin' skillz.

• From the talented Animal Planet wildlife videographers that brought you Meerkat Manor, Orangutan Island, and Dark Days in Monkey City, keep an eye out for Sea Monkey City and the forthcoming spin-off series Ant Farm .
  
  

• And from the fine folks that brought you Date My Mom, and Who Wants to Marry My Dad?, tune in to Aunt Farm.
  
  
• Catch TLC's new hit decorating show... Trading Double Wides!

• New from Reality Show giant Mark Burnett: Survivor of Temptation Island’s Great Amazing Sack Race; a reality-show extravaganza where couples break up, eat bugs and compete in silly games like “Don’t Drop the Egg”, “Pass the Orange” and “3-Legged Races” with other potential suitors.

• Law and Order: Horse Cop Edition - No, it's not about the mounted police officers. It’s about the horses themselves and the crrrrrazy high jinx they get into.
  

• Also, with the recent popularity of mall cop movies, watch for Law and Order: Security Guard Unit.
  
  
• The OC - Stands for "The Oklahoma City". Follow bratty, privileged reservation teenagers from the 5 civilized tribes.
  
  

• Pimp My Walker - Senior citizens will love this new program, airing immediately between syndicated reruns of Matlock and Murder: She Wrote. Also briefly considered... Pimp My Hoveround.

Vote for Me at Humor Blogs!

River's Sister, Emma

This is Liz's other baby girl, Emma.

Here's Emma's story, too...

From Liz:

I have been a lifelong dog owner, and after I married my husband, we lived in apartments that were too tiny to keep a dog of the size I wanted. Finally, in 2003 we moved to a house with a yard. I had been doing research on dog breeds for 5 years, and had come to the conclusion that I wanted an American Pit Bull Terrier. Their wonderful personalities, which combine equal parts nobility and goofiness, attracted me, as well as their "underdog" plight and the fact that they're so commonly misunderstood and misrepresented. I found out that a local dog trainer was also a very responsible pit bull breeder, and I contacted her to see if she had any adult dogs. She introduced me to Emma, the finest dog and most loving canine companion I've ever known. Emma was adopted out as a purebreed puppy from show stock, but was abused in her first placement, having been confined to a puppy-sized crate almost exclusively for the first 6 months of her life. When the breeder found out about the owner's irresponsibility, she took Emma back and rehabilitated her. Emma had rampant skin infections from lying in her own excrement and urine, and was bloody from elbows to paws after trying to dig out of her crate. Emma was nearly 2 when I adopted her, and she's been my constant companion ever since. She embodies all the best of the APBT: loyalty, gentleness, playfulness and a capacity for love that humbles everyone she meets. She transformed my husband, who had been attacked by a dog (German Shepherd) when he was a child, into a lifelong dog lover.

Mute Monday Topic: Outrage

[Warning: Graphic Images]

River's Story

Tomorrow's Mute Monday post, the subject of which is "Outrage," will feature photos of my friend Liz's pit bull, River. I wanted to give you her story and the happy ending complete with pictures before I post the "mute" portion. You'll see why. Tomorrow's photos will likely render you speechless, apropos of Mute Monday, and I promise you that you'll want to know there was a happily ever after. So here goes...

From Liz:

My husband and I were looking for another dog in early 2006 when we stumbled upon River's story. We had been the proud and happy owners of Emma, a rescued American Pit Bull Terrier, for nearly 3 years, and had grown to love the "Pibble" personality: equal parts goofball and steadfast friend and companion. Emma loves other dogs, and has no dog-aggressiveness, so we wanted another APBT.

I was cruising PetFinder.com when I saw a listing for a dog at a nearby shelter who had "special needs." My husband is an ordained minister, and I'm a clinical social worker who frequently works with "special needs" people, so I wondered what a "special needs" dog would be. I clicked on her profile and saw the photos of River, taken when she was first rescued in June 2005.

River was found chained to a street sign in Wilmington, North Carolina. She had been doused with gasoline or another accelerant and set on fire. When the good Samaritan who found her brought her to the animal hospital, she was a bloody mess, missing most of the fur and skin from her face and one side of her body. She was underweight and terrified, but showed no aggressiveness to the staff who tended her painful injuries. The Norman P. Wiggle Home for Wayward Dogs, a privately-owned no-kill shelter in the area, raised funds to pay for the surgeries River needed. After one eye was removed and her wounds healed sufficiently, River was sent to her temporary home. There she was re-socialized and given basic obedience and housetraining.

River's first two home placements didn't work out—she's a skilled escape artist, and can easily jump 4-foot fences. As soon as I read her story, I spoke with my husband, and Adrian and I scheduled an appointment to meet River. After socializing with our other dog, Emma, ensuring that they got on well with no dominance struggles, River came home with us.

River and Emma bring joy to the lives of everyone they meet. They have both completed beginning and intermediate obedience courses; my husband and I believe it is essential that River and Emma be good ambassadors of their breed. River shows a special intuitiveness toward people: when my husband and I return from a long day of emotionally exhausting work, she rests her head on our legs and gives us that one-eyed look that just melts us. "You're not alone," she seems to say; "I love you, and we're going to be okay." In my work with survivors of abuse and neglect, I use River's story to illustrate that our success in the painful process of working our way through woundedness lies in our ability to continue loving ourselves and others despite our pain. River's unconditional and enthusiastic acceptance of every new person and experience is the best testimony to the true nature of the American Pit Bull Terrier: no abuse, no matter how horrific, has the power to destroy their ability to love.

Please note: Tomorrow's post will have a graphic image warning. If you are squeamish, proceed with caution.

Got my puppy fix... *sigh*

I helped with a rescue transport this weekend. That's where an adoptable dog or group of dogs makes their way across the country from a high-kill shelter to a rescue or forever home by means of a not-so-underground doggie railroad of sorts. One person drives a leg of the route, hands the dogs off to the next and so on. Since I drive the World's Smallest Car Ever TM and, therefore, can't transport crates, I try to help out with overnights as much as possible. So I had 3 extra pibble kids stay with me last night. They arrived after 10 p.m. and then left for Minnesota this morning around 9 a.m.

One of them, Heidi, was only about 4 months old and so shy and fearful. She was so sweet and it made me sad to see that at some point humans have done something to make her so afraid of them. As soon as I put her on the ground to potty, she just cowered. So I plopped myself down on the grass next to her and just gave her some time to get used to me. Eventually she was crawling into my lap and climbing up my chest to give me kisses on my mouf. Sadly, I had a cold and couldn't smell anything so I didn't get to partake in the sniffing of puppy breath. :o( But all in all it was a rewarding 12 hours and I was sad to see the babies go but excited for them to go to their new homes.

Yea for rescue! And yea for MARS. They rule.

What I'm NOT Buying This Weekend

Margo, over at Life in the Short Lane, came up with a great idea for those of us for whom shopping is a dangerous and tantalizing drug. It's a way to save money while sort of living vicariously through your computer. At first I thought it might be kinda fun but I didn't imagine it would placate my cravings the way it has and become total retail therapy. It really is fun! Try it! OMG just do it. Totally, like. And stuff.

So here goes for my first installment...

(Click to make the pictures bigger. Thanks to Shawn, I think I've finally figured out how to format them that way.)

Outfit No. 1

Outfit No. 2

There... I feel better now.

(A little.)