Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part II

And now, ads from the archives of Irresponsible Parenting Weekly...

It's a miracle, folks! You can actually speed up the process of skin cancer right in the privacy of your very own home! Who needs greasy public tanning beds that smell like a sickening combination sweat and bronzing oil? Note the tanning lamp helps to create the perfect low-lit seedy bar ambience little Jenny wanted for her tea party.

That's right, momma. Fry that baby up good. Apparently these tanning lamps used to be a popular thing? Craziness, I say! Bah. *shaking cane*

"Papa says it won't hurt us." Oh, really? The mind boggles at the idea that this ad ever even existed in history. The ad says, "Send for our fire-arms encyclopaedia." I wonder if it has an entry on the subject of IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON'T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH GUNS, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN!!!!!!!1two!! OMG, srsly.

Wow, considering this ad and the Hitler carpool ad from my previous vintage ads post, I'm beginning to think hyperbole played a big part in the advertising of yesteryear. This ad also claims "Flies are the most dangerous insect known." Methinks someone didn't consult Wikipedia before sending this to print. Tsk, tsk... The 'pedia clearly states, and I quote, that the most dangerous insects on the planet are, in order of scariness, "roly-polies, garden slugs and Michael Moore."

And now for something completely disturbing:

Aw, come on! Is the huge pool of blood really necessary? Dude. And is it just me or does the man running towards the kid actually look mad? "Hey kid! You dented my fender! Your allowance is gonna pay for this, buster! Hey! Hey, are you listening to me?! Oh, sure... play dead so you don't have to take the heat for ruining my new Buick. That's just great." Parents, let this be a lesson. Besides, why is your 9-year-old doing your grocery shopping, you lazy schmuck?