Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part II

And now, ads from the archives of Irresponsible Parenting Weekly...

It's a miracle, folks! You can actually speed up the process of skin cancer right in the privacy of your very own home! Who needs greasy public tanning beds that smell like a sickening combination sweat and bronzing oil? Note the tanning lamp helps to create the perfect low-lit seedy bar ambience little Jenny wanted for her tea party.







That's right, momma. Fry that baby up good. Apparently these tanning lamps used to be a popular thing? Craziness, I say! Bah. *shaking cane*

"Papa says it won't hurt us." Oh, really? The mind boggles at the idea that this ad ever even existed in history. The ad says, "Send for our fire-arms encyclopaedia." I wonder if it has an entry on the subject of IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DON'T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH GUNS, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN!!!!!!!1two!! OMG, srsly.

Wow, considering this ad and the Hitler carpool ad from my previous vintage ads post, I'm beginning to think hyperbole played a big part in the advertising of yesteryear. This ad also claims "Flies are the most dangerous insect known." Methinks someone didn't consult Wikipedia before sending this to print. Tsk, tsk... The 'pedia clearly states, and I quote, that the most dangerous insects on the planet are, in order of scariness, "roly-polies, garden slugs and Michael Moore."

And now for something completely disturbing:

Aw, come on! Is the huge pool of blood really necessary? Dude. And is it just me or does the man running towards the kid actually look mad? "Hey kid! You dented my fender! Your allowance is gonna pay for this, buster! Hey! Hey, are you listening to me?! Oh, sure... play dead so you don't have to take the heat for ruining my new Buick. That's just great." Parents, let this be a lesson. Besides, why is your 9-year-old doing your grocery shopping, you lazy schmuck?

Fainting Goats

Something to lighten your mood. If you've never heard of or seen fainting goats before, prepare to be amazed, delighted and cracked the heck up.

Now, tell me you didn't just die laughing?

You're welcome.

Poverty and Starvation

I suppose I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. I'm not really sure why. I've been wishing for things that I can't have, thinking about my future and wondering why my life isn't where I'd like it to be. It's a dreadful numbing thing and it took something altogether unlovely and shockingly real to snap me out of this coma. I hope you find these photos to be the sobering dose of reality that I did. Sometimes we just need a little reminder. No matter how painful it is to witness.

And one last parting shot...

An Open Letter to the Elks Lodge

An Open Letter to the Elks Lodge

Dear Elks Lodge that Sits Behind My House and Insists on Renting Out the Facility to Drunk Idiots Who Love to Torture Me By Throwing Loud Parties With Terrible DJ Music and Lest We Forget the Live Band Outdoor Parking Lot Concerts that Go Past Midnight and Cause the Windows in My House to Literally Rattle Whilst I Try to Get My Beauty Sleep, Forcing Me to Call the Cops Every Single Saturday Night:

Stooooooooooooooooooooooop. Stop it.

Warmest regards,

Irritated Neighbor

Hand Phone

Some friends and I were discussing Hand Phones the other day. You know, you're telling a story about how you were on the phone with so-and-so and inevitably, your hand goes up to your face, pinky and thumb jutting out, pantomiming the invisible phone?

Why do we do this?

First of all, I've never seen any phone shaped that bizarrely and secondly... well, there is no second point. But I do think it would be really cool to come out with a phone that looks like a hand. I would totally buy one. But then again, after watching Juno I totally want a hamburger phone, too, if for no other reason that to be able to say things like, "Nothin'... oh, just talkin' on m'hamburger phone here." That would rock dome.

So anyway, guess what I happened upon, out there in the vastness of the worldwide interwebs?

This!

Wired blog calls it, "Possibly the Worst Cellphone Concept Ever". I call it, "Possibly... No... No... ABSOLUTELY and IRREFUTABLY the Awesomest Cellphone Concept Ever!"

Actually, if I'm being truthful, this next one has been my favorite for a long time and I've always had the itch to buy one:

I can imagine the looks I would get strolling through the mall, talking on one of these retro handsets, while the actual cell phone is cleverly concealed in my purse. Genius!

Here are a few other gems I came across:

You, too, can be Zach Morris.

The only thing better than talking on a hamburger is talking on a banana. 100% fact.

Wow. Really? Because sticking your finger in your other ear to keep the noise out... yeah, that would look really ridiculous, right?

Ninja Cat

Dude, this vid killed me.

WARNING: the ending is really scary.