Caption This Thursday: Giantest Nom Ever

"Beh-Behs" Caption Contest Winners

This week's caption contest winners are:

Funnyrunner, with: "You will NEVER talk back to your parents... you should ALWAYS wear a condom before having sex...you will always do your best in school...always pour your mom another glass of wine when it gets low..."

and

Obladi Oblada, with: "At the 'Stepford Baby' programming center."

Here's your esteemed award!


Come back and play again tomorrow!

Welcome to the first edition of the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

Welcome to the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of... ROAST!

Look at you, roast, there in the oven. All... roasty and stuff. Just lying there, stewing in your own juices like some sort of disgusting creep. Covered in foil like some sixth-grader's science project. Keeping company with carrots and onions and potatoes. You should be hanging out with steaks and baby back ribs and cheeseburgers and stuff. Weirdo.

And you know what? Having said your name over and over now, it sounds and looks weird.

Roast.

Roast.

It's a weird word. Just look at it.

Roast.

Ugh. Gross.

And what? You couldn't come up with a better name for yourself? "Roast." It's like calling yourself "Grilled" or "Fried." Actually, that's assuming your name is Roast-ED. So really it's like calling yourself "Grill" or "Fry." Fries, heh.

Hey French Fries, what's YOUR deal?..........................

Piper is out of baby jail!

Piper McPipeyPants got to go home last night! And I finally got to hold her. She's only, like, the most awesomest thing ever to hold.

I'm an Aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I've been absent all weekend from this here blog but it was for a good reason. My family and I have been at the hospital all weekend awaiting the arrival of Jake and Christy's baby. It's a girl! Her name is Piper Ann and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. My sister-in-law is Wonder Woman. And my brother is a stud. We are all exhausted and elated. For more details, read on. Otherwise, here are some pictures of Piper. More to come...

Look. At. Those cheeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's more detail on Piper's story, if you're interested. Christy was due on July 3rd. Well, July 3rd came and went. Christy started having some contractions early on last week but nothing major. They got checked out a couple times but it still wasn't time to have a baby. Finally on Thursday afternoon, July 9th, Christy began having strong contractions. Jake took her to the hospital, where her water broke in triage. At that time she was 100% effaced. She was admitted and we all headed up to the hospital.

We camped out in the waiting room and wait we did. We waited and we waited and we waited. We slept on the floor, just waiting for some news. The nurse would come out periodically and give us updates. Let me explain that Christy was determined to have this baby naturally. No epidural, no c-section. It was very important to her. We were all behind her on that.

The nurse would come out and say, "Okay, she's in the bathtub now." Or "She's dilated at a 6 or 7 now." One time she came out and told us that Jake and Christy were in the room dancing. Precious!

Anyhoo, Christy eventually got stuck at a 9. Things were not progressing. She was exhausted and in a lot of pain. It was decided that in order to avoid a c-section she would get a little Pitocin and a light drip of pain meds. The meds were not for Christy's pain but to give her a chance to rest. She slept for a couple hours and then woke up strenthened and ready to push. In all she was in labor about 27 hours and she pushed for 3 hours. In the end her contractions stopped so she ended up pushing by herself and got that baby out all on her own.

Piper Ann was born at 6:40 p.m. on Friday, July 10th. She weighed 8 pounds even. She was a week late. She had a small collapsed place in each lung and was taken to NICU about an hour after she got to spend some time with Mommy and Daddy. She's been in the NICU all weekend but we're hoping she'll get released from baby jail this afternoon or evening sometime.

She's my new most favoritest thing ever!

That's IT!

I’m growing my hair back out… OFFICIALLY.

Today I stopped by Wendy’s to pick up a salad (I’m on a diet, people!) and as I paid and got my food the woman working there said to me, “Thank you, sir.”

...

...

...


Sir?

SIR?!?!

I mean, I know I have short hair but in my defense I was wearing large hoop earrings, makeup, high heels, boobs. You know, stuff like that.

Not.

Cool.

So… now I’m off to shave my mustache and drown my sorrows in chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone.

Caption This Thursday: Beh-Behs

In honor of Jake and Christy's baby this week (still not here and almost a week past the due date!), here is a beh-beh picture for you to caption.

Aaaaaaaand go!

A Short Story

It was the summer of '67. A late storm was blowing through and folks were scattering, much like stuff that scatters. All the stores on Main Street closed up shop. It was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon but already the sky had darkened to a dusky hue. I stood under the awning outside Molly May's Bonnet Shoppe and cursed myself for leaving my umbrella at home. I ran for my car, charging through puddles without regard for my already ruined and soaked state.

Suddenly, I stopped cold. What I saw would change my life. Directly in front of me was the most shocking thing I'd ever seen. It was -

The End.

Top Ten Things I Collected as a Kid

I grew up in the 80's. It was a happy time to be a kid. We had great toys and the freedom to go outside and play without fear of the boogeyman. Here are some of the things I collected when I was little:

Lightning bugs

Photo credit: Jamie Harmon, uberphoto.com

Troll dolls

Lisa Frank stickers

Clover flowers to make daisy chains

Friendship pins

Barbies

Those plastic charm necklaces with the whistle, roller skate, baby bottle, abacus, etc.

Jelly bracelets

Cool rocks

Candy

(I literally collected it. I had a makeup case full of my favorite candy. But much of the time I refused to eat it. Why? Because then I wouldn’t have it any longer. To eat.)

What did you collect when you were little? What generation do you think had the best childhood?

"Grab the Bull by the Horns" Caption Winners

This week's winner is Eric, with "Mack Brown and University of Texas Football rolled out their new shock and awe campaign today." As requested you get to add a stripe to the award you won last week, Eric. But hey, give the little kids a chance, will ya?

Runner-up is Douglas Dyer, with "Technically the breeding scientists did make the prize bull 'hornier'."

And honorable mention goes to my mum, Nan-Nan, with "OOOOOh, Dinah won't ya blow, Dinah won't ya blow, Dinah won't ya blow your HO-OLY COW!?!?!?!?!?"

Congrats, everyone, and thanks to all who played this week!

An Open Letter to the Little Beh-Beh in My Sister-in-Law's Belleh

An Open Letter to the Little Beh-Beh in My Sister-in-Law's Belleh

Dear Little Beh-Beh:

Dooooooooooooooood. Come out already. You were supposed to be out playing with me like, 3 days ago or something. Look, I know it's all comfy in there, squishy and soft and floaty and whatnot but have a little consideration for the rest of us out here in the world. Everyone's waiting, little dude (or dudette). Don't be rude.

Sincerely,

Your Aunt Heather

Caption This Thursday: Grab the Bull by the Horns