Monday, September 22, 2008

A Love Letter to Honeycomb Cereal

Dearest Honeycomb,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. No wait, I hate math. So nevermind that. Anyway, you are so totally delicious. I enjoy your crunchy-sweet goodness every morning. Yours is a taste that reminds me of a bygone era. When men were men, boys were boys, chicks were girls, people were people and things were things. Kids stayed outside to play until dinnertime, coming in at dusk with skinned knees and lightning bugs in jars. The original NES console was still the coolest thing in town. Strawberry Shortcake still wore the old school aproned dress with handy berry-toting pocket while donning a ridiculously oversized poofy bonnet. I mean, this chick looked like she stepped right off a wagon train. You could even purchase the "Strawberry Shortcake Prairie Dug-Out Dream House TM", sold separately:

These days, instead of the ultra-matronly feedsack dress that Ma dun sewed fer her, she sports the fashionable pink cap and of-the-moment micro-mini with suggestive knee socks. Hello... parents? You're going to let your precious little Maddyson or Kendryckk or McKaeyluh play with this little tart? (Wow, a play on words. I tooootally didn't plan that).

Look at the picture of her on the corner of the box. I'll bet it's not the only corner she's ever been on, if you know what I mean. I mean, just look at the way she's standing, with that come-hither stare. Oh, sure... it seems harmless enough. But first it's little miss Sweet Thang here with her rock-and-roll strawberry belt, then it's on to Bratz dolls (A.K.A. the "gateway" toy) and the next thing you know, your daughter's on the pole and she's changed her name to Bambi or Candi or something else that ends in an "i".

So anyway, you get the point. Back in the day toys were still cool. McDonald's food still came in styrofoam containers. Michael Jackson still had a nose. Ah, those were the days. Oops... I'm sorry Honeycomb. I didn't mean to bore you. Boy, this love letter sure took a strange turn there for a minute.

Okay, back to how awesome you are...

So Honey... can I call you "Honey"? Honey, I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level. You've probably noticed that lately I've begun consuming you at odd and distinctly non-breakfasty times of the day. Dry handfuls, as a snack. Sometimes a bowlful for dinner. Sleepwalking at night for a quick "fix" and then sleepdriving to the store because I'm out of milk. Man, I've really got to stop taking Ambien. At any rate, I hope that I've proven to you that I'm ready to devote more quality time to our relationship. I can only hope that you feel the same way.

Until tomorrow morning... or perhaps this evening... or perhaps in a few minutes, when I start craving a mid-afternoon snack...




Anonymous said...

It is really just sugar -flavored crunchy air with a hint oaoty goodness.........yeah man, i could eat a whole box! -Ma

Nicole Darr said...

Strawberry Shortcake once stood on my side of the corner. I slapped that ho.