Monday, March 9, 2009

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part IV

More insanity...

This ad claims that "In ancient times, people did not say 'How do you do?' They said, 'How are your bowels?'" I'm sure that's completely historically accurate. And I love the picture of the two Bible-Times lookin' dudes chatting in the desert, presumably about their bowels.

"What up, Balthazar? How are your bowels, homes?"

"Dude, Zephaniabbakukaphebosheth! My bowels are actin' a foo. I got a mad case of diarrhea. What are your bowels up to these days, bro?"

"Not much my man, cuz I be constipated. Straight up, G."

I'm not sure why I imagine them speaking in such an urban fashion. I dunno. That's just how my imagination rolls.

Hey, here's a fun experiment. Next time you come back to work on a Monday, instead of the old tried and true, and admittedly boring, "How was your weekend?" impress your coworkers with your knowledge of ancient history by asking them how their bowels are. Let me know how it goes.

Wow. Just... wow.

They were sure to note that "everything is priced the same as 'regular clothes'". So come on, fatties! We won't penalize you for having to use yards and yards and yards and yards and YARDS of extra fabric for your ginormous fatty clothes. Why? Because we care.

Come on, tiny nekkid babies... help me make this Jell-O or you're fired! From... Jell-O... making... duties. Hey! I mean it, tiny nekkid babies! Get to work. And stop being so jolly.

Another gem from our friends at Jell-O. For those who can't read the tiny/fuzzy print, the ad starts out, "Show the new girl just once what can be done with Jell-O and then you will always be sure of one fine dish for dinner. She may spoil everything else, but she will make a fine dessert of Jell-O." I don't know what "new girl" means, but I'm guessing it's referring to a maid/cook/indentured servant/hobo being kept in the basement. Apparently Tilly is as dumb as a bag of hammers. And her boss lady is a grade-A shrew. Jeez, Jell-O... condescending much? I'm never eating you again!

(Until the next time I get sick with a sore throat... or if all my teeth fall out someday).

Oh, sure. All dudes sit around shooting the breeze in their underpants. And WOOL?! Wool underwear? What? I mean... just... no.

This is just wrong on so many levels. Note that he "even likes lollipops." Isn't that just darling? Also, "Live delivery guaranteed." That right, folks. No dead monkey deliveries here. We don't play around. Exploitation, yes. Death, no.

That is all for now.


Lidian said...

Heather - Where did you ever find such fabulous vintage ads? I LOVE them! So so cool!

Hairball said...

You are hysterical!

Heather Cherry said...

A-thankya gals! Lidian, I've picked them up all over the farthest reaches of the interwebs. Hairball, the last time someone called me "hysterical" was yesterday's group therapy session. Uh-oh... I heard the white coat guys coming down the hall. They only let me play on the 'puter for a few minutes a day...

HumorSmith said...

Right. "How are your bowels?" Great conversation opener don't you think? I bet people had a hard time hooking up in bars in those days.

"Hey baby, how yo' bowels?"

"A little nauseated right now, thanks."

Heather Cherry said...

Or, "Hey sweet thang... how 'bout your bowels and my bowels get together sometime for a cup of coffee?"

Or, "Dang, your bowels are lookin' so fine. They'd look even better on my bedroom floor."

Wait, that joke didn't quite work out the way I thought it would.


K9 said...

free cage! free leather leash! get your rocks off imprisoning a wild animal. better than lover-chimp i suppose.

you are a lost geek? three years i watched and gave up. i still dont know WTF it is about.

Heather Cherry said...

He likes lollipops! Sign me up!

Amigo, now is the time to start watching again if you want answers. This season has explained more than any other. Besides, they don't call it LOST for nuthin.

CHEF TROLL said...

They still make wool-blend undies. Mostly for hunters. And we do sit around shooting the breeze in them. But it's not a ghey thing.

obladi oblada said...

Funny stuff. I am particularly fond of the "live delivery guaranteed". That is rich.

Heather Cherry said...

Trolly McCheffersons: Al Gore told me that you invented hunter-grade wool-blend undies. Is that true?

Oblahblah: Can you at least change your user name to Goo-Goo-G'Joob or something? Every time I see your name the rest of the day I'm singing, "La-la how the life goes on..." Make it stop!

moi said...

As weird-ass as some of this is, there's a kind of innocence to it all as well. How could they know of the looming Poleetikal Korrectness to come?

And all I know about "Lost" is this: mmmmmmm, Sawyer. Otherwise, WTF?

Heather Cherry said...

Mmm, Sawyer indeed!

Watch the show. Watch it now! You can't be a casual viewer with LOST. You miss too much. Even when you watch every single ep and obsess over the details and theories, you STILL miss stuff. It's just that type of show.

obladi oblada said...

Oooh, Im one of the "never watched Lost" crowd. Yep.

Heather: Goo Goo G'JooB, thats a good one! I may use that in the not so distant future.

Hey, my name or blog name could be "It's a Small World". Can you imagine the hateful comments! Fun!

Heather Cherry said...

"It's a Small World"? Now that's just cruel and unusual punishment.

Okay, listen to me. You need to get the DVD's and watch LOST from the beginning. You don't know what you're missing. It is the greatest television show ever written. EVAR!

obladi oblada said...

I will do that. The "Lost" thing, not the "Small World" thing.

Heather Cherry said...


Prepare to have your mind blown.