Monday, March 30, 2009

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part VI

More freaky vintage funnies, fresh out of the oven...

It is? For real? Well for gosh sakes Doreen, how did I not know that? Couldn't someone have sent me a memo about this or something? I mean, if I'd only known... well, let's be honest... I still would have stabbed that waitress that brought me decaf instead of regular coffee... but I would have picked a better place to hide the body. I mean, good grief... throw a guy a bone here. But not a bone from that shallow grave I dug... heh, heh... get it? Bone? See, it's because her body's decomposing and-what? What'd I say? Sheesh, lighten up, Doreen. Somebody sure can't take a joke.

For the life of me I can't figure out where the postage meter comes into play.

Take heed, ladies. Your man will leave you if you get constipated. True story. Look at her. She's sad cuz she can't poo.

This ad is just incredibly disturbing...

Little help here? I'm stuck under this wash tub, guys. Somebody? Anybody? I think I may have some internal hemorrhaging and I can't be sure but I think I felt a rib break and puncture my spleen. Seriously.............. can't............. breathe............. lung............... collapsing................. noooooooooooooo.............. not like this............... (gasp)................ not.............. like this...................

How does this sell soap???

Yeah, they're having fun girl bonding time. You know... talking about tampons and periods and stuff. Later they're gonna prank call cute boys and play M.A.S.H. and have pillow fights and braid each other's hair. Man, it must be boring to be a guy. Talking about cars and guns and cheeseburgers and power tools and bugs and dirt and... wait! I like all of those things. Well, except for the last two. Dang. Being a girl sucks.


The steak is all, "Nom-nom-nom-nom!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! THE HORROR. THE HORROR. (Okay, now I'm actually talking about her outfit).

And now... proof that anyone can look like Cousin It if they really want to.

Actually, I'm totally jealous cuz I wish my hair looked like that. Well... maybe not that last one. Her hair's looking a bit frizzy and listless. I think she may have an unhealthy addiction to her straightening iron. Possibly even a crimping iron, from the looks of it. Hel-LO! V8 Hot Oil Treatment needed. STAT!


Wendy said...

I'm getting some of that oil ASAP. Where's my time machine?

Also, that soap ad freaks me out. That one would make me stop bathing my baby.

Oh, and one more thing... have you notice how little tampon ads have changed over the years? We're still supposed to be having a great time, laughing with our friends like it's the best day of our lives. I can't figure out who they are trying to convince, because I know it ain't women.

Heather Cherry said...

Agreed, Wendy. Truly ridiculous on all counts

Shawn said...

Ha, these are always awesome. So much funnier, well I won't finish that comment.

"Talking about cars and guns and cheeseburgers and power tools and bugs and dirt" Hmm, I don't ever talk about any of these things. All right, sometimes cheeseburgers.

Heather Cherry said...

So maybe I know about as much about boys as boys know about girls.

So... had any good cheeseburgers lately?

Lidian said...

Heather - You make me laugh out loud! And I love your take on all these ads, just perfect.

Also, I do not want to listen in while they talk about tampons, thanks.

And that guy - I think he did have the regular coffee. About 12 cups of it, from the look of him.

So, so much fun :)

Heather Cherry said...

Thanks, Lidian! You're the best!

And yeah, I truly cannot figure out that postage meter one! It's so bizarre!

Hairball said...

Pitney-Bowes postage meter
I had a job in retail once. It sure would have been nice to know back then that I could have killed off the really annoying customers without fear of spending the rest of my years in the big house.

All Bran
Heather, I think you should send her some of your favorite yogurt, STAT!

Pears soap
I'm with the rest of you in wondering why this disturbing image is supposed to make me want to buy massive quantities of Pear's soap??

These ads make me want to throw things! Where are the ads directed at men about the joys of having a prostate exam? Grr!

Nebraska Beef
Whoever told this young woman to wear red is very disturbed. Way too much blood red going on there.

"Cocoanut" oil
I resemble that Cousin It remark! *grins*

obladi oblada said...

LOL, your'e killing me here...M.A.S.H. too funny. Oh and I think the lady in the first ad is going to grab his convieniently displayed tie and some how put it into the machine, and turn it on or crank it or whatever the heck it does, and strangle him. Thats what I think is going on there.

CHEF TROLL said...

Pitney-Bowes had great radio commercials when I was a yute, but I can't figure out the point of this Ad either. The Pears Soap one is just WRONG.

Heather Cherry said...

Hairball: I TOTALLY thought of your old avatar when I was writing about that hair ad!

O/O: I think you're onto something!

Troll: Yute, lol. I've got several more Pears ads that I'll probably put in one post about how weird Pears ads were.

moi said...

Oh man, you're hi-larious. Although, I sooooooo want the gams on that bikini'ed Kotex blondie.

Heather Cherry said...

Thanks Moy! I'd take her hair, too, in a jif. BTW, if you haven't seen the Bobby Pin Blog yet, you oughta check it out.

Bill said...

Lidian was right. These ads + your commentary are hilarious! And I thought I was in for another boring afternoon here at the office.
Now, where did I put that Pitney-Bowes postage meter...

Zen Wizard said...

I don't get that "The Girl He Left Behind Him"...if she took a dump more regularly, they would still be together?

Guys monitored how often women took a dump in the Fifties?

That's kind of nitpicking I would think.

Heather Cherry said...

Bill: Lidian's good people. And thanks! Glad I could be of service.

Z-Wiz: Seems to me that men's preoccupations would be better served monitoring their ladies' state of barefootedness and pregnancy. You'd be surprised how much constipation apparently affected people's social lives back in the day. I've found lots of other ads talking about little girls seeming unattractive, being picked on, and generally just having sucky demeanors due to not being able to poop.

pamokc said...

I love that big steak. I thought it was South American there for a minute. What is South America doing in Nebraska? Oh wait, it is a steak. LOL

Nikkie said...

i'm cracking UP! true, a horrible death it would be to be crushed under a soapdish..??!!

Heather Cherry said...

Pam: LOL! It does look like South America! Look out! Man-eating continent on the loose!

Nikkie: Yeah, probably much worse than being crushed under say, a sponge. That sounds kinda pleasant actually.

brookeamanda said...

I did a post on creepy kids ads a few weeks ago and featured the Pears Soap Ad, too. It is sooo weird!

Heather Cherry said...

Hi, BrookeAmanda! Pears has some of the strangest ads... I'm going to post more eventually. I'm going to come check your post out, too! Thanks for stopping by!