Friday, March 20, 2009

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part V

There's a "Soda Pop Board of America"? One wonders if there's a "PEZ Board of America" or "The National Alliance for Sugar Smacks" or a "National Rifle Association"... nah, that would be silly. The SPBoA suggests that drinking cola "boosts personality" and that it gives teenagers a better chance of "gaining acceptance and 'fitting in'". You mean I might have made the cheerleading squad in high school if I'd only gummed a Pepsi bottle as a toddler? My kids are gonna drink Jolt and Red Bull suicides. Hey, good parents don't raise dorks and I'm not leaving anything to chance.

This is an advertisement for hosiery. Apparently back in the 20's ladies enjoyed swimming in pantyhose. And lace-up boots. And diving off of buoys. And tying balloons to themselves. Are the balloons to help keep her afloat? And what's that weird marlin fin thing coming off her back?

Hey, I've got an idea for calming the nerves! Don't have kids.

Pucker up fellas. Sure, it may be like french-kissing an ashtray and she may have nicotine-stained teeth and polluted lungs and, yeah, she may die a premature death of emphysema but at least she's not a fat whale!

Well I do declare, I once had a terrible case of the vapors and wouldn't you know - Luden's cleared it right up!

Luden's cured my pancreatic cancer!

Luden's helped me end world hunger!

Luden's babysits my children, walks the dog and waters my plants!

(not actual testimonies)

My stars, why are the fish in that bowl so utterly ginormous? This is an example of extremely irresponsible pet ownership. And speaking of irresponsbible... who left a dadgum cigarette burning on the table? I mean, that fancy doily could go up in flames any minute. The fish even seem to be worried about it. They are totally giving it the stink-eye. And the little tagline at the bottom: "Everywhere - Why?" I truly have no idea!


Shawn said...


I think you know what that stands for. Seriously, though, this was amazing. I'm donating my blog to Goodwill out of deference to your superiority.

Heather Cherry said...

Aw, shucks.


Seriously, though, I always look forward to reading yer blerg because it always makes me roffle, so... for real. Thanks. That's a huge compliment, Sharkster.

Lidian said...

Those are some fine ads you have there! And I love your commentary - you are seriously funny...I remember seeing an ad from the 50s (Life mag, I think) extolling the virtues of eating sugar (best source of energy ever, etc). This was way back before I ever thought about writing about ads, but I loved them anyway. Actually, it was even before the internet...

And thanks again for those ads you sent me, you are a sweetie indeed.

Heather Cherry said...

Liddy, are you telling me there was a time when the interwebs din't exist???

Yeah, the sugar thing reminds me of that LARD ad about how people stay healthy from eating LARD. I guess that jar of bacon grease I've been keeping on the back of my stove will pay off one day...

Hairball said...

Too funny!!

obladi oblada said...

I need some of that nerve stuff, man. THAT is what Im missing in my life, of course! Give babies soda, yes!!!! See, we had the answers all along...we have regressed ever so much.

Conan The Barbie said...

I love these! More pls.

Heather Cherry said...

YEA! Hi, Comma!


Don't worry, more to come. And check out Parts 1-4.