Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part VII


These ads are from our more recent past. But that doesn't make them any less redonk. In fact, I daresay it makes them even more disturbing.




AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OMG WHY ARE WE LAUGHING?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don't know. I'm actually a Sprite fan.


My face hurts.


Dude, give it up for totally awesome mustaches!


Aaaaaaaaaaaand hats! Don't forget hats!


YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We rule. Let's start a cool club where we all wear matching shirts!



(Is the guy in the bottom left corner wearing some sort of lederhosen getup? Or maybe he's going parachuting later.)






Okay, so the copy in this ad uses the word GREAT or GREATEST 6 times. I guess Eleganza (nice) wanted their customers to know that when they put on this suit, they would look sooooo great. And by "great" I mean "like a total jackhorse who should never be allowed in public." The specs note that the collar lapels are NINE INCHES LONG. Dude, I've stood in DMV lines shorter than those things.







This girl is bathing in a pink barrel because "PINK IS FOR GIRLS" and because she found the shower in her Airstream camper to be too roomy. Please explain to me why she is using the phone as a loofah? Doesn't she realize that's an electrocution hazard?

(Mel, this one is especially for you!)









I'm not sure why I like this one. Maybe because it makes me think of that Jay-Z song. Or maybe it's because I think that crazy-eyed chick looks like Donald Trump with a ponytail. Or maybe it's the hep swingin' cats in the background.







I truly don't know where to start with this pimptastic piece of awesomeness. It's as if someone said, "Hey, look! A full-length faux mink coat!" and they all turned to see. The shirt on the far left actually has a chest hair and medallion-baring apparatus built in. No bothersome unbuttoning necessary. I think they had to give him that hat so that he would be tall enough not to ruin the shortest to tallest concept of the shot. I can't decide if the middle guy's shirt is untucked or if there is some sort of tie/sash thing dangling down. Either way... just... no. And the shoes of the guy on the right. It looks like Adidas tried to make Pee-Wee's shoes from that bar top dancing scene in the Big Adventure movie. My head is going to explode with jokes if I keep looking at this picture so I'm just going to stop.






I love how it even comes with a fake antennae to stick on your car. If you’re going to be an idiot poser you may as well be thorough, right? And get this, you can carry it in your attaché case. Do people even carry attaché cases anymore? I’m going to check my handy pocket encyclopedia. Crap! I left it in my pocketbook. Back at the homestead. On the victrola.

Join that “special” group. The special one that rides the short schoolbus.

While I’m at it I’m going to start carrying around faux bars of gold and big burlap sacks with “$” printed on them, even though all that’s inside is shredded newspaper. Ha-HA! I’ve fooled you, fools!

16 comments:

brookeamanda said...

I LOVE these ads! Apparently, when you drink 7UP, you must also wear a shirt that displays the logo, too.

Heather Cherry said...

Well, YEAH. I mean, of course. That's how 7-up drinkers roll.

moi said...

1970's fashion? Totally cool. If you were a girl: Lauren Hutton, Christy Love, Sgt. Pepper from Policewoman, Charlie's Angels. Not to mention, Halson, YSL, Sonia Rykiel. But the men? Why did the men all look like extras from some cheesy porno shot in someone's oak-paneled rec room out in the 'burbs?

obladi oblada said...

Those are a treat!I loled at the PIMPTASTIC remark. Good one!

I wear shirts with my favorite products on them all the time, and you know what...I laugh like a maniac while doing it too, with others who are JUST LIKE ME, so I dont see what all the fuss is about? Geez...

Heather Cherry said...

Well honey, you just keep on doing that. Don't you worry about no one else makin' fun of you.

Shawn said...

Brilliant as always!

Eleganza really missed out on using the catch phrase, "Once you go slack..." though.

Lidian said...

Those are truly awesome ads - and your commentary is awesome too!

That pop-eyed gal looks a lot like Denise Richards...couldn't be though! lol

Hairball said...

Heather,

Thanks for the high quality snarkage.

You rock! :)

Heather Cherry said...

Moi: Sorry, I dunno how I missed your comment from earlier. And I agree with you 100%!

Shawn: Thanks! And you know, that's a great slogan. Maybe you should come out with your own line of pimpwear? You could call it "For Unique Buyers of Uberpimpwear" and call it FUBU for short.

Lidian: Thanks a bunch! Funny though, I thought ol' popeye there looked like Charlie Sheen.

Hairball: Right back atcha, sister! The snark comes pretty easily to me... not sure if that's a good thing?

Margo said...

You are a pimptastic piece of awesomeness!That girl does have problems, but admitting that she has them is the most important step. That first guy in the 7 up ad has troll hair.

Heather Cherry said...

HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks, Margo! (Don't tell Sparkle I'm inflating my comment count... shhh...)

princessparkle said...

Oh I want a fake chunky cell phone! I can wow all my friends with my retro-poser-business-ness.

Heather Cherry said...

Oh, they will all be soooooooo jealous.

Melody sez said...

You are a busy gal Heather Cherry! Indeed! Thank you for thinking of me! Melody!

I wish I had an old-fashioned pink barrel like that gal with the pink phone loofah has! If I had an old-fashioned barrel like that gal with the pink phone and lloofah has, I would take a bath in it! I would take a bath in it and I would probably more or less drink some pink lemonade or something like that! Life can be so hard sometimes, but with an old-fashioned barrel and a pink phone loofah, life might not every be so hard ever again! Maybe!

Heather Cherry said...

Well I must admit, dear Melodious one, that it was actually Snuggles' idea!

Snuggles said...

She's right. It was totally my idea, yessiree. I must say. Yes indeedy.