Thursday, April 23, 2009

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, The Insanity Continues

A brand spankin' new load of crazy.

Proceed with caution. Ur hed may asplode.





"Make Shell Lamps, Shell Jewelry and Novelties." You may also send for the following free instructional booklets in our series:

"The Art of Macrame: Owls, Plant-Holders and Other Assorted Crap Projects No One Will Ever Want, Ever"

"How to Sell Your Tacky Junk Art at Flea Markets and Garage Sales"

"The Joy of Puff-Painting"

"Become a Crazy Cat Lady in 9 Easy Steps"



[this ad is dedicated to Julia D. ]







No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. And that is all I have to say about that.






What kind of dumbass keeps a handy bottle of poison in the medicine chest, right next to the cough syrup?








"If a Jelly Fish Could Slap a Rat in the Face," it would probably majorly piss the rat off and the rat would retaliate by gnawing off one of the jellyfish's tentacles. And then the jellyfish would sting the rat's mouth. Then the rat would be all, "Kung-fu chop, sucka!" and the jellyfish would get him back by lighting his tail on fire. The the rat would dress up as a girl jellyfish in order to distract the rat so he could drop a safe on his head. It would probably devolve from there into an all out Itchy & Scratchy-esque bloodbath.


Wait, what were we trying to sell, again?







"No Risk of Any Kind" - other than the risk of being mistaken for the Pope and being expected to absolve sins and say stuff in Latin and other Pope-y things the Pope does.

Also, this Pope guy seems to have a second strange earlobe underneath his regular earlobe. Ew.






My eyes! MY EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYES!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Oh, the exsquisite revulsion.


I'll be okay. I promise. Just give me a few... lifetimes.






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15 comments:

Jeff Tompkins said...

"Prostatitis?""No, thanks."

This is exactly why you should not snoop through your grandparents' attic.

Margo said...

all this just proves to me that people were just as bent back in the day as they are now.

Winky Twinky said...

NOWWWWWWWW I know why my great grandmother had all that shell stuff in her house....makes more sense now, it WAS during the war don'tcha know.... but -- Prostatitus??? OOOMMMGGGGG!!! NOOOOO... although..I think now they call it jackrabbit.... what??

Lidian said...

Brilliant as always! LOL

The shell guy looks like he might be using the shell as a ventriloquist's dummy. I think maybe he got a peek at some of those other ads!

Julia D said...

AAAHAHAHA!!! Those are most excellent!
<3

Heather Cherry said...

J/T: Hindsight is always 20/20, no?

Margo: So true!

W/T: Jack-what? I uh... totally have... uh... no clue what one of those even is...

Lidian: I noticed that, too! Heh.

Heather Cherry said...

Thanks J/D! :o)

Shawn said...

I love these like Kevin Arnold loves Winnie Cooper.

I'm going to name my first book "If a Jelly Fish Could Slap a Rat in the Face". Or maybe my first child, I haven't decided.

brookeamanda said...

I wish I'd known about the Prostatitis before my dad had his prostate removed. Damn it!

Heather Cherry said...

Shark: Nice Wonder Years reference. You win 38 points. Also 23 points for best potential kid's name.

Brooke: You don't wanna imagine your dad using that thing. Uh-uh. No.

obladi oblada said...

Well...just when I thought it couldnt get any worse. Prostatis? That second earlobe thing is actually a praying mantis cocoon. See, that contraption actually attracks praying mantis by emitting a kind of drone like sound that a male praying mantis makes..which attracks the female, and gives off a strange musty smell which attracks the male. Then the whole experience is so romantic to the praying manti, that they "do it" there. Then the female eats the male and lays her egg/cocoon thing and leaves. Yeah, thats it.

TROLL Y2K said...

I like the Dila-Therm better than the current crop of Prostrate Problem Ads!

Heather Cherry said...

O/O: Wow, I learn something new everyone. Say... have you been watching a little too much National Geographic lately? Just curious...

Troll: Congratulations for calling the implement by its actual name - "Dila-Therm". A lot of the others thought the name was "Prostatis" when that is what the thing is there to treat. 50 points to the Troll!

Hairball said...

I want a shell-mobile!!

Heather Cherry said...

Would that be a shell thingie that hangs above a baby's crib or a giant shell car?