An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

I made up a new word.

I was calling Snuggles a fur-person, which then became "furson." I like it. I shall keep it.

One time I saw an Asian kid wearing bizarre clothing and his hair stuck out in all directions like an anime character and I was like, "Lookit that crazy Asian......... Crasian! HAHAHA!" Another time I was talking about the character of Kelly on The Office and how valley girl she is. Which led to "trendian." Because she's Indian. Dot, not feather. Jake and Christy can both attest to the genius that led to the creation of these awesome words.

And then long time ago my brother and I started saying the word "ginormous" and then suddenly it got all *popular* (finger quotes) and crap. How'd that happen?

Have you ever made up a fun word? How about a word that you heard later and you SWORE you invented it first?

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

Top Ten Songs on My 80's Playlist - Part Deux

1. Open Arms - Journey



2. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship



3. Rosanna - Toto



4. After the Love is Gone - Earth, Wind and Fire



5. Almost Paradise - Ann Wilson and Mike Reno



6. Alone – Heart



7. Love Story – The Cure



8. The Promise – When In Rome



9. Every Time You Go – Paul Young



10. I Want Your Sex – George Michael

*Catch Part One here.

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House


Dear Doc:

I have been eating these mini-bags of buttered popcorn from a box at the back of my pantry for weeks now. I just now saw that the bags are imprinted with the following: "Best by February 2009."

Am I going to die?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Heather

Deep Thoughts, by Dan Liebert

THE GAME OF HORSESHOES
The game of horseshoes is actually very aerobic if you leave the horses in them.

COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
I think Colonial Williamsburg would seem way more authentic if, when the tourist bus arrived, all those people in Colonial costumes ran away screaming in terror.

MY LIVING WILL
I no longer wish to go on living if I should lose control of my body functions or if my mind is in a vegetative state or if I have that "old-man smell."

WOLF-CHILD
If you're a wolf-child raised by wolves and a professor finds you and adopts you, I think your wolf parents should still have visitation rights, at least on weekends and wolf holidays.

A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY

If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face."

MERRY-GO-ROUND
Do you ever feel like your life's going nowhere and you're on a merry-go-round just going around and around? Isn't that cool? I love that feeling.

NO "DOORMAT" FOR ME
I don't want a woman to be a "doormat" for me. I want a woman to be like one of those rubber pads you put under rugs to keep them from slipping. I really respect those.

STUDENT DAYS
I remember my student days, when a foam mattress on the floor was my bed, and bricks and boards were my shelves, and my school books were just empty cereal boxes made to look like school books.

A GOOD LESSON
When college kids wantonly tear down a goalpost after a football game, they should be forced to go to a forest and watch a tree grow for 40 years and maybe they'll think twice about doing that again.

RELATIONSHIPS
She believes the key to relationships is "trust," whereas I've always felt the most important thing in a relationship is me.

HOME DEPOT NIGHTMARE

I had a nightmare that I found the woman of my dreams but she was on a top shelf at Home Depot and I couldn't find anyone to get her down. I finally found a guy in an orange vest, but by the time he came back with a ladder she was an old lady.

FAMILY
A family is like the fingers of a hand: each finger is weak but together they can make a fist to beat up other families who don't know the "fist trick."

TORNADO
A really amazing, totally unbelievable tornado would be one that roared through a town and cleaned all the useless junk out of garages and sheds and arranged the rest of the stuff neatly on shelves.

Check out McSweeney's for more funny stuff I wish I had written.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

Beach update: yep, as anticipated, it's awesome here. We've been pigging out on gelato, sweet tea, seafood (not me, ick!), chocolate, fruity drinks and ice cream.

And I miss Snuggles like the deserts miss the rain. It's the first time I've been away from him for more than 8 hours or so. :o(

He did send me a text this morning, though. It said eiakkd;gjabdukjgficnmke. Cuz his paws are really big.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part I've Lost Count

More vintage silliness.

Fact: Not smoking Camels will instantly give you a gigantic screamy tiger head. Also, apparently, "Pleasure Helps Your Disposition." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Okay... um. Am I the only one creeped out by the fact that there are COWS in this ad for SAWS? Why? Why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyy the cows?!

*weeping*

*wailing*

*thrashing about wildly*

Yeah, ladies. Pipes r hott. Am I right or am I right? The dude looks like my uncle or something with that thing perched in his mouth. Well, not my uncle specifically, but someone's uncle. I'm willing to bet this guy lounges around the house in a silk robe and socks with garters.

"Neglect may lead to amputation--even death." You better take heed because if you get a cut on your neck, like this fella, and it gets infected they will have to amputate your head right off! And then where will you be, smarty-pants? Remember: Band-Aids save lives. And prevent decapitations.

A rare glimpse at an early precursor to the modern-day Wikipedia. Guaranteed to make your friends feel like total ignorant losers around you.

Be sure to wear your best suit, dress or striped boxer shorts while using equipment. Opera-length gloves, a monocle, stilletos and suspenders not required but strongly encouraged for best results.

What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend: Home Edition

That's right! It's the What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend: Home Edition! And without all that annoying Ty Pennington screaming into a bullhorn ridiculousness.

I found some amazing things to NOT buy for my house this weekend. Hope you enjoy NOT buying them, too. You may even want to NOT copy me by NOT buying them either. But come on. Be original, people.

First up is this lamp. It makes my heart hurt because it's so beautiful. I want to propose to it and carry it over the threshhold and make it chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.

Fruiteria Lamp

$228

Okay, I'll admit this couch is a little loud but hey, so am I.

Amelie Sofa

$3,898 originally

On sale for $1,950
Plus $250 shipping

Corrigan Chair - $1,998 plus $150 shipping

Seed Packet Pillow - $198

Eat, Drink and Be Merry Chandelier - $4,800
(I could totally make that chandelier out of antique silver! And I should!)

Milo Sofa - $ 2,998 plus $300 shipping

Isola Bella Pillow - $58

Coral Courtyard Curtain - $108 each, $216 for two panels

Colossal Bloom Rug - Originally $998, on sale for $500 plus $30 shipping

Tufted Ditte Sofa - $4,998 plus $300 shipping

Wide World Pillow - $118

Annais Curtain - $198 each, $396 for two panels

Whorled Trapunto Rug
$998
Plus $30 shipping

Turn-of-the-Century Rug

$998

Plus $30 shipping





Now, I normally don’t go around shopping for birdhouses but I happened across this one and it’s so dang adorable I just had to put it on here, too. I can just picture it hanging from a tree. I would want to live in a giant green acorn if I were a birdie. I have a feeling that Sparkle will like this one, too.

Acorn-Sweet-Acorn Birdhouse

$38

All items this week from Anthropologie. Because I have an addiction. And admitting it is the first step.

Fun with Catalogs in the Bathroom at My Office

Catalog copy can be fun to read. Maybe it reminds me of the J. Peterman stuff from Seinfeld. I don’t know. But there is some really ridiculous copy floating around out there. I found this catalog at work. It’s like a fancy-shmancy catalog of décor and gadget-y things for really nice houses. There are some interesting things to be read and seen in there. For example:

“Hey, kids! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s put on our church clothes and go out to the backyard and roast marshmallows!”

“Daddy, I’m cold.”

“Shake it off, honey. Shake it off.”

Check out the dull look in this guy’s eyes. What he’s thinking: I could stay awake, just to hear you breathin’… don’t wanna close my eyeeeeeeeeeees, don’t wanna faaaaaaaall asleep cuz I miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thaaa-aaang!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I got you a fan! Can I have your Jag when you die?

“Others are mere angel hair compared to the World’s Thickest Noodle.” Well, hardy-har-har. This is the World’s Dumbest Product to Apply a Superlative To.

European Beanbags: Hip outdoor seating.” Paradoxically, it’s the squareness that makes them hip. And European.

“The drama of fire complemented by the soothing sound of water. Our sculptural masterpiece pays tribute to two earthen elements in one self-contained piéce de résistance.” More like piéce de cráp.






It looks like this guy is wearing a long white nightshirt. He doesn’t know whether to enjoy the hammock with his wife or declare “Bah, humbug.” Hey buddy, say hullo to Jacob Marley for me. Really bad photo composition on this one, methinks.

“We set out to create the greatest beverage tub on Earth—behold the impressive result.” Well, congratu-freakin-lations. But maybe you didn’t get the memo. It’s a BEVERAGE TUB.

Oh no? You didn't get the memo either? It’s a FAKE ARTICHOKE. Not a Ming Dynasty vase.

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Quick note: for the next week I'll be on vacation with my family at the beach. Suck it - bwahahahaha! Just kidding. Anyhoo, I'll probably be a bit absent from the blerg but I'm setting up some posts to auto-publish while I'm frolicking in the sand. You know, to please the unwashed masses.

Miss me bunches! XOXO!

Yea for cool, rad and awesome mammatus clouds!

I walked out of my house last night and saw this:

They're called mammatus clouds and they're my favorite and also fairly rare. Read more about them here.

Pit Bull Attack!

Snuggles attacked the Leaf Hog last night. Mehbeh he thought it was a real hog? Anyhoo, watch the jowl action.

New from Hasbro

Here be an artist's rendering of the single Peony I pluck-ed from my garden today. Ain't she cute?

Nofe air that I have a neighbor with bajillions of them and she never even picks a single one to put in a lovely vaaaaaaaaaaaz. She just lets them get all big and heavy and droopy and then they just die like that. *sadness*

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

So my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sandwich cookies have a PEANUT ALLERGY WARNING on the box.

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*cricket*

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*cricket*

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You mean to tell me that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have peanut butter in them? And that peanut butter has actual PEANUTS in it??? Whaaaaaaaaaaa? And the warning is right smack dab where you grab to open the package, like one last ditch effort to warn you. As if to say, "Hey dumbass, if you're allergic to this then don't eat it, k?"

Have we become so litigious that these warnings are really necessary? I mean if you have an allergy to peanuts and you think it's okay to eat a snack that HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT, then perhaps we should just let the laws of nature take over and weed you out of the herd anyway?

This just in. My carton of milk contains milk products. Also, that bushel of wheat I picked up down at the gen'ral store has wheat-y things in it.

Mute Monday Topic: Spirits

Desperate Plea for an Introduction... to... YOU!

This is my query: are you out there? Are you reading this blog? If you're not "following" me or haven't ever made a comment, wouldn't you please comment on this post? I'd like to know who's out there reading all anonymous-like and such. Or, as Mountain Muddah likes to say "blurking" (blog-lurking).

Pretty please?

Hi everybody! Happy Mother's Day to all ye mums out there. And most of all, Happy Mother's Day to my mom. I love you like I love cake! (Actually much, much more...)

What I DIDN'T Buy Last Weekend

I didn't buy any of these fabulous Kentucky Derby hats. *Sigh...*